Am I paranoid for nothing?

[cris1085]

Excuse the long winded text but I need to know if it’s just me. My partner and I have been together nearly two years and are soon moving in together. We were both previously married and she was single for six years before meeting me. Her ex cheated on her and verbally abused her, resulting in her not valuing herself and feeling insecure about life in general. Up until about 4 months ago she was still wearing her engagement ring and eternity ring from him, she also has a ring he gave her for her 30th birthday. I had told her I felt uncomfortable with her wearing the and she put them in boxes but I think she really would like to wear them. She said they are not sentimental but she likes them. I have tried to be as open as possible, she has a key to my house, access to my whole
life, my mobile phone code etc, anything to help her feel safe and secure. I have no key for her house, she has a camera in her office that records if anyone goes in, well I’m the only person who would be in her house and don’t go in her office but it still leaves me uncomfortable like she doesn’t trust me. .she also has lots of pics of her ex on her phone from family holidays etc lots of him topless. She said she isn’t attracted to him and there is no residual feelings. I told her I was a little uncomfortable with these things and she told me I would t be going in office anyway so it didn’t matter and said that there is no sexual link to the photos. I asked wouldn’t she just delete the topless ones but she alluded that I was controlling her. I know she had a horrible last few years in her marriage, her ex was cruel and controlled and said horrible things to her making her insecure and probably reliant on him. I just want to make her feel happy and secure. When I first met her she still went to her ex for advice on things, had his name on her car insurance etc. he had an affair and she blames herself. She assures me she doesn’t love him and I’m her sole mate. She’s admitted she has trust issues but trusts me, but clearly not completely. I just want her to be happy and secure. I sometimes wonder if she hasn’t let go of her ex completely, she won’t talk much about her past and I’m not going to push her. She’s not much of a talker, and if I push it she just leaves and goes home. She’s gets very upset if he is mentioned. I’m not sure what to do. Opinions please is it just me being paranoid.

If you want a healthy relationship, you have to let go of her past, no one knows for sure what she thinks but she’s made a decision to be with you, she doesn’t want to keep talking about him which is a good sign - she’s moved on
It is controlling to pressure about photos, why would you need a key if you don’t live there, cameras, she obviously feels unsettled being alone, it’s up to her to have them to feel safe, maybe she’s worried her ex could turn up unexpectedly or break in. After years of her being controlled by her ex, the best thing you can do is not control her and criticise everything she does.

I agree with the pp.

You're the one who is being insecure here op.

Everyone has a past, why should she delete her photos and memories?

Either accept her as she is or move on, as you're trying to force her to do things your way, which is being controlling because of your insecurities.

Stop comparing her past to now and live in the present. If you cannot then leave her alone.

she won’t talk much about her past and I’m not going to push her. She’s not much of a talker, and if I push it she just leaves and goes home. She’s gets very upset if he is mentioned.

This might just be me, but there being a subject (short of genuine trauma response) that we couldn't openly talk about - whatever it is - would make the relationship a no-go.

Not anyone's fault but just closing up and not being able to talk means communication isn't going to be a priority. And communication is essential in a relationship.

It's a tricky one as I can see both points of view. In the nicest possible way, when you start dating someone with this sort of trauma and background, you are setting yourself up for an incredibly difficult task. You clearly feel insecure but that's your thing to deal with. Your partner probably shouldn't be saddled with managing your emotions much as it's unfair for her to expect you to manage hers.
Assuming nothing will ever change, are you happy to continue with this? If not, then I would reconsider whether this relationship is right for you.

She is protecting herself as best she can and you need to accept her boundaries. Dont try to get her to speak about the past, she will do so when she's ready. Also accept she needs privacy, security and autonomy so stop pressuring her about her old photos and about having a key to her home... Her home is her private space and her security and you need to respect that. If you keep pushing you may well drive her away.

I can’t tell you what’s going through her head as no-one here can possibly know, I can only say how I would feel about the same situation.

I don’t believe that it’s a red flag that she was wearing her rings. I wear my engagement ring (on the other hand) even though I’m going through a divorce because I love it. There’s zero sentimental attachment to it in terms of my ex; I was the one who wanted a divorce and I have no romantic or sexual feelings for him at all which was the problem!

