Don’t know what to do

[Anonymous1122]

Hi, I will try and make this as quick as I can so here it goes.

been with my partner for nearly 7 years we have a daughter (5) together, my partner has a history of drinking as a result of depression and it then turned into a habit/addiction, in 2021 it got to much for me he was aggressive and abusive and I kicked him out.
he was drunk one night and he drove and ended up having an accident and he got arrested and went to prison for 4 years. I stuck by him and supported him for the whole 4 years now he’s out had been for 5 months and he lives with me on an alcohol tag.
Heres the thing, I don’t feel the same anymore I feel like I am trapped living on tender hooks all the time and to be honest, he isn’t violent although I think he could be, he’s got a filthy temper to be honest he’s a classic narcissist and nothing is ever his fault he’s actually a horrible little man. I am 90% sure I want to split but I can’t confront him I’m scared or intimidated I don’t know but either way I don’t want to talk about it I just want him to leave.
hes got no job and no money, his parents live in London and I know he doesn’t want to go there I feel tied to him. And if I get him removed he will probably be sent to prison again.
our daughter doesnt care if he’s there or not she never goes to him she dont like him even speaking and my 2 adult children that live with me hate him they dont want him here either.
so what do i do, his alcohol tag comes off in 2/3 weeks so no doubt the drinking will start again although he said he will only have a couple. I don’t drink at all and I can see he has been trying to change but to much water is under the bridge now with everything from past and I want to feel free.
I hate this feeling of being trapped and tied down and caged it’s abuse I know that but he actually doesn’t do anything it’s just how I feel because of the past.
so do I leave for the day with him none the wiser and message him to leave or do I have it out with him first so it’s not a shock and if he refuses to leave call the police and get him removed. Really it’s his fault if he ends up back in prison cos he was asked to leave.

I think you will have to decide how safe you feel informing him he needs to leave face to face. Do you have anyone who can come an support you?
Other than that, yes. Not your problem if he ends up back in prison. Call the police if he refuses to go.

How do you have a daughter of 5 if you been together 7 years and 4 of those he was in prison? And 4 years for drunk driving is massive so clearly a very very bad incident and you think he will go back to drinking again after.. scummy.. get rid

Does he ever go out? If so don't let him back in. Pack his stuff up and leave it outside.
If he kicks off call the police.

our Daughter was 1 when he went away and yes very serious. Thank you for your reply

He doesn’t go out without me as he don’t drive and don’t have mates or family around here

TBH I'd speak to a DV organisation who will help you make a proper plan. Leaving is risky - telling them, actually getting them out, what he may do afterwards when drunk - you need a plan of action and 'actions on this event happening' type plan.

I wouldn't tell him face to face to leave - get a pro to help you work out the best idea and then with her help, end the relationship, maybe get a non-mol if necessary - get your school to help, get the child contact courts to help - he can end up with a contact order that is safe, which he may not even stick to, and he may be court ordered not to contact you directly and so on.

You have changed and this sounds like an unpleasant, dangerous type to have living with you.

Meanwhile, while you live with him - be very careful not to antagonise him - know that he cannot be trusted and give him a wide berth as far as possible - make your plans behind his back, execute them safely and minimise contact as creatively as you can.

Well done - you know the score - keep safe, get out, and find a better man next time.

X

OP please get in touch with Women's Aid and make a plan to get him to leave safely. Don't put yourself at risk by confronting him without a plan. You definitely need to get him out of your house.

Take him out for a drive somewhere rural then tell him you think you hit something. When he gets out to check, lock the doors and drive home. Change your locks ASAP. Have the locksmith prearranged. Put his shit on the doorstep.

I imagine you were the soft touch to agree to accepting him?
You really need to work on your boundaries
He needs to find a place of his own and advise his worker of this, that it's just not working for you.
You need to put your boundaries into place.

I think this is dangerous advice, given he might be abusive (the OP says he might be violent) when he realises what has happened to him. He will just be provoked further and there is a young child at home.

OP, speak to Women's Aid who will help you put a plan in place. I wouldn't tell him until I had spoken to them and knew that I had support if things got difficult. For one, maybe your daughter could stay with a friend or family member when you finally tell him?

Well done for deciding to leave him.

He got out away for a long time so I am assuming somebody got hurt or killed in the accident?

you were amazing partner to stick with him for so long whilst he is clearly an abusive partner.

I spoke to Womens Aid a couple fo weeks ago and they were really brilliant. I cant recommend them enough. my situation is nowhere near as bad as yours at all.

please get help and keep your little one and you safe

I have never heard of an alcohol tag , shows you learn something every day , I just had to google it and wow that’s mad.

I’ve been in a relationship with someone who had a problem with alcohol and it will of course never be “just a couple” and you know that too.

I don’t think anyone on here can tell you anything that you don’t know already and already feel for yourself . It’s just making the step and putting yourself and your child first coz he’s not thinking of either of you . You can do this . Just pull up those big girl pants and reach out for support. Once he’s gone youl probably feel so free. Good luck