Sorry this is a long one. I just can't work out what to do. I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. We're both separated from our ex partners. We have 2 children from past relationships. His son has severe special needs and his other son has severe ADHD. I have 2 young children as well. When we met he moved very quickly, he asked me to move in with him very quickly and I did. We got pregnant by accident. We were going to keep the baby but I just couldn't do it, it was too soon and we already had 4 children . As time went on, I questioned our relationship because I really disliked how he parented his son. Often shouting at him unnecessarily and creating a horrible environment. I decided to have a termination because I just couldn't do it and it felt too soon. He was very unsupportive and didn’t support my decision. He was cruel to me during that time.
I went on a Christmas party night out with work. Someone had touched me inappropriately and I told him that. He told me I should come home. The guy just went home so I decided I wanted to stay and enjoy myself. He then sent me several awful messages telling me to get home now, he called me repeatedly and wouldn’t stop. I think one read get f home now.
He proposed to me early on. Although it was exciting I had this bad feeling the whole time. I didn’t really feel comfortable with it but I didn’t communicate what I wanted. My divorce hadn’t gone through yet and I was still getting over that.
He became obsessed with my previous relationships. Some were just for fun after my breakup. He couldn’t come to terms with it and made me feel so ashamed for what I’d done. I didn’t do anything crazy, I was newly single and wanted to have some fun.
I found that he often ignored my sexual boundaries. If I asked him not to do something he still tried it.
I made it really clear I didn’t want a baby right now, maybe in the future. When we were having sex, I told him to make sure he pulled out a few times during but he didn’t. I forgave him for this because he said he had no intention of getting me pregnant but he’d not listened to me. I then got pregnant.
He liked to have my location switched on my phone and was very weird when I wanted to turn it off. His parenting of his sons continued to trouble me, I often feel the need to protect them from him. Not physically but he is so harsh to them.
We lost the baby at 12 weeks and I was devastated. I did feel a sense of relief though because of how unstable our relationship was and I feel awful for that. I felt awful for most of the pregnancy. I suffer with HG severely, I lose ability to walk. The desire for the baby just wasn’t there, I think mostly because of my relationship.
After the loss of the baby he was awful. Everything was centred around his grief. He was angry because I left the house briefly to see my best friend (there was very reasonable circumstances) We were due to go on holiday the next day. He was unsupportive getting ready and in the airport, he criticised what I was wearing heavily until I got changed. He put his headphones in to block out all of the noise and left me to deal with the children. This was all while I was dealing with the fallout of losing with the baby (phsycially and emotionally) When we were there, he got really drunk one day. I was near the pool in a bikini and ran to grab my daughter who’d ran off. He walked towards me and shouted at me what the hell was I doing in a bikini outside the pool area. We eventually talked about it and he was horrible. He said I thought I was perfect amongst other awful things. I was crying in front of my children and I kept asking him to just stop.
His behaviour was awful on the holiday and he kept withdrawing from me constantly, he said due to grief but I felt abandoned.
Over time since then, he has had issues whenever I wear sports leggings. I go to the gym regularly which he had told me he dislikes. He doesn’t understand why I enjoy it. He’s said he doesn’t like other men looking at me in tight clothing. I once wore a semi low cut dress for a day out together and he said ‘Is that what you’re wearing’. He always says that when he doesn’t like it or it’s not appropriate for him. I said I’d grab a safety pin when we were out (I had no intention to) but he drove me to a shop, went inside himself and gave me one. I felt so ashamed. Everytime I wear leggings he does this and makes comments or withdraws from me.
When we argue, he turns everything personal. Often saying things like ‘you don’t consider anyone else’ when in reality, I care far too much about others all of the time. He can’t cope with change of plans. I feel like I can’t tell him I’m doing anything last minute and have cancelled plans because I don’t want to upset him.
I got pregnant again recently. I’d been saying I didn’t want a baby but he’d been talking about it a lot. I said from the start I wasn’t sure I wanted the baby, my reasons remained the same. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want it and things just got worse as time went on. He’d said things like, I don’t understand how you could have a termination and end a life. He left the ‘memory box’ we had for our lost baby on display, which added so much pressure to me. His language worsened and he’d say things like, you’re going to kill our baby. Whenever we’d talk about it he’d withdraw from me and made me feel like I was being punished. When I finally made the decision (I gave it a lot of time) I knew I really wanted the baby but it just wasn’t physically possible in our situation, it was heart breaking.
I told him my decision as gently as I could. From that point his behaviour worsened. He continued to say things like I was going to kill our baby. He withdrew all care for me even though I still had HG and was looking after the children. He told me he'd never give me more children if I went through with it. He said he couldn’t be there when I went through it, leaving me alone with this incredibly painful decision.
On the morning of the termination, he returned home from work and asked if the baby was dead. He shouted at me and asked again. I was so frightened of him. He then stared at me for a long time and said nothing. I asked him to stop. I was in so much pain. I told him I was in a lot of pain and he said that was my fault. He repeatedly said I had killed the baby. At one point he put his head on my stomach and spoke to the baby. I tried to shut this out but I think he said he was sorry for what had happened.
I’d originally said I wouldn’t tell anyone else because I felt so ashamed. I did tell my brother because I’d no one else to support me. He was annoyed at this and said our conversations meant nothing. I screamed at him at this point and tried to leave.
I was terrified of him seeing any blood on the floor or in the bathroom and made sure I cleaned it up, despite being in horrific pain.
He completely withdrew care for me from that point. The next day he told me I should be fighting for our relationship because of what I’d done to him.
I left at that point and went to my parents. He’s since taken full accountability for what he’s done, he blames being overwhelmed and grief. He’s going through therapy and has promised to work through everything. I’ve moved back home because of the stability for the children.
I just cant feel like I can leave him. Is what he did justifiable? I feel so much heartache for not being able to keep the baby I just want comfort but I don’t know what to do.