Help me understand this argument with DH about our sick baby

[notaurewhatusername]

I’m trying to understand an argument my husband and I had this morning and would appreciate some outside perspective.

We have a 9-month-old and his mother usually looks after the baby during the day. We work for ourselves, though my workload is admittedly much lighter and more flexible than his.

Last night our baby had a temperature and I was up with him from 2am to 5am. At 6:45am I gave the baby to my husband and went back to bed, telling him to let his mother know about the temperature and make the decision whether to send the baby or not.

I woke at 9am and my husband told me his mother is also sick so can’t have the baby. There was no discussion over who stays home in these circumstances. It’s an unwritten rule it’s always me due to having the lighter workload and more flexibility. Though this particular morning, I had a doctor’s appointment at 10am so I asked if he could stay home with the baby until after my appointment, which would be about an hour. He said no his day is too busy. I then asked if he could watch the baby while I quickly shower so I’m not late for my appointment. He said “why can’t you just have a shower, why does everything have to be made easy for you?”

He said he has a very busy day at work and I’m not being supportive of how stressful his workload is. He’d already had the baby for about two hours at this point, though the baby was sleeping for most of it.

He suggested bringing the baby into work for an hour or two for someone there to watch him. I pointed out that no one wants to be around a baby with a temperature.

I said it’s fine, I’ll sort everything and he should just go to work but come home early Friday afternoon so I can go to the gym, since he often finishes early on Fridays anyway. This also made him angry and he said I have nothing important to do.

Some additional context: he can be flexible with work when it suits him. He often comes home for a nap then works later, or takes afternoons off for activities. When I’ve pointed this out before, he says he naps so he can work a full day when he gets home, though it’s usually only another hour or two of work. We also often argue when I suggest not taking the baby to his mother even when the baby is sick, so I tend to leave these decisions to him to avoid conflict.

I don’t understand why this escalated the way it did. Can anyone help me make sense of this?

I’ve had 3 babies.

I really do get it. But I think you getting at him about the gym muddied the waters.

if I was you, I’d be looking to go back to work full time once you can and then he will have to pull his weight.

So I’m a single mother and I have to juggle baby and showering and eating (occasionally, when I can!) and getting to appointments, and cancel work when she’s sick, and only get to exercise when she’s in paid childcare, so I can say yes, technically you can make all those things work (as you did)… but I’m a single mother. By choice. If I had a partner I would expect my life to be easier. Your life sounds the same as mine despite your partner. That seems problematic.

One of the things I particularly wish for occasionally is someone to hold the baby while I take a 5min shower by myself. It would make all the difference to my day and wellbeing. That he wouldn’t do that is honestly shit. And I don’t see why he couldn’t have fed your child breakfast during the 2 hours he was up with him.

I had to go to Dr appointments for myself with my child.
Why couldnt you have done this?

the thing is, that if he had the baby while you went ot doctors, he could not have gone to work until 11 which is pretty late, the morning is pretty much gone.
He was still at home at 9 am, which is also pretty late for him to leave for work.

The baby is sick. Can't use childcare.
Somebody has to take a day off to look after the baby.
The conversation needs ot be had - who is taking that day?
The other one has to go to work, to a full day's work. Not starting at 11, etc.

While it is demoralising and frustrating having to cancel your plans for the sick baby, it is not unreasonable that only one person at a time does, the other one has the baby, not both of you effectively looking after the baby.

I think this is part of a bigger conversation about who takes time off when the baby is sick, should it always be you?
You are feeling under valued and that your needs don't matter. That is part of a bigger conversation about priorities, but I am not sure this mornign was a good example.

In all fairness when you went to sleep, you knew the baby was poorly. Surely you considered there's a chance grandma would have said no to childcare due to this/ knew that baby would need one of you guys. Communication should have been a bit better on your end imo,

"if baby isn't going to your mum's can you wake me up at 8:30 so I have time to sort things before I go Drs? "

"For breakfast maybe make him a weetabix with warm milk to help get him some sugar as he's been ill all night"

Would have communicated what you wanted/needed quite easily.

Jesus on mumsnet men must never be inconvenienced! And when a child is sick it is only the mother who should cancel her hibby or healthcare meeting. G-d forbid a man be inconvenienced!

But why not tell him all this?

See that is the real issue rather than that he didn't have the baby while you showered or went to the doctors. You feel like you don't matter, and I totally understand that! I feel like no matter what i do my family and friends don't value it. You're always the one who has to be inconvenienced and you always pick up the slack!

Over the years I've been made to feel like staying home with your child isn't enough, part time work is seen as less than full time work, flexible work is seen as less than part time work. Unless you work monday to friday 9-5 in an office it isn't seen as proper work by my family!

@ThatMintMemberyou hit the nail on the head. I agree I think this is the real problem

Children are ill and you do just need to deal with it. My work can be flexible and I can do things during the day but other times I have meetings I can’t get out of and there isn’t any flexibility. I’m the default carer and only if my work is non negotiable (or I am also ill) on that particular day does my DH step in.

Sometimes that’s just the reality.