Balance of adult life chores whilst working and raising kids

[lcm1993]

I can’t live with my partner anymore as she frustrates me so much , we are completing different wave lengths with how we go about adult life and hour chores etc . We are both on the same wave lengths with parenting and she a good person but her lack of organisation in adult life has meant I’m at the end of my tether with things.

I work 07:00 - 17:30 5 days a week, do my own ironing, I deep clean the house fortnightly , empty the bins and nappy bins, clean the dog poo, take bins out, do the majority of the life admin for everything.

She has our 1 and 3 year old while I work and is a really good mum, they go nursery two days a week.
She does all the cooking and raises them really well and sorts out all the kids stuff. I come home from work and help with the kids on the evening and weekends, they’re my world and I’m a very present dad.

Problem is I always feel burnt out physically and mentally and feel like she could do more during the week. She also stresses me out with how bad her life admin is - if a bill rises she does nothing with it, we never do food shopping on same day and always run low, she is all over the place with passwords, wills etc , she puts things down and never away and things constantly need cleaning, every cupboard she owns is messy, her car always ends up a state.

Whenever you confront her it’s never ends well. And I sometimes wish I could be a bit more laid back towards it but I struggle hence why I ask on here.

Is the balance fair and do I need to chill hell out a bit ? Open for advise 😃

I don't think this is something to break up over.

Clearly, people who are disorganised don't do it to annoy people, or out of some perceived laziness, they are just people that struggle with organisation.

Why not sit down together calmly to try to work out how you can put things in place that make her life - and then, by default, your life - easier and a bit calmer for you without anyone needing to nag anyone ?

Life with two little ones has it's lovely moments of course, but it is also pretty grinding for most parents. I suspect most of us have "I can't do this anymore" moments at this stage of our lives.

What you need to do is acknowledge you loved her before you had the dc, when presumably she was also disorganised, and that she is still the same person. Think how together you can get through this stage.

Was she like this before kids?

Why are you ‘confronting’ the person you love when they’re struggling?

”work 07:00 - 17:30 5 days a week, do my own ironing, I deep clean the house fortnightly , empty the bins and nappy bins, clean the dog poo, take bins out, do the majority of the life admin for everything” - even if you were single you would need to do this and more.

She has two days a week while the kids are at nursery? It does seem like she should be doing more. Cooking 3x meals a day for a family from scratch does take time, and keeping the kids organised too, but there should be time for bills and some cleaning etc. Does she say she has no time, or that she forgets?

The bills need to go on direct debit. Neither me or my husband ever pays a bill. Once a year at renewal we check we are still getting a good deal. We do this together, after the kids are in bed.

Deep cleaning we sometimes do together. Usually as the kids are around this means that one of us is watching them and is therefore ineffective, but it is great for our marriage and the kids are learning valuable lessons. The kids "help".

In terms of balance being fair, you should be aiming for:

• she does what she can while you're at work, without her being massively stressed
• outwith work the two of you spend equal amounts of time on household tasks and childcare
• you get equal time to yourselves where you can do hobbies alone or just lounge in the bath or whatever is your choice

Aren't all your bills on direct debit? You do sound like you need to unclench a bit and be less regimented and she sounds like she's pretty disorganised. If that's who she is and has always been, she's unlikely to change much! You need to have a sit down and conversation about how you're feeling and how the disorganisation affects you. Try and agree one or two things that she can do to make home life run a bit easier - for example, have a weekly food shop list and she can do the food shop on one of the days the children are at nursery. If you give her a massive long list of everything you think she's doing wrong, it's not going to help. Try changing one ot two things and go from there. But if you are someone who's more bothered by mess and disorganisation, I think you have to accept that you need to compromise and let some things go.

I’m a really organised person.

i absolutely wasn’t when I was sleep deprived with two young kids.

was she like this pre kids?

either way she won’t respond well to being told what she is doing wrong.

get the bills on direct debit.
her car and the cupboards being messy is neither here nor there