Does grief really block feelings?

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i have been with my partner for a year. We’re both in our 60s. In July he lost his daughter in tragic circumstances and his feelings towards me changed overnight. We were able to hug to stay close but all romance went. A few weeks later we found out he had throat cancer which has now been addressed and the prognosis is good.

However he has become very distant and tells me he is still grieving. He doesn’t want to go out to our usual places and has told me he cares so much but his romantic feelings have gone. He used to be so loving in his words but now they are cold. He doesn’t open up or talk anyway - he never has.

Do I just accept his feelings for me won’t come back and try to be friends? Or do I hope they will and just be patient? Or do
i walk away to stop this hurt? Is this due to grief or has he just moved on. I love him very much and only a few months go we both thought it was forever. I’m so
confused as it’s just very hard to know what is going on for him.

I’m so sorry OP, how awful for both of you. I think that grief can make you numb but you’re not an old lady and you deserve love that is romantic. If he isn’t willing to get help (therapy etc) then I think it would be kinder on yourself to walk away.

Grief can come in so many different forms! But eventually it will subside and something will take its place (you hopefully)

Yes, it sounds like he's shut down emotionally in response to overwhelming stress. He's had 2 of the most stressful life events that can happen in a very short time. Give him space.

It takes a while.

When my husband died, I became numb. I recall stating that I didn't feel anything for other people. I wasn't being callous - I was in a state of shock. It might be the same for your husband, @OP .

Grief can make you numb. Frozen in the time and place. Be patient with your DH and as understanding as you can be.
It is difficult for you both.

It's only been six months since his daughter died. It usually takes about two years for things to get back to some semblance of normality. This kind of grief does completely poleaxe you. Give him time to grieve and recover from the cancer. If you feel unable to do this, please let him down gently or you'll just be adding to the trauma.

I am so sorry for your loss. yes grief can block feelings and your dh is in early stages of grief for his daughter, July is very recent for loss of a child where love runs deep - grief is love that has lost its place to go.

Grief is different for everyone and each time it is different and can take a different amount of time to process, sometimes years.

Give him time and support and try not to take it personally. Perhaps have some grief counselling.

This is so helpful to read. He is my partner not my husband. I see him twice a week still but we only hug now. We have turned into friends and he doesn’t want me to stay with him anymore. We don’t even hold hands when we are out. Is it likely romantic feelings can come back? I am a widow and was so happy again for such a short time.

They can come back. From what I've seen with my own family, the loss of a child is the most difficult one to come back from. It affected a cousin and her husband, but they did come back from it.

I think if you’ve only been together a year and he’s had 2 life changing events that have happened to someone who, well, you don’t really know that well…. I’d be moving on to find someone where you can have more of an equal relationship or, just a bit of fun, isn’t that the point of a relationship, equal support or a bit of a laugh. I’ve supported my husband through losing his son, and through a nervous breakdown, but we’ve been together 20 years, I’m part of the family, I know his ex very well, his other kids. But all that nearly broke us.

I’m not sure what you are hoping to get from this.

Given grief can take 2-4 years to resolve (as an average, obviously it varies further), and you've only been with him a year, yes, it could be grief, but regardless, personally I would think your best interests lie in moving on from this now, as you have no guarantees and it would be a lot of time to waste of it didn't come back.

Grief can leave one feeling deeply bereft and flailing emotionally. Cancer can make one examine their life and take up huge amounts of emotional energy. Your partners timing has been particularly poor, unfortunately.

Your relationship might be just one thing too much. It’s probably worth a gentle conversation, at least.

Exactly. It’s dreadful that he’s had two life-changing bad things, one a horrible tragedy, happen in the course of your short relationship, but fundamentally, you haven’t been in one another’s life that long, certainly not long enough to cope, potentially for years, with a sexless, semi-friend relationship with an ill, grieving man, in the hope that he can possibly, eventually be up for the type of relationship you want again — especially in your sixties.

I’d wish him the best, and move on and find someone else. Stay in touch as friends if that’s not too difficult for you.

They might come back, but they may not. I can only imagine how hard losing a child must be, and I can't imagine he has much headspace he has for anything other than his grief and dealing with his health issues.

I'd advise taking a step back, if you feel able to be a friend and nothing else, with no guarantee of anything more, then by all means do that, but if you don't feel able to, then that's OK too.

One day, maybe you'll be able to give it another go, but thats not something you can reply on, or even hope for if you want to try to stay friends.

I would advise that he has counselling. Look for Talking Therapies in your area. It's a self referral request.
I imagine it's a, I lost her. I can't go on in life.
He's stuck...to your detriment.

Six months is so, so early after a loss as devastating as this, let alone having a cancer diagnosis to deal with. He’s barely at the point where bereavement counselling would even be recommended, as it’s not advised to start it in the immediate aftermath of a death.

I think if you really love him you will need a lot of patience and understanding, because none of this is likely to resolve quickly.

His child has died suddenly and July is a very recent loss - he is obviously pretty traumatised. The cancer on top equates to more than many people can cope with, particularly in succession. It sounds like he's had a terrible time.
His nervous system will most likely be in complete overload which leads to a person living in a survival mode.
This has all been explained to me after months of counselling after a (different from your partner's) but traumatic experience which left me barely functioning and still experiencing detachment from myself at times, and a feeling of floating through life, not being present and honestly, quite a changed person from who I usually am.
He probably needs some counselling, but it's very soon and he might not be ready to face that yet.
I think, kindly, that you need to be patient and understand that, right now, he is deeply affected and not operating as the same man he was this time last year. If you love him and want to continue the relationship, then talking to him, taking any pressure off and guiding him to help when he is ready is probably the best approach.
Wishing you both all the best.