Is being unhappy reason enough?

[Whatisthisallabout1]

I’ve posted before, my partner is non committal on us having another child. I’m 38 and likely past it. I have cried for years over it, supported him through career changes. I have done all I can. I have been in therapy for over a year and it all comes back to our relationship. He won’t attend relationship therapy. I desperately want another child and it’s went on so long - I know that won’t change. I am growing to resent him. I am doing crazy things like signing up to uni, an offshore job and a new puppy. All to fill a whole. But is it really worth uprooting my existing child’s life because I’m sad and unhappy. Is it fair? I’ll be unlikely to meet someone and build another family because of my age. So do I do it? It feels much easier than staying.

When you say he’s non committal do you mean he’s not agreeing to confirm a specific yes / no timeline, or that he’s adamantly against a second child?

Are you happy to have a second child as a single parent, or does it have to be the conventional relationship plus children?

how old is your first child?

my only concerns about starting a new family with a new partner in your situation would be how well your first child would cope. 38 is by no means old, but I’ve assumed from your post there is a big sense of urgency to have the second child. This would bring your timeline to perhaps separating, meeting someone new, moving them in, second child, in the space of 2 years. It’s a lot for a kid to adjust to and only you can say how robust they are in managing so much change. In practical terms could you stay in the home you are currently? Would your current partner likely stay on good terms with you, what would be the arrangements for your shared child? Would it be shared care 50/50 or would he be an every other weekend with midweek dinner sort of dad?

I do feel for you, it’s desperately sad to reach this point & feel so unhappy. Do you still love your partner, would the relationship drastically improve if he agrees to this second child or would separation be likely in the future even if you expanded the family?

Personally at 38 I’d work on the assumption that if you leave you won’t be having another child, so the question then is would you be happier staying and not having another child, or being single and not having another child.

Only you know the answer to that.

I do think though you have to find a way to move past the new baby thoughts.

I feel staying in this relationship is keeping my fixated on it. Every time I look at him I just see the person who is making me miserable and could easily fix it. It’s went on so many years now I don’t even know if we can be fixed. I feel like I will be rolling over in bed at 80 and holding it against him.

I think you need therapy, it's a mad overrraction for a second child.

Can you not pour all your energy into the child you have?

It is so easy to fixate on what we want, it is a real challenge to turn that round and look at what we do have.

If you resent your husband you will likely never feel differently and the relationship is dead in the water.

Aside from another child, what do you want?

OP gently you are catastrophising your reaction. It may not be easily fixed. You say you think you are well past it but then blame your hubby for an easy fix - it may take you months or years or not at all.

He isn’t making you miserable. The way you feel about it is making you miserable. A baby doesnt fix anything and I think this ‘whole’ may not be fixed by a baby.

You need to speak to a therapist about accepting your position and letting it go. If you were going to do anything and said this has been going on for years rhe decision is gone and you are angry for not leaving sooner to have a baby with someone else and projecting this on your husband.