Partner Gaslights me

[BluePonyClub]

We've been together 10 years and for about 6 months I've started to really see the gaslighting. It's text book phrases that have just worn me down slowly.

I never said that
You're crazy
Its just your period
It's because you have PPD
This conversation is bizarre to me
Don't call me when I'm doing my thing and justifying by saying he would leave me in peace
Interrupting when I speak and when I take back control he walks away saying I "never listen"

These are some things he said which is routine for him depending on his mood really. I confronted him yesterday because it's getting too much. If he says something to upset me and I express it he just responds I'm sorry you feel that way or I'm sorry but you were hard work last week. Then says he never said that. At this stage my confidence and self esteem is struggling and our trust along with my nervous system. He said if that's what I think he's doing he really does not realise it and it's never his intent to make me feel that way but I can't be sure now. I'm heartbroken for our family. I asked him to leave if he loved me because I can't make him leave it's difficult without a full on argument in front of the girls but also we will struggle without him.

If he genuinely doesn't realise that's what he does then okay but this isn't something he can fix in himself is it?

Now you see it, you can't unsee it. He won't change. He likes treating you like this.
I would be planning to leave. Quietly.

He does know what he's doing, and he does realise the damage it causes. Why he does it doesn't really matter here, what matters is that this is psychologically tormenting you and will affect your girls in the long term.

I don't know which part of the world you are in but I would suggest speaking with Women's Aid or an equivalent.

There is literally no point confronting a gaslighting abuser. They will never hold their hands up and say 'my bad, I'll change'. What were you hoping to achieve by doing this? Please make some space to think about yourself and what you want, need and deserve. This is who he is and you can see him clearly now.

Contact Women's Aid or your local DA centre (should be listed on your council's website).

Contact your GP for other support such as antidepressants, counselling or signposted to other services. See if your surgery has social prescribers as they can offer support in more practical ways sometimes.

Make quiet plans to leave unless you are unmarried and it's your house then kick him out instead.

Contact Citizens Advice for money/benefits advice.

Never believe a liar that they will change, they won't.

OP, you suggest that he genuinely doesn't realise what he's doing. Consider whether he does this same gaslighting behaviour to his work colleagues or friends (or other family)? I suspect that he doesn't, in which case (1) he knows he is doing it to you, (2) it is deliberate, and (3) he can control it but chooses not to.

You may find reading 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans helpful.

Of course you are worn down. Please seek some support in making decisions going forward.

The only point of a partner is to make your life happier. He literally does the opposite. Not only that, but he's making you feel crazy and damaging your own self esteem and self love.

Don't fixate on the what if, just get out of there. He doesn't bring you joy anymore and he's stealing your peace.

Don't get stuck on the merry go round he wants you stuck on of trying to find the words to explain to him what his behaviour is doing to you. He KNOWS. It's intentional!
He wants you trapped spinning in circles. Step off the merry go round and choose your own piace. Love yourself.

Take a quiet moment and reiterate your own boundaries to YOURSELF. "I deserve happiness", "If people don't treat me with respect and care I have every right to completely remove them from my life. I do not owe them explanations. I do not owe them more chances". "I am the driver of my own life and I decide who journeys with me and who needs to get off the bus". Etc.

These comments have made my stomach drop.. like it's all really happening.

I know its scary and hard op but if it helps, nothing prepared you for the unbridled joy that kicks in when you realise you no longer have to wake up dreading each day, scared that he's going to make you feel like a failure or weak or crazy or bad or wrong.

When you can go down and make yourself a cuppa in the morning and stand in the sunshine and sing to yourself and not worry about judgement. Where you don't have to second guess your every move because he might 'misinterpret it' s or use it to shame you. When your space is your own, and it's safe and warm and happy.

And yes there are sad times and tough times and in the beginning, often a sense of stepping off a rollercoaster but now not knowing your arse from your elbow - because there's no framework for the highs and low anymore.

But these things pass.
And peace and clarity and joy seep back in.
And you rediscover your own voice instead of just his in your head all day. You find the voice that tells you you are good and worthy and deserve happiness.

But you need to be your own defender. You need to protect yourself from cruel people who mean you harm. And you need to recognise that you don't owe people like that anything. But you do owe yourself a safe, kind, loving environment but in your surroundings and with how you treat yourself.

Good luck op. Leaving what we know is tough sometimes. But living in misery forever and repeating the cycle will only destroy you, never change for the better. And you do deserve better. Believe it, and get free.

And if you have kids, lead by example and show them we do not tolerate abuse. We leave abusers. We surround ourselves with kindness, love and compassion.