How to cope with a life of being mostly alone

[ThePurpleJellyfish]

Separated from DH and I’m building a new life for myself. Life feels very quiet now, just me and DS who’s non verbal. I’ve got an older DS who I see occasionally. I’m still adjusting to my new life and trying not to get swallowed up by grief. I’m buying nice things for my house and taking comfort in books, tea and nice food but these are no substitute for adult company and support. My days stretch out where it’s just me pottering around or me talking to DS and narrating my day to him.

Over the Christmas holidays I almost went loopy as it was just me and DS for 8 days on our own. My marriage ended for good reasons but I miss my husband walking through the door and us chatting about our day and about the children. I miss seeing both of my children interacting together and being together (that’s a whole other thread) Nothing prepared me for how isolated I would feel and how quiet my life would become. I enjoy my own company but not this much!

I love my house and have made it a sanctuary but I miss family life and the hussle and bussle of everyone coming and going/cooking for everyone and watching films and chatting about our days. I’m grieving terribly for my old life and struggling to adjust to my new life and how brutally lonely it feels now.

Thanks for reading so far.

I'm so sorry you feel isolated OP and can see how quiet things might seem. You've been through a really hard time and such an upheaval. You sound to me like a really strong, thoughtful person who is putting her all into making a new life and a warm loving home.

Do you have wider family or old friends you can connect with?

How old is your DS?
it sounds incredibly tough. Do you have friendships that you keep up with? Could you take up a new hobby? Or a friend you could go walking with? Or maybe a walking or book group? Even a few outings a week could make a huge difference.

This is all good advice. Local SEN support group could be a lifeline. Does ex do his share of parenting and you get a break?

I know it might not be possible but my dogs saved me when I got divorced. Currently have 3 snoozing in front of the fire.

When my ex life my Labrador came in my bed (slept on outside of duvet) and I slept through the night for the first time in years.

This might be a really, really crap idea/something you'd never consider/absolutely wrong for you now.....but would welcoming a dog into your home be a good idea?

They bring such life, happiness and energy into a home, could be a joyful friend for your dear son, be a good reason to get out and about and meet people. It sounds as though you are the sort of caring, home loving, pottering about person who could give a dog a wonderful life.

As I say, might be a terrible idea. Perhaps a cat? I'll shut up now.

@Declutteringhopeful Two minds with but one thought here.

I think without knowing more regarding your circumstances it is difficult to advise. I would, if possible,get a part-time job or volunteer twice a week to get some adult interaction. Additionally perhaps as a previous post mentioned conecting with some group that both you and you son could be involved with. I agree being happy with your own company is great but having options to do otherwise is better.
Interested to see what others suggest.

Thank you. I’m an introvert so I need alone time but there’s such a thing as too much alone time which makes me go loopy and I feel myself descending into a pit of grief!

I have a part time job which I enjoy (thank god!) It’s a lifeline these days and when I’m in work my ex has DS. It’s the days in between and the coming home to a cold dark house that’s hard to deal with, compared to coming back to a cup of tea made for me and DH to chat to.

Ex works long hours but I’d always have that structure to the day, I’d hear him leave in the morning and he would always be home at the same time. Now it’s very different and so quiet.

We do go to a few activities related to my son’s disability which is nice, it’s not always easy to connect with other parents as my son has to be watched constantly!

I have a few friends that I can meet for coffees once a month or so but it’s just the day to day loneliness that’s hard to deal with.

I don’t know where you live but I’m putting this here if I’m allowed to it’s a group called nothing special they are in the SW.

They have scaled back activities but when my ND were younger we went out with the group for farm visits, lush workshops, paddle boarding to the beach etc run very very cheap and it was a lifeline because everyone else there is ND. When your child is Non verbal or struggles or has a meltdown or won’t get off the paddle board everyone you are with bloody ‘got it’ no judgements and the kids all pretty much rubbed along happily. It was a lifeline so look for a group you can drop in and out of where others get it. It won’t add my image I’ll try again tomorrow but it’s a Facebook group called Nothing Special it’s free and run for the parents of SEN kids

Just messaging for support. My ex was abusive and I wouldn't live with them again, but I understand what you mean about missing the day to day contact of living with someone.

For me though, I think it is a grass is always greener on the other side thing, because I missed having the place to myself a lot when I was with my ex (but maybe because he was a twat 🤔).

Here’s the group or try your local SEN groups

Small things but get a time switch (very cheap) so you don’t come home to a dark house. I have one on a lamp so it gives a nice ambient glow that I see when I drive up to the house.

Also I have a small Robert’s radio in my hallway that I put on to fill my house with sound as I potter between different rooms and it also looks cool.

Thank you ☺️

Thank you ☺️ I’ll look into both of those!

My suggestion is just a stop gap.

I too have divorced and live alone.

its very difficult this time of year especially, to actually set up meets with friends. However, I’ve started having actual telephone chats with friends. Like we did in the old days. It can really buzz me up having a good chat and it seems easier to carve some time out for a chat over the phone.

Make your lounge and bedroom proper cozy, nice blankets, heated throw, fairy lights etc

Thanks ☺️ I’ve made my bedroom a sanctuary with fairy lights, I have a kettle 😆 so I can make a cup of tea as soon as I wake up, I have lovely bedding and it has an en-suite. I LOVE my bedroom 💕

Nice 👌that sounds perfect. Making tea in your own bedroom sounds very very cosy. What hobbies or interests do you enjoy?
Tai chi has changed my life and allowed me to slow down, as has my allotment both give me fresh air - tai chi I make an effort to introduce myself to a new person each week and remember their name. The allotment gives me fresh air and sense of achievement.

have you got a garden? Can you grow seeds? Learn Duolingo? Pilates? Do you like reading an online book club? https://bookclubs.com/join-a-book-club/online
My friend swears by Pilates https://pilateslive.co.uk/

Oh gosh yes, wonderful advice. Background noise from the radio is great with a quiet house and fairy lights on the timers so you come home to lights!

Watching/listening to live tv and radio can be helpful, just listening to songs on eg Spotify or podcasts, or catching up with tv can feel quite anonymous, but when it’s live there’s an element of ‘other people are watching/listening with me.

Small light on a timer in the hallway.

Agree, radio on all day (can be on a timer too if digital) is a nice background.

Make a list of places to go and be with people, it can include this or that supermarket, libraries, local wherever. Bonus points if you need ‘help’ finding the olives or a specific book.

Very small things but the effect accumulates.

Another vote for a radio on before you get home, after my Mam died my Father was advised by a friend who had also lost his wife to turn the radio on before he left the house so he wouldn't come home to silence, I've seen him pass the same advise on in the years since.

Going to the same market stall on a market, going to the same cafe, going to the library, going to church....you will be astonished how many people will get to know you or at least know of you when you do such things

How old is your son? Do you get support for him through social services so that you can have a break where you can get out to meet a friend or go to a group?
If you think its suitable for you I would also recommend a pet, we have a cat currently and she is hilarious and entertaining and I am always chatting to her (she isn't always that bothered though!) And we have previously had dogs, its very sociable owning a dog but also lovely to sit and cuddle up with them on the sofa, they are good company.