Friends new relationship.

[Frienddisasters]

I feel like a complete bitch for feeling this and have name changed for this

A very long term close friend is about to embark on yet another car crash of a relationship and I just can’t be dealing with participating in the talk around it.

She left a long term DA relationship a few years ago now. So proud of her. So relieved she’s alive. It was awful. Just awful

It’s not been easy since- he still controls her in many ways . However she’s done some counselling but still so much to unpick with deep patterns of thoughts and behaviours. She knows this.

However since the main separation she’s had 3 relationships. One was unconventional in terms of distance and personally on meeting him I thought he was overbearing and clingy. A little intense emotionally too. However he was a good man and I was always pleasant and kind about him. She ended it. Wanted someone who wasn’t far away. Fair enough.

Second one. I never met but from what she said he was emotionally unvested and used her for sex mostly. This one she did some drugs with and definitely had a bit of a crisis of doing things she never did in her teens/twenties.

I said silent unless asked for opinion. When asked I said I felt she deserved better. Understood the exploration of drugs but pointed out she had kids at home and the risks of harm.

She agreed mostly but went back and forth a few times. It burnt out after he hurt her hugely. She’s still not over him.

And now she’s racing head first into another relationship with another man who has some red flags and is lovebombing her. I’ve tried to be a friend yet point out a couple of things and urged her to date slowly. Get to know him. Give the brain chance to think and process.

Nope spent the entire weekend with him on first date. Honestly I want to shake her.

I love her so much and it’s her life and her mistakes but I’m the friend she turns to when it comes crashing down and I’m just not up for another rescue mission. Of course I will be there for her but it takes energy and time away from my family.

Friend support suggestions please!

I totally understand what you are saying I had a friend who was exactly the same.
I would only give my advise if asked, but as you know there is always a reason my friend kept having unhealthy relationships. She was desperate to have a mills and boom life.
I realised after about the number 4th knobhead/user was to just step back and not
give an opinion, but just let her have a a moan and keep my time with her short and sweet.
Finally after the last relationship she realised, she didn’t need to deal with lies, lack of boundaries, money and disrespect and booted him out. My friend is now embracing being single and spending real time with her DC’s and looking after herself and putting herself first !!!
Sorry long post OP I would just take a step back and spend a little less time with her, but of course just be a good friend as you are and let her know you are there for her just make your personal boundries ( she doesn’t have to know what they are) for your own self preservation or suggest she has counselling, which I did although it made no difference.

We already don’t spend as much time as we’d like due to work, family etc. Once a month physical catch up and messages in between.

I wouldn’t want to withdraw further than that as I’d miss her and also don’t want her to think I was disapproving of her current choice as it would make her dig her heels in further.

Plus her DA Ex alienated her from her support network and we had a few years apart. I didn’t realise it was DA. I should have and I feel guilty for that. Life was taking us both In different directions and we drifted. Then she found it easier to not see people rather than endure his arguments about her going out.

We missed out on so much in each others lives. I don’t want that to happen again. I love her dearly.

Of course this new man may be lovely and maybe I am seeing red flags incorrectly ( unlikely). I’m keen to meet him sooner rather than later. See how he treats her and those close to her.

@1Messycoo I’m glad your friend has had her eyes opened and enjoying some time being single. I really wish my friend would be properly single with no distractions for six months to a year. I think she’d be so much stronger for it.

Wondering if anyone else has any ideas please?

I had a friend like this, I stopped answering the phone . Returned text messages a couple of days later if at all, kind of ghosted her really . I got sick of drunk ranting tearful phone calls at all hours of problems all brought on herself . She was her biggest problem and once I realised that I stopped engaging with it. It was SO predictable and repetitive . I still miss her and I think she’s straightened out a bit but I’m not going to risk my peace by getting back in touch with her. If you tell someone the fire is hot and they stick their hand in it to check I can kind of sympathise, once, but if they keep putting their hand in the fucking fire I’m not dressing their burns repeatedly.

I'd tell her loud and clear what I thought.

She needs to sort herself out and focus on her priorities.

If she doesn't listen, then you know this is what she's always going to be like and I'd leave her to it.

I completely sympathise with you. But also with your friend. It's SO hard to hear "embrace being single" from people who are in healthy relationships with apparently nice men (apologies if I'm over reaching - I don't mean to assume or offend, but the point generally stands).

And so you continue, hoping things will change and you'll reach that state that your friends seem to be enjoying - partnership, equality, holidays, family occasions, affection.... It's really really hard to get out of.

I'm probably being unreasonable but I simply don't have any patience for people like your friend.

I can sympathise with a seemingly good relationship slowly sliding into DA - boiling frog etc - but not when a woman starts dating a guy with lots of visible red flags from the get go.

Honestly, at some point a grown woman has to take responsibility for her own (bad) choices.

Just tell her she is choosing the same awful men repeatedly, that she’s not in the right headspace for a relationship, and that you don’t want to be the witness to another car crash.

