I've posted before and not sure if anyone remembers or recognises my username. Just wanted to share an update. We had to move out of the previous apartment exactly after 6 months as the landlady was a shared owner of the flat and wasn't allowed to rent it to anyone beyond the 6 month mark. We moved mid-December, just before everything closed for Christmas and NY and the run up to the move was a stressful time.
Basically my husband gave me an ultimatum - I either agree to have kids with him or we don't move into a new place. So that would have meant that I was going to have to find a way to move all my belongings and shift somewhere in a sharing space or a studio. I was not looking forward to that because that wasn't a resolution to anything because he would have helped me move and therefore have my new address, in any case he has my employer's address and knew where to find me eventually and 'reconcile' when it was convenient for him again after a while. He called my dad and told him that I have two days to decide. I didn't 'decide' anything and that ultimatum somehow went away in the last week on its own after weeks of me looking for rooms, studios and ways to move all my stuff without him and making permutations and combinations every single day about which city to go to, what sort of place to go for depending on xyz etc etc
We lived in a Travelodge for a week in the interim period - paid by me. I had a work xmas do to attend and he came along with me. We only stayed one evening (dinner + breakfast) but I was terrified he would say something, do something or insult me and my colleagues would find out. That sort of did happen at the dinner table when as part of a fun game we were all holding candy canes through the dinner and at one point we were asked to put it on top of our head. I placed his on his head and because he had held it for so long, it was super sticky and when he had to remove it, it wouldn't come off. He started getting angsty with me and saying rather loudly it was my fault that I pushed the candy down too hard in his hair (I didn't). I tried to help him but it wouldn't come off and while I was helping him he was getting louder and claiming it was all my fault and people sat next to us were giving us looks. I didn't know what else to do so I just gave up and pretended nothing was happening and went back to my plate. Towards the end of the dinner he wanted me to leave with him but I wanted to stay and he kept asking me to come with him, ordering me drinks I didn't want and making me feel embarrassed because nobody else was ordering drinks on their own - it was just the host asking everyone if anyone wanted a round of x or y etc. And he also told the server to swap his pudding with something else because he didn't like what he was served - we were supposed to let them know weeks in advance what each one of us was having and it was written on our name cards on the table also. I felt embarrassed. In the room I was forever afraid of him speaking loudly and low-key shouting as he usually does. I wasn't myself at this work do and wish he hadn't come along with me.
The next day we went to one his friend's for lunch and he told his friend 'it's a pain when your spouse is too intelligent as well...' and that felt like an insult to me, I was sitting right next to him. He also parked the car on the road where he should have bought a ticket and I tried to convince him to buy one, but he said no he will be okay and it seemed like he enjoyed saying no to me in front of our hosts who were also in the backseats of the car.
In Travelodge, he had this habit of kicking the door with his feet even if he had the smallest of items in both of his hands and we had a row over that also, I thought it was disrespectful that he would do that because I wouldn't. I would find a way to tuck something under my arm or place it on the floor for a second before kicking the door with my shoes. The day we moved into the new place (also rented), on our way here I asked him about how much the movers were charging (I was paying for the movers to get stuff from the storage unit to the house) and he said they were likely going to charge double and I said could you not have tried to negotiate for a better deal? That pushed him over the edge and he started abusing, cursing and escalating until I shut my mouth and wouldn't respond back to him. The only way for him to deescalate was if I let him have his fit, disrespect me, shout at me, call me names and 'put me in my place'.
The same evening we went to restaurant (I was paying for dinner) since we didn't have anything to eat as everything was boxed up in the new place, while waiting for a table in the waiting area a woman told him to come sit next to me and he said 'no I wouldn't want to sit next to that scary creature'. So he was escalating his disrespect just as I had suspected out in public as well. The next day we went to buy groceries and I paid for some of them (£45) and our deal was that he pays for groceries for the both of us. I usually don't ask him to pay me back but on that day I did, I said hey by the way you owe me £45 for the groceries. I put them away in the backseat of the car and as I sat in the front seat, he said to me 'don't yap so much and open the navigation when you get in the car and tell me exactly what you bought with that £45'. I said it's all in the backseat, it's food and he can have a look if he wants to but I won't be giving him a list of what I bought, I don't need to do that. That set him off once again, and he started abusing, swearing and kicking up a fuss to no end. We hadn't even been in this new house for two days and everyone must have heard the shouting back and forth. He threw the groceries in the kicthen and some on the floor and stormed out of the house saying this house was a hell hole.
It has been a month and three days since that evening. I have since moved to the box room in the house. So grateful we have this spare room that I can close the door to and stay in. I have not seen his face. I refuse to see his face. I do not go to the kitchen or the washroom when he is there. I have a single bed, some storage and just enough space for my desk and work chair. I love this cosy little set up and I stay in as much as I can. It's been so peaceful these past few weeks although I do feel lonely. I rang up Samaritans a couple of weeks ago - my very first call to a hotline in my life. That is what this does to me, whenever I stop contact with him I feel extremely lonely like there's not a single person out there for me. Other than that, I am quite peaceful. I pay him rent for the box room ( I leave it on his bedside table with a note). I don't do any of the housework anymore. I only cook for myself, I don't touch his stuff or his food. I go to the gym in the evening sometimes, I just joined a dance course that's once a week class that I also look forward to.
Life's a lot more peaceful but I know there is another move coming soon. So yes, that is my update if anyone wanted to know. Thanks for reading if you've come this far, I appreciate you giving this a read and your time. I have a fever tonight and it feels like my body and mind both are broken into so many pieces and I am holding them all together through sheer willpower. If you have a supportive comment to leave, it would mean so much to me. I feel broken on such a deep level and I could do with a handhold. I know what I need to do. I know I need to leave him. I already know all of that. I just need some time.