Why is he still in contact?!

[LoyalBird]

Hi Mums netters.
brief back story, ex and I split after a nearly 10 year relationship in 2022. No kids etc never married. I moved to his home town 100 miles away but since split have returned home.
we are still in contact, not all the time but speak at least every few weeks. He’s remained single. I have dated since. We do occasionally meet for dinner or drinks etc when he’s in my hometown, nothing ever crosses the line and he never insinuates anything. It can be flirty at times from us both. He still sends gifts for birthdays etc.
ill be honest and say i love him still, but im just confused now why after he ended the relationship (it wasn’t because of us we split he essentially chose his family over me) does he still do what his doing?

Because he's disrespectful and doesn't want you to move on?

Because you are letting him. Move on..

Because clearly there is a strong connection.
You guys split in 2022, it’s now 2026 !
You chat every few weeks , still meet up for dinner & drinks when he is in your home town .
I wouldn’t think there is many EXs who do that 🤷🏻‍♀️.
How do you mean the split was cause he chose his Family ???

a couple of members of his family always used to make little comments and digs and after years of biting my tongue I said my piece. Things got twisted and he chose to believe them over what was said. It’s something now he realises he shouldn’t have done and always apologises for it.

Because he likes female company without.commitment and with familiarity until he meets someone else.

Oh , I don’t know OP .
What do you think yourself
Do you feel he still loves you ?

Maybe it is just familiarity and he doesn’t have to process everything while I’m still in contact.
part of me believes he still loves me and other times I’m not sure. Maybe he wishes it could be different but it’s been too long. I don’t know I wish I did know all I know for sure is after 3 years it still hurts

But then he ended your relationship over it?

Is there still a physical attraction there ?

Basically. He said if it was something between me and him he’d get over it and we’d be good but as it was his family it was too hard too.

I believe so for him and from me.
3 years later and I still feel the same way for him. I don’t know wether to tell him and then close the chapter or to just keep my pride and say nothing.

You were together for 10 years, that’s a long time .
Surely you can be honest with him & talk very easily about your feelings?

I can yes but I suppose I know that even if he felt the same we both know our lives are in different cities again now and realistically it wouldn’t work. And the thought of him not being in my life in some way hurts like hell. I feel like when I don’t see him I’m okay but after I have seen him it makes it all come back again

Then he'll always put them before you. I'd cut contact. It's just keeping old wounds open and not allowing you to move on.

Well I think you already moved for him , I wouldn’t be doing that again .( not suggesting you would) .
I also believe if two people are supposed to be together, geography is a hell of a stupid reason to keep them apart.
Feeling sad after your meets ups isn’t good either OP .
It’s like you’re in limbo , no one can live in limbo .
You have to bite the bullet & have that conversation, only then can you move forward, with or without him x

I agree

It's good in one way that you still have a good relationship but is it holding you back from having a meaningful relationship with anyone else? Also, how would you feel if he started a relationship with anyone else?
The ball is definitely in his court, he ended your relationship so it's not your place to reveal how you feel.

You’re both clinging to the past. You won’t move on while you’re still seeing him.

you need to rip the plaster off and stop seeing him.

or get back together.

but at the minute you’re his back up.

Surely this indicates that it's better to not have him in your life at all? You'll never move on otherwise. He chose not to believe you and picked his family over you - if you did think about getting back with him, the same problems will be there waiting for you!

I agree with this.
I would make a plan for things you want to do if he says he doesn’t want to get back together so that you have an emotional safety net, so to speak, and then have the conversation. It’s not very fair on you that he ended the relationship but is still in your life with no clear explanation of what he wants. There is no closure and life is short. You could meet someone else or your life could move on in other ways. I think if you don’t have the conversation, then you are not going to be sufficiently emotionally free to meet someone else or move on.

And yes, I would probably want to know what will be different second time around

Thank you for what you’re all saying it does make sense and it’s what I need to hear.
i have dated since which he knows about but no one compares and he’s dated no one since me, his choice not too. I suppose I’ve just struggled as to understand why he wants me in his life still when he ended it. I know he regrets what he did but doesn’t change the fact he did it.

He knows it wouldn't work, but he doesn't want you to move on. He can't have you, and he's doing his best to make sure that nobody else can have you either. It's three years already. How many more years of your life do you want to spend like this?

He doesn’t want you, but he also doesn’t want anyone else to have you, because he’s a twat.

He’s using you to boost his ego, that’s all.