Hope that she doesn't let him move in with her, she has DC so hope she'll think about this. Tell her she needs time to herself.

It’s been a tricky few days keeping quiet tbh. Already had a cancellation of plans which I’m sure is related to new relationship and she’s been quiet…. Obviously busy being lovebombed! Not jealous of this- I have so much to juggle but it’s an observation I’ve made.

I might have read this new chap wrong but even if I have it’s happening way too fast. Slow the f* down I wanna scream. If he’s a keeper he’ll still be keen and there whilst you get to know each other!

Will keep an eye on things and for now I’m being quiet ( which in itself is a bit obvious as like like me!) as I don’t wanna alienate her.

There does come a point where people do have to take responsibility for their own poor choices. I’m not innocent- I’ve made a few! However I love her and it’s frustrating!

I’ll go crazy if she even mentions that. Her housing situation still needs resolving from the other big car crash and him moving in ( and gaining rights).

Withdraw and focus your energy elsewhere. Become a lower level friend not the first port of call. You can then review the friendship with some healthy distance and make a decision

She's not going to change. You can't control her.

If her coming to you when her life crashes happen is affecting you negatively, back off. Your family should come before a friend who continually makes bad choices and then expects you to rescue her. Being the white knight @is not a healthy dynamic.

It’s hard. She sounds like my sibling who has had abusive man after abusive man to varying degrees. I think she’s addicted to the drama of it - thinks it means passion/love rather than danger.

Well over 7 months in and it’s all happening as expected.

I have still not met him. Only recently spoken to him via a phone call she was on and what an absolute dick.

She is on constant video calls to him when not together.

Their lives are completely intertwined. She cancelling things in favour of him.

She’s relying on him heavily - he’s organising stuff around her house doing jobs and basically marking his territory

She doesn’t see it but he’s isolating her from family and friends with comments and doubts.

I have recently discovered he has criminal convictions ( recent which I reckon she’ll know about) and to be honest it’s like a red flag bingo card full.

Absolutely disappointed in her and really scaling back our friendship. I’m not gonna be here rescuer and she’s been so one sided it hurts.

any words of advice?

I haven’t read the full thread, but could you put a Clare’s Law request in? If there’s anything to disclose, they will disclose it directly to her.

Has your friend ever done the freedom program? Does she know that statistically she’s more likely to end up in a DV relationship if she yas escaped one previously? Sadly, she doesn’t know what is and isn’t a red flag because of her past experience, so anything that’s better than awful she thinks is good.

I was tempted to do a Clare’s law under right to tell as a concerned friend but in all honesty when the police contact to do the ID checks prior to any disclosure she’ll know it’s me and she’ll be furious- even if there is nothing additional to what I have found out ( which I’m pretty certain she knows about).

She didn’t do the Freedom programme but she has done a more intensive peer programme which goes much more deeper.

She does know what red flags are but isn’t translating his behaviour in to it.

I have a friend like this. She was in a long term relationship with a man who clearly didn’t like her that much but who kept her hanging on. She eventually ended that and then had another 4 flings - each one she was sure was ‘the one’. One of them was entirely online and she believed everything he told her, including his claims to be heir to a vast family fortune. She never met him (or had a video call) but he turned nasty after she sent ‘pictures’ and threatened to share them online unless she sent more. Thankfully she ‘fessed up to us her friends and we helped her get out of that one. After that there were a few in-person relationships - each of them seemed to only want one thing and were quick to ditch her once they’d got it.

She so desperately wanted the Mills and Boon ending and despite having a great job and being really together in other areas of her life, she just seemed to have so little judgement with men. She’s now due to get married to a man who has done his best to isolate her from all her friends and I’ve not heard from her in months. I feel very very sad about it but she’s just pulled back and I can’t force it.

In terms of what you can do - I don’t think there’s much other than to be there when it falls apart. I tried everything with my friend including the blunt conversation and it would work for a while…until the next smooth talker came along!

I think you need to put yourself first. Your friend is an adult and has to first admit there's a problem before she can be helped in any meaningful way.

In your shoes I'd tell her straight that I can't keep watching her make the same mistake and so will be stepping back from the friendship. I wouldn't just cut/lower contact with no explanation since I think that would be cruel.

Yes I’m stepping back. Don’t feel I need to make an announcement to her about her. There’s been some shitty behaviour about something planned so she knows she’s upset me. I’ve not replied to her last message. She knows I’ll be pissed off. This was just the final straw for me.

Thank you for the update.

No one can say you haven’t tried. You’re an amazing friend, but you’ve done the right thing to leave her to it now. It’s what she’s doing and it’s what she wants. Wild horses wouldn’t have stopped her.

It must have been mentally exhausting for you, and you have to accept that this is her. One day hopefully she will realise, but not necessarily.

You’re obviously a very good person, and although it must be sad and frustrating, I hope you feel a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Take care of yourself and your own family 💐