Friends and family think I live in a cycle of abuse. I struggle with the word and can’t accept it but I do trust them at the same time. Help!

[Tothemoonandbackdownagain]

Hi guys, I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience?
I’m currently separated from my partner of 16 years ( for 3 weeks ) We have two children (2 and 6). I have taken full responsibility of looking after them and he is helping on weekends and after school x 1/2 days. With advice from friends and family , I have asked him Not to see me or enter our family home. The reason being because they believe he manipulate me and I will take him straight back and enter the cycle again.
I don’t like the word abuse. But I have been increasingly anxious (certainly for 6 years) and have been living in an eggshells environment. No physical abuse (unless you count sexual pressure ) but essentially psychological, financial , controlling, coercive.
i do speak to an (abuse charity) counsellor (weekly since September) and have had moments of clarity. However, although I have these I have always thought it’s the way I have spoken about him to others and therefore my perception. She believes I have been in the “fawn”stage of fight and flight. Thing is when I see him I don’t believe or others and whej we talk he says he wants to change . He has been so much better in terms of all the controlling stuff and pressure and does spend more time with children. But my friends are particularly concerned and have a WhatsApp group eith my mum about how they play it with me (not too much pressure because I back travk but not entirely sure what they talk about) and i find it all very hard to accept and feel bad for them that they are worrying about me at all.
he broke up with me in a weekend of anger and firuatation about living with kids. I felt relieved and grateful and went along with it . In the past I have gone straight back to him and have also tried breakups before but with him at home I can’t stick to it.
At this moment in time, I can only think of the good things we have and had. Is this because the abuse claims are wrong or should I listen to my friends and family? At the moment, I am sticking with th plan to keep him seperate from me but I do feel very weak and don’t believe it properly at all. Is this because I am still In cycle? Has anyone ever experienced this? I believe he can change but for instance, if I tell my sister this, she gets quite upset and says she feels very drained now as it has been years of me saying this. Should I stick with it? I know it’s my unique situation but is this classic? I do value my counselling but I feel like I need more validation as I’m so confused. One thing I am doing is listening to tjr present moment and what I do know is I don’t feel anxious and at peace now that he’s not here. But I do feel sad and confused. Thanks for reading this .

Abuse makes us feel confused.
Big hugs xx have you tried the freedom program or the book? They helped give me clarity.

Thank you x I have not heard of freedom program. Ill have a look xx

OP I’m not sure anyone on this forum will tell you anything you haven’t already heard.

So you have 2 people in your life on opposite sides..
Your on /off ex and your dsis..
Ask yourself who has had your back consistently your whole life.....
That's who to trust...
*clue.... It isn't him.

Hi yes maybe you’re right x I’m a swirly vortex of confusion. Looking for anyone to tell me it’s all not real and things will go back to normal.
I will just stick with the plan to keep distance and continue with counselling,

Look up trauma bonding and please listen to your friends xxx

you're in the attachment withdrawal phase, your body and brain is literally addicted to the dopamine hit of feeling n chosen and wanted and the withdrawal is physical which is why it feels so hard. Your brain tries to trick you into going back to get a fix of the ‘drug’ and so it raises the volume on the self doubt and brings any little snippet of a good moment to your attention, completely wiping your memory of all the shit and how worthless and miserable he made you feel. You just have to tell yourself you felt relief at the time for a reason. That is your true emotional state. Relief. It’s just now being consumed by the withdrawal symptoms so you’ve lost the feel of it for now but it will return. First in short moments and later in longer more peaceful stretches. Good luck and stay strong.

Change is always hard.

But. If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got.

Your friends and family sound very caring and supportive of you. Trust them, they can see what is real whereas you are too emotionally invested to see him for what he is ( abusive!).

But when was the last time it was "normal"? When you met? That was 16 years ago and things didn't "go back to normal" in all this time. The sexual pressure, financial abuse, coercion is his version of normal.
You say you only remember good bits. So what about sexual pressure, financial abuse and coercion. Do you not remember any of it? If so, who is telling you it took place?
Your post clearly shows your confusion. A good way to deal with that is, alongside counselling, to allow time of no contact. Six months should do it. You'll see things much more clearly at the point and will be in a better position to make a decision.

Change is hard and you naturally feel attached to him because you want it to work out but it will not.

You must stay separate from this man he will not change. You must be strong and you are lucky to have family to help you.

Maybe you should spend time reading old threads on this relationship board, and consider what other women have experienced that you would see as abusive. Or read the threads where people talk about their great partners whom they trust, can raise any issue with, get support from. And see how he measures up. It’s great you know you are confused and are questioning your perception of him. Just keep going as you are, you’re doing great.

Well done for asking him to leave OP and keep on listening to your friends and family as they have your true interests at heart. If you feel you are weakening speak to one of them for extra validation that you are doing the right thing. You are going through the hard part now as you will experience withdrawal symptoms but stay strong, keep up with your counselling and prioritise friends and family support.

Would you want your children to have this kind of relationship?

No! So get out of it NOW so they don't grow up thinking it's normal.

And tell yourself what you would tell them.

Don't believe him when he says he will change - he won't. Don't minimise the eggshells - adult relationships are not supposed to be like that.

Hi everyone thank you so so much for your comments and feedback. I find it really helpful. It’s amazingly powerful the feeling of withdrawal as described above
thank you x