Am I being gaslight?

[Reyrey1]

No idea what to believe anymore, am I deluded in that I'm wrong, is it him. Am I in self pity mode and being self centred... Just want honest opinions please..
So husband has been increasingly distant, doesn't pay much attention to me, always wants to get out of house. I feel desperately lonely and unloved, emotionally and physically. After a few attempts over years of bringing this up, nothing has changed and feel it's getting worse.
This morning, brought up how he shouted at me other day that he didn't care about me only about my son's MH. He firstly denied it, then said he didn't shout, then turned it to ask what I said as I "remember everything" so kinda passive aggressively wanted me to answer while intensely staring at me. I went silent, I know what I said roughly but I couldn't recite word for word. I KNOW I didn't shout as was aware and made sure I didn't react and I KNOW what he said. Although I'm still second guessing myself now and feel maybe I'm going mad. He hasn't apologised and straight away twisted the discussion about how I always do this, I gaslight him, I make everything about me and don't think about him. I've said I'm desperately lonely and feel no connection to him, unloved, no compliments, barely any physical contact etc. He said why would he give me that if he doesn't get it from me. Almost like tit for tat, no accountability. That's true for me and I sadi that to him that I don't show him it either as I pull away and shutdown when I feel someone doesn't want me as massively sensitive due to rejection issues. He also said I'm over thinking this and it is what it is, it's marriage after nearly 20 years together. He said he's not perfect but this is who he is. He said I drive him mad and it's always been about me and how I feel and that I don't care about him either and that I go mental and my hormones make me go crazy etc. I brought up about the fact he goes to pub every Friday and plans and makes time, energy for that but can't make effort with me. His reply, because he wants to go and get out. And not sit in being miserable with me. So basically I've brought up how I feel yet again and it's done nothing. Made things worse

Who cares what the label is.

He sounds horrible.
You both sound very unhappy in this relationship

You both sound unhappy in the relationship - maybe time to call it a day?

I know. Just feel if it had a label, it would help make a definitive decision for me. But if it's me that's in the wrong or just as bad then I can take a accountability and try and help relationship

Forget the label.

This sounds bloody awful

I think you have both misunderstood and misused the term gas lighting but that's unimportant.

You sound unhappy and there doesn't seem to be any positives to the relationship.

If you both still love each other, then you could try couples counselling. If that's not an option, then I think you should end things. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel lonely and unloved.

It takes two to work on a -relationship-. Not one.

You can examine your own role in things after you're out.

This.

You're the only one that wants to work on this relationship. Not him.

It sounds like you’re looking for permission to feel the way you do but you don’t need it. He is not validating a single feeling of yours. He doesn’t want to spend time with you. He deflects back everything you say about what is making you feel disconnected. It’s a clever tactic as you constantly doubt yourself. But really what’s the point. It’s just miserable.

I can't afford to be alone financially. We would have to sell house yet I would have both kids all week. They are Sen so harder than most and don't like change. I stay for them and financial reasons. I did suggest couples therapy a while ago but he dismissed it. Pretty sure I don't love him anymore. If I had the money, I would go.