Ditto photos. We’re grown ups who’ve had whole lives before meeting someone new - I’m not going through all my old photos and erasing him, that would feel childish IMO.

I honestly think these things are insecurity on your side and it would go a long way to think about this and apologise for pressuring her in that way. Let her wear her rings if she wants to.

The one area I would be concerned about is not wanting to discuss it - I’m the same as a PP that I’d be uncomfortable progressing with a long term relationship if there were topics that were “no go”. That being said I wonder about how you approach these conversations given your reaction to the rings and photos - is it a very pressuring conversation? A bit like an interrogation? Does the way you approach it make her feel like you’ll react badly if you misinterpret something she says?

If so, then I think you’ll find it’s your approach that’s the problem. You need to be really honest with yourself about how you’re approaching it and also what your agenda is…

If your agenda is that you are genuinely interested in what was an important part of her life, fine.

But it the agenda is that you have ‘suspicions’ and are trying to dig out evidence of feelings then she’ll sense that and clam up and rightly so TBH.

Thanks for all your input. I’ve clearly been wrong about this. I’ve felt like she was still living in the past and fixated with him. I maybe have become insecure, I’ve never been that type of person and don’t want to be. She openly admitted she hasn’t dealt with her past but I need to respect that

What a refreshing thread!
OP takes on board posters advice and admits they've been wrong.
Well done everyone.

It would be interesting to hear everyone's take on it if it were a man keeping topless photos of his ex on his phone and refusing to talk about it
I'm going against the grain here, but op, I wouldn't be happy about it at all!

You are not wrong for noticing the lack of reciprocity. This relationship is unequal in all sorts of ways. You’ve handed over access to your life including keys, passwords while not getting the same back.

The biggest red flag is her refusing to discuss things and leaving. She is not available in a way that’s needed for an equal relationship. I would not move in with someone who admits they’re not over their past and isnt much of a talker.

Im.a bit confused here, and would happily be corrected and informed, but OP says "Her ex cheated on her and verbally abused her, resulting in her not valuing herself and feeling insecure about life in general. Up until about 4 months ago she was still wearing her engagement ring and eternity ring from him, she also has a ring he gave her for her 30th birthday."

Being a bit dim here, but if someone abused you, why would you want keep these things, let alone wear them?

I understand everyone has a past, but surely by wearing/using these items, you are still living in it somewhat?

It's just jewellery. My mum was divorced from her first husband many years but she liked her wedding ring and kept it. She didn't wear it on that finger. She also like a bracelet and kept that too. Doesn't have to mean you can't let go of the ex.

If me and my partner split up, I wouldn't suddenly throw away all the jewellery he bought me. I really like the pieces, with or without him. 🤣🤣🤣

Oh its so true, everyone would be saying ditch him if he still as topless photos of his ex and rightly so thats very odd. I still have pics with my ex wife on Facebook that have the kids in them but after that why would I possibly want to keep other pics of her.

I totally agree. Also later in the OP, OP's GF was still going to the ex for advice etc. Why even be in contact with your abuser?

I would never have kept the abusive ex's photos on my phone. I also got rid of his photos, cards, letters, gifts.

I keep all these things from other exes. The end of a relationship with an abuser is different to an ordinary break-up. I think OP's GF is still trauma bonded to her abuser, because she never fully broke away until she'd been with OP for a while.

Be careful you aren't a 'sticking plaster' boyfriend, OP. The one to ease the hurt of actually breaking the trauma bond. She doesn't sound ready to be in a committed relationship.

Thats fair enough. Personally, I couldnt. Id sell it on 😂

Thanks for all the advice. I hope I’m not just a sticking plaster. It’s taken her a long time to recognise she was abused, she only just said it out loud the other night. But still wants to box it off and move on. I can only hope she’s over it

This thread actually made me go try on my old engagement ring. If I could get in on any other finger I’d still wear it, I mean it came out of the joint account so technically I paid for it and I chose it. Still love it but it won’t fit .

Wedding, engagement or eternity rings are not just jewellery though. They’re symbolic.

pretty sure a man who kept wearing a wedding ring (even on the other hand) would swiftly be called out for not being over his ex!