Feeling guilty for my children

[Whatsnextthen26]

I’m 90% sure my marriage is done, I start some counselling soon to make sense of it all but I think it’s only going to give me clarity divorce is the right thing. I just feel so guilty for my children losing their family unit, they are still really young (3 DC under 7). I absolutely know it would be healthier and better for them in the long term but honestly it’s the only thing which is stopping me. I know this is normal but I’m just looking for some words of wisdom.

Your three kids and you are already a family unit. They’re not losing a family unit here even though their dad is no longer around all the time. If your marriage is done it’s done and you can use these upcoming counselling sessions to clarify your own thoughts re separation and divorce. You also need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Better to be apart and potentially happier than to be together and miserable because the kids can and do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken.

Same here OP. I started counselling last week and even after one session it has been incredibly helpful. I'm 90% there. The last 10% is the guilt. The guilt of blowing up my family just because I'm not happy. The guilt of negatively impacting my son for the rest of his life. The guilt of not trying harder, of not moving heaven and earth to make it work. The guilt of admitting that I want more. I've had a lot of sleepless nights and asking myself what I really want. It's exhausting, it's mentally draining, it's taking every ounce of me. Solidarity my love x

I think almost everyone who divorces with DC feels this at some point, especially when the other parent is a good, involved one. It’s much easier to justify divorce to yourself when there’s abuse or neglect. When there isn’t, the guilt can be intense.

That said, I’ve never heard an adult say “I’m so glad my parents stayed unhappy together until I left home.”

Children go through lots of difficult upheavals that they don’t choose. Bereavement, moving schools, losing friends, bullying, illness. For some reason we treat divorce as uniquely catastrophic, when in reality it’s one of many things that can be upsetting and destabilising, depending on the child and how it’s handled. My eldest DS was far more emotionally impacted by moving school in year 2 than divorce.

I think we often project our own fear of the unkown and sense of responsibility onto our children. Difficult things happen in life. There’s a period of upset and confusion, and then things settle into a new normal.

Natural to feel this way. I did too.
As Attila said the 4 of you ARE a family unit. You're making a decision based on what's best for all of you, not selfishly.
You said you know it is the right thing for them. It's not wrong just because it's also the right thing for you.