If you read the threads on MN is easy to think everyone is in an abusive relationship-for balance tell us about your good one please

[Ilovepastafortea]

OK been married for over 40 years 3 grown DCs & 7 GCs.

Our marriage has not always been perfect - who's is?

Most of the conflict was early on because DH was developing & expanding his catering business while we had 3 DCs under 5. He was also heavily into sports, running, triathlon, rugby, golf - well any sport really. However, I always kept my own job even though it was tough at times coming home from work, dealing with DCs & then helping DH out in his business. But having my own job helped to give me perspective, a sense of doing something worthwhile & a space where I was me, not someone's wife or mother.

DH & me have always discussed issues, never let anything fester. For example: I felt that he was spending too much time at his sports & leaving me to do all the domestic work & childcare. So we negotiated times when he could train (he changed his training to 05:30 or during the break in his business between 14:00 & about 13:30 so that he was home in time to help with breakfast & getting the DCs ready for school & to help with laundry, preparing a meal for DCs & to spend some time with me as I finished work at 12:30). I had a day off every week when DH would also take the day off & would deal with everything involving the DCs that day while, after I'd finished work I could do my own thing - even if that meant to have a nap. I also insisted that it didn't matter what was on, but Sunday was family day & we would do something as a family. I know, (because he's since told me), that he rather hated this as it was his only day off he wanted to laze around. However, he did it - not necessarily with good grace(!)

We rarely have an argument but often have 'heated discussions' where we work hard to focus on the actual issue rather than bringing up other irritations that take us away from what is important.

Over the years we have both mellowed understanding that minor irritations (such as him leaving things to soak in the sink, meaning I have to put my hand into a bowl of cold greasy water to drain it before I can wash the stuff up) may be irritating, but I'll never change him now. These days, on the rare occasions when he does this, instead of having a go at him, I calmly point out to him that 'his' washing up is still in the sink, that we have a dishwasher & would he please clear it as I can't use the sink. I then walk away from it. In the past I'd have had the screaming ad-dabs over it.

I'm sure that DH could write an essay about the things that I've done, not done or continue to do/not do over the years that irritate him. 😂

My late mother used to say that she worked on the 70/30% theory - as long as it's 70% or so more good than bad, she could put up with the 30% cr@p. However, she also pointed out that sometimes you need to stretch this to 60/40 or even 80/20 in the short term. In my view, its a matter of communicating that's important. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

What do other's think?

I don’t think it’s so much that everyone’s in an abusive relationship as most people aren’t going to come on here to say how wonderful their marriage is. People tend to post asking for advice.

Being on here for years helped me to see that I was in a semi-abusive relationship- and the result was that over time I became stronger and found a way to articulate my feelings to dh without losing my temper and in a way that made it impossible for him to deny/darvo me. I learnt the methods men use to keep us in our place - And how to break the pattern. I’ve also realised that dh is likely ND, and genuinely didn’t realise himself why I was so angry.

It was the result of a thread on here (and the amazing advice and support I received) years back that I finally laid down the law re getting married to DH after years of the subject being evaded and him closing me down. Long story short I just had enough and packed my bags as the women on here helped me find the strength to do it (this was one of several other issues). As far as I was concerned I was done. I knew I deserved better.
Ultimately he realised he’d been a dick and really put the effort into changing his ways (after lots and lots of talking and me moving out for a bit). Several years later, our relationship is better now than it’s ever been - bc we’re equals and I don’t take any shit. I know il be fine without him if I have to be. and he knows it too.
The many strong women on MN (especially on the relationship board) who give great advice have helped me find a voice at times when I didn’t know what to say or how to articulate my feelings and why I felt that way.

My relationship is actually better bc of MN, I’ve no doubt if I hadn’t come on here for advice I’d still be in the same situation.

I dunno… I always find every thread I open is ‘my abusive ex’ ‘my child’s parent is abusive’ ‘I left him due to emotional and financial abuse’ and I’m at the point where I don’t know if it’s a good to phrase on here now in order to garner support or if literally everyone’s exes are abusive 🫠

Yes, it's the nature of such boards that people are asking for help. It's a good thing that MN is here to help people.

I just thought that those of us in a good relationship might like to share what makes their relationship work.

Don't get me wrong, we've had seriously dodgy times when both of us wondered if we were doing the right thing & maybe we should separate. But we carried on & are stronger & more in love than we were when we married 40 years ago. When we married it was all about sex, for a few years, when we were so busy with DCs & work, sex took a back seat. Now DD has confessed that she feels that she needs to ring before she drops in as once she turned up unexpectedly at about 3pm & we were...well...'at it' on the sofa. Luckily we'd locked the doors & closed the curtains otherwise she'd have just wrapped on the door as she usually does, saying 'cooee, just me' & walked in on us. We answered the door in <hastily grabbed> dressing gowns & it was obvious what we we'd been up to.

Her whole attitude was 'good for you mum & dad!' Nothing was said, but everyone knew what we'd been doing😂

Yes, but as I say it seems to be thrown about by everyone these days it’s hard to believe it all. A relationship can just break down. An ex can just be a difficult PiTA.

not sure anyone needs to hear about your 3pm shag sessions

not sure anyone needs to hear about your 3pm shag sessions

I thought the same. Weird.

People in happy and healthy relationships are not going to be posting for advice, hence why it seems everyone on MN is in an abusive relationship.

I hear what you're saying. I thought it might help someone to know that a couple who've been married for over 40 years in their 70's & 60's still shag & not everyone gives up on sex & moves into separate rooms once they reach the grand old age of 70.

There seems to be an assumption that people in their later years are no longer interested in sex.

I'd say it's very rare that in a broken relationship, only one person was ever abusive.

Certainly the couples I know in real life who have been through bad breakups, have been abusive to each other at some point.

Sometimes one is more abusive than the other though.

Yes, agree that often it takes 2 to break a relationship & usually there are mistakes made on both sides. However, in my professional experience (I work with the most vulnerable people in society), abuse is usually perpetrated from one partner, rarely both partners.

Again, most people have been through breakups in relationships & bear the scars - emotional if not physical.

However, in my professional experience (I work with the most vulnerable people in society), abuse is usually perpetrated from one partner, rarely both partners.

Well as you say, that's probably because of your profession.

I'm in my mid-fifties and have lost count of the amount of couples I've seen break up.

It's very common for both to be abusive at some point.

I agree. As an IDVA it can be very difficult when we're asked to assess cross allegations, but there is always a predominant abuser (the one who has control in the relationship) with some victims having perpetrated 'violent resistance' which is misinterpreted as abuse.

It all seems a bit smug really.

I have a good relationship now but I had an abusive one where I was the abused.

I was first married, from age 18, for 28 years. I left because the marriage was dead, but no abuse.

My 2nd marriage lasted 23 years until he died from Covid in 2023. No abuse - a totally happy marriage. 💖

I’ve never been involved with anyone abusive.

Obviously we're in a similar job. Totally agree with you about the reactive abuse - often the abuser will allege that the abused threatened them or was violent, which may be the case but usually only when in extremis & when the victim finds the courage to fight back.

However, I find my job satisfying, if sometimes very stressful (for example when dealing with a woman referred by the police who's still in her PJs with bruises & injuries having escaped the previous night) as, no doubt you do. It's great when you help someone to rebuild their life & several years later hear about how well they're doing.

I’ve had one long term relationship, it wasn’t abusive. I’m 35 now and been single 7 years. I’m completely inflexible, and not prepared to accept anything that makes me feel comprised - hence why I am very happy single, and I don’t date. I don’t think all relationships are abusive, but very few are like anything I would want for myself.