Dealing with choice in online dating

[Sunshine386]

I've been mucked about a bit in the past with online dating, dating men who are supposedly looking for connection and then being emotionally unavailable or disappearing after a few months. They simply haven't come across as people who were ready for a relationship.

This had made me fairly cautious about getting to know people when dating online as I obviously don't want that to keep happening. So how do you handle multiple choices online, is getting to know a few different people in early dates acceptable, like going for coffee, drinks, food with different men? I just want to get to know them a bit and I find that difficult after one date. It's knocked my confidence a bit after going for the wrong people and I want to get more of a sense of them

Line up lots of coffee dates with different men, dismiss those who don’t have that spark, and see what happens. Don’t get sucked into a texting conversation with anyone, arrange to meet in person asap. Good luck 🤞

Obtain their name. work, place they live and then research them on social media. Have a second account for this.

Try to establish what you are looking for early on on the conversation. Won't always prevent things fizzling out after a few months but it will weed out some who are not seriously looking.

I used to treat old like a screening process, so text on the site and if you like the sound of them then suggest a quick chat on the phone. l ruled out any who had no conversation and/or whose voice l didn't like.
If you like the sound of them then arrange to meet for a quick coffee asap to see if there's an attraction and a connection. If there's no spark when you meet then don't see them again but if you like each other arrange another date quickly and go from there.
That way you're not stuck endlessly texting which somehow never leads to meeting up. Or if it finally does often ends in disappointment. Good luck!

This sounds like really solid advice. Especially the meeting early for coffee part!

I’ll be a newbie to online dating when I look to start in a few months (need to work through some personal stuff first) but think this approach is one I’ll be adopting. Hoping it works for (normal-ish) males as well.

Personally i throw in questions when their guard is down and never tell them what i am looking for otherwise they will suck you in.
Check their language can they speak.
Trust your gut.

Looking for connection doesn't mean the same thing to men as it does to women, imo

I think its fine to date multiple people, but I also know that if it were happing with someone I was dating I'd (rightly or wrongly) find it a red flag!

I'm just the same as you though. I cant be bothered to keep getting hurt and I want to get to know someone first before diving into anything. I think thats why online dating isnt really for me though

Get to know them with a purpose by filtering them with your own list of criteria. Get to know the important bits like family, views on religion and politics, attitude to money, relationship history..whatever is important to you.

Online dating gamifies human connection and presents an illusion that you have many options, and if you don’t like that one, keep swiping. The truth is the pool is very small indeed and there are so many people on these apps that have no intention of desiring a relationship - are just looking for sex, validation, an ego boost, something to quell their boredom or existential dread. So yes, if you’ve the time and stomach for it, go on a number of dates at the same time and try to work out who the decent ones are that want what you want. It’s a lot of work and personally I don’t have had the emotional energy to do that.

This is pretty much what I was going to say.

The ‘pool’ of genuine, decent men who are actually single and wanting a relationship is absolutely tiny. I know this sounds pessimistic, but it’s true. I think it’s best for people to go into it knowing how it is actually is. Personally, I would rather boil my head than participate 😅

I get why someone would do this before getting serious with someone, but do people do it before first dates too?

I’d worry I would let something slip that I’d seen.

I absolutely do that before dates. I have found people lying about their jobs, trump supporters, girlfriends, a wife on one occasion, generally being a bit of a tit, posting really disgusting comments about women, posting about their gross sex tourism holidays..

I did let something slip once actually. Purposefully, because it was ridiculously cute. They weren't impressed! Would not recommend 🤣

I found in the past that some men use online dating when they are in a relationship already because they want the attention, definitely do social media digging on them, you'll
be surprised what you find.

I think there is a trend on here to knock online dating. All the things that can happen used to happen in the old world of "meeting people in the pub" dating. It didn't cut out the knobs, the wasters, the cheaters - that still happened and as someone who started dating in the 1970s it was a horrible process - going to parties to try to meet people, clubs 😬 and pubs. It tended to be initially about how people looked and you had no idea about what they were like. At least now you can get some sense of what they are like and the ability to do a bit of background checking. Establish your boundaries and do not hesitate to reject anyone the moment they are breached.

I think for me I'd rather go on 4 or 5 dates with a couple of different people to try and get to know them a bit and their values, not having sex obviously then I wouldn't be multi dating at that point and would pick somebody.

It is just difficult to get to know people properly after even one date or to put your hopes into them at that point and reject all other options, when sometimes they then don't want to see you again and you've then rejected the other people who might be decent. I have had people start messing about about after a couple of dates like cancelling things and shuffling you about time wise, or they are simply not a particularly good communicator, or they are not available for weeks at a time. So it's difficult to pick just one at that point when you don't know the people.

Maybe stop seeing them as dates @Sunshine386 . How about reframing it as a quick cup of coffee with someone to see if you have any real life connection. Take the pressure off yourself and stop trying to suss them out as a potential life partner on the first meeting and just see if you like them enough to want to meet them again.

Don't have hopes or expectations for what is effectively a complete stranger, just be in the moment and see if you find them attractive, have things in common, would be happy to keep the connection going. Helped me massively.

Everything FionaG said, plus a quick phone chat very early on to exclude anyone who sounds weird.

I wrote a list of priorities on a piece of paper and hung it somewhere very visible (lived on my own and clipped it to my living room pendant light) so I could refer to it often. It helped sharpen my views.

An unexpected benefit was that because I was so focused on what I wanted it was harder to feel sad about being rejected because presumably they were applying their own list of priorities so fair enough.

I think it’s fine to date a few people or at least keep options open for a while, I think I went wrong when I concentrated on just one when I didn’t know them well enough to judge properly, ( don’t trust too quickly ) I would do things differently if I’m brave enough to do it again. I found the men were keen to make it exclusive and brought that subject up quickly, however they were more shady about wanting to clarify if it was a relationship, looking back they just after something short term and pretend they are serious and those were the ones I had to weed out to find! Takes perseverance and a thick skin to find anyone decent.

@Sunshine386 I read on mn - think about it like walking into a pub of 100 men. How many of them are you going to fancy? Of that number how many are going to fancy you? In that way it's a more realistic way of looking at it all as opposed to being some kind of failure.