How to deal with DHs behaviour?

[Cinai2]

I probably will get some LTB comments and yes, that’s the long term plan but I need to wait until our baby is a bit older, and in the meantime, I’m looking for ways to deal with him getting upset in ridiculous situations. Today’s example:

H said he’s going to the shop and if I need anything. I asked him to get a certain product, he said they don’t have this and I said that they definitely do. He heads off. I realise from the direction he’s heading to that he is not going to the shop I assumed he was going to, and the product I asked him for he couldn’t find there. Then our toddler kicked off and I needed to attend him, but 5 minutes later I texted him ‘Didn’t realise you’re going to shop X, you won’t find this there, no worries I’ll go later myself’. Reason for my text was that I didn’t want him to walk up and down the aisles looking for something that isn’t there.

Anyway, he comes home 10 minutes later, very upset, says something like I’m too impatient, if he’s not quick enough I can get my own stuff in future…I was confused because it didn’t make any sense to me.

Its not the first time that this happened, he randomly gets upset with me about something I presumably have done/meant with a text, and it always hits me out of nowhere.

I usually try to very calmly ask him why he feels upset, apologise for any misunderstanding and then explain what I meant. I reassure him that there was no criticism whatsoever and that it was a miscommunication but that I’m taking on board how it came across and that I will be more careful in how to phrase things in future.

But this doesn’t work, he then just turns it around and asks why I want to start a fight and that I just love drama, and why I can’t just leave him in peace.

Are there better ways to address such situations? Shall I ignore his behaviour and wait until he gets normal again? Or go for the attack myself and tell him off for coming home and throw a tantrum for no reason? I might even turn the tables and ask him why he comes home and wants to start a fight and if he loves drama? My usual response is to discuss everything calmly and listen to someone else’s point of view to validate their feelings, but that seems to get me nowhere with him.

Once he told you they didn't stock what you wanted in the shop he was going to why didn't you just believe him and say don't worry .was it something you urgently needed.

I'm not sure this is LTB territory. But, you do need to work on better and more effective communication with each other. If there are underlying resentments/annoyances/patterns of behaviour, they do need to be addressed.

Well he said ‘not sure if they have this’ but I knew 100% that they do, so I said so and he was happy to look because he wasn’t sure either way.

But happy to be told that I’m in the wrong, because I really can’t see why the text I sent could upset anyone that much?

Why are you and he together at all now?.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; it's about power and control. This man wants absolute here.

And no you do not have to wait until your child is older; how much older exactly?. School age, early teens?. More emotional harm to you and in turn he will be done by then. That is you kicking the can down the road; do not use your son here as a reason or excuse to stay with such an awful man who cannot even be asked to buy some shopping item for you. He thinks you are a pest or nuisance.

Start planning your exit from him sooner rather than later. He is not going to change and this is who he really is. What sort of an example is he to your son anyway; you would not want him as an adult to in any way behave like this to his spouse or partner would you?. Stop showing your son this treatment of you is at all acceptable to you.

Do you want specific advice or do you want your feelings validated?

You now have a toddler. Abusers often ramp up the power and control ante during pregnancy; was this the case with you?. This along with birth is often a flashpoint for abusers to show their true colours.

Again this is no atmosphere for you, let alone a child to be growing up in. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He sounds like an exhausting pain in the arse.

If you are going to leave sooner is better

If all the issues come from him misunderstanding texts, stop texting him? It seems a lot to get worked up over, him going to a different shop from the one you thought he was going to. But if he is generally mean to you and picking fights, this is no way to live. Why are you validating his feelings, that sounds like being very submissive to him, does he validate your feelings ever?

Did you make sure he had a nappy on when he left the house.