Just ended my relationship..

[MumDem]

I've just ended an abusive 3 year relationship. I have no friends or family, so I have no support at all. I just need some guidance.
Ending the relationship was for the best as like I said it was very emotionally abusive.
I'm not coping well at all, I've spoken to my therapist and they have come to a conclusion that I'm trauma bonded.
I'm blaming myself for the breakdown of the relationship, I'm making excuses for his behaviour, I'm wishing he'd come back and save me from the pain. I've not eaten in 5 days, I'm not sleeping, I'm not speaking to everyone and have just laid on the couch for the past 5 days with a hot water bottle watching movies with the kids that I'm trying to hide I'm crying at.
I cried at the scene in how to train your dragon where toothless leaves hiccup, it reminded me so much of the constant abandonment my ex used to give me when I did something wrong and by wrong I mean say I was upset about something or having a bad day, he'd ignore me for days on end until I was happier to "deal with". I'm an emotional wreck.
I've deleted everything of him, including his number to stop me reaching out to him as I don't have the will power to keep away from him. I don't know what to do! I'm lost, broken, alone. Completely and utterly scared for what's gonna happen next.

Moving forward, focus on taking things one day at a time and avoid dwelling on what caused your pain. When he comes back, remember this feeling—your current despair—and remind yourself that you deserve much better. His return will only keep you trapped in this cycle of suffering. This is not love. You are using each other rather than acknowledging why you both accept this dysfunctional behaviour.

All credit to you for ending this "relationship". You now need time and space to heal. He targeted you to abuse you and he will move onto his next target soon enough. Such men hate women, ALL of them.

Your boundaries perhaps already skewed by previous abuse and or poor life experience, have been further eroded by this individual now. Do not fall for any hoovering attempt on his part to draw you back in. Its over and you must not go back to him.

Where are your friends and family here?. Did he deliberately isolate you from them over three years?.

Can your therapist continue work with you to break the trauma bond?.

I would now contact Women's Aid for their support too and ask about the Freedom Programme as it is for those who have been in abusive relationships. You can do this in person (ideally) or online. I would also suggest you read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

I lost my friends when I fell pregnant 12 years ago, all my family have passed away, so it's just me and my 2 children.

My therapist has been around for a year now and is going to continue working with me.
I got out of this situation thank you to women's aid.

Sending lots of love. You have done the right thing 💜

It's just your mind panicking as you've been in high alert mode for so long and now the cause has been removed it's forgotten normal function so it's panicking.

Mindfulness will really help. Ask your therapist to help you with act (acceptance and commitment therapy) it really helped my brain when it lashing out.

Well done, the hardest thing you did was leaving. Your children deserves a mummy that is full time present in mind with them and you deserve a peaceful life. If you haven't read why does he do that, you can get a free pdf of it if you google online. And I highly recommend doing the freedom programme. You've got this op.

Well done. Hang on in there. It'll get better. You just have to get through this shit stage. And you will. Keep going one day at a time. Gradually it will get easier until you no longer remember this time.
Even if you went back to the relationship, 10 minutes later you would think to yourself what the hell have I done?
It must have taken you a lot of strength and courage to leave. Hold onto that.

I know you don't feel like eating but eat small bits of things and make sure you keep your fluids up. You need to stay well for your dcs.

Sending you a massive hug.

You’ve made the first step towards your new happy life . Your children will thankyou when they’re older.

Well done for getting out of the relationship, you are courageous and resilient to have got this far!

Now for the next bit - making a new life for yourself and your kids. Focus on them, getting through each day doing what needs to be done. Don't let yourself think about him, if your thoughts drift towards him, distract yourself - get outside & walk briskly, splash cold water on your face, sort out your wardrobe or kitchen cupboards, scrub the bathroom - keep busy!! Activity is your friend, it's a good distraction.

When the kids are in bed, get out a notebook and start making a list - new things to do this year! You need to make connections with other people - join a new activity group, ladies social group, hobby or evening class, walking group, yoga class....the possibilities are endless. Look on local Facebook groups, your local library, community centre for ideas. Get the kids out and go for a run, park run, beach, woods, being outside and in nature is calming and good for the soul.

Keep thinking about what YOU want out of life. Be kind to yourself and try and eat, just a little at a time. Soak in a hot bubble bath, put on your comfiest pj's and watch something funny or familiar. You only have this one life so don't waste it thinking about the man that abused you. You deserve a happy life so reach out and grab it 💐

Absolutely well done on deleting his number. I hope you blocked it too.
Life will be unusual for a while. But make goals/plans and congratulate yourself on the little wins that will come along the way.
You can do this, with the end result of being content and happy.

I mean this as kind as it’s possible to be - you’ve done the absolute right thing by leaving and going no contact.

Now, you need to get up off the couch….you say you’ve been on it for 5 days. You need to start picking up the threads of everyday life. You need to get busier if only to take your mind to other places. Lying on a sofa for days on end - the old saying ‘misery loves company’ is apt here.

I know your situation is not mine and easy for me to say, but please get up, make plans for a different kind of day tomorrow.