Leaving, SEND, GCSEs

[lostmywayrightnow]

Have posted in the ND marriage thread but I actually think I may be done now with 'D'H. He won't communicate and I cannot cope any further with someone who cannot/will not talk to me. My issue is about asking him to leave even temporaily as I have a year 11 child with sig SEND who is attempting a school amount of GCSEs this year. It's so rocky (EHCP, home ed, provision), all of which I manage alongside a FT job. But, the impact om this DD (and my other) I seriously worry about. Even sitting any GCSEs is huge for her but I could scupper all of this (but acknowledge that this environment is hugely toxic for all). Has anyone else in this type of SEND situation encountered this at such a critical time?

I feel like I cannot do right for doing wrong if I am honest. I cannot talk to H since he is refusing ot communicate in all forms and behaving like a two year old.

Unless there is abuse I would probably try to muddle on in the same house until the GCSE’s are out the way to be honest.

Have the chat about separating but continue to live together until the GCSE’s are over to minimise disruption.

Ah thanks @Jellybunny56 , should have said that there will be three years of GCSEs. Two for DD year 11 now and then the following DD. So that is a LONG time. He is refusing to even talk to me on any platform (in person/whatsapp).

I’d also wait until current year exams are done - but then you have 2 years until next big exams (?) for younger DD which is plenty of time for everyone to readjust.

how bearable is it? Can you have your own bedroom and safe space?

if not I’d recommend ND informed marital counselling with the aim of getting him to move out but to stay close.

Either way need ND informed relationship counselling to navigate the next few years as this is not good for anyone.

staying in a toxic environment for ND kids could well place too much stress on them. Release that pressure by ending the marriage could actually be the best thing.

I would have some therapy for yourself the next few months. Get your ducks in a row. Work out strategies for copying with his emotional Dysregulation and make a plan to commence an emotional split now. And work with a therapist to get him to move out 1 July this year. Will give you 9 weeks to get the kids steady before September and then start the new school year in a less stressed household.

I say this as a ND mother and mother of ND kids.
kids can feel and see it. And these kids feel it deeply. So I don’t think waiting is the right answer at all.

best of luck.

Thanks both. Sadly not two years @Miloarmadillo2 . DD is going to extend year 11, doing 3 GCSEs this year and two next (I just got this approved after massive mock stress). So the following year will be my now 14 year old. So it really will be three summers of GCSEs (sadly).

And thanks too @incognitomummy , you hit the nail on the head with the feeling it deeply. Exactly that. That is what is paralysing me a bit.

I have my own bedroom, it's the tiny study that I typically work in (that has helped a lot). I do have a counsellor (was finding the whole EHCP/EOTAS stress on top of FT work a lot anyway so had started that via work and carried it on but now paying). Not sure he would even engage with a ND counsellor, he will not even talk to me at all. But we will see, I v much appreciate the help (honestly). Maybe for in the near future rather than now if that makes sense.

Massive thanks. I am finding this hugely overwhelming and isolating so a big thank you.

"I feel like I cannot do right for doing wrong if I am honest." This really sums it up for me. I commented on another thread you were on, as I'm pretty much exactly where you are, and, like you, I'm doing all the grunt-work of keeping everything going. My 'D'P is struggling massively with his MH, and this has been a recurring theme over the last two decades. We are now in a position whereby, through an unexpected change of circumstance, separating seems more feasible and potentially less complex than it has been to this point. And as much as I know it's the right thing and that I mustn't allow this opportunity to slip away, I can feel that I'm not quite thinking straight about it; @incognitomummy 's steps are refreshingly clear-headed. It's awful weighing up whether it is worse for ones' wildly change-averse ND DC to lose what's familiar or to continue to live in an emotionally frigid and unnecessarily tense environment.

I feel your pain.

In terms of timing, what about in May/June this summer as soon as the first round of GCSEs are done. Then there's a full year until the next ones. It's not ideal, but 3 years is obviously not tenable for you in that kind of situation.

How do you think he might respond if you told him ahead of time? Would he make a bad (worse?) atmosphere in the house, or would it be helpful to him that he's had time to get used to the idea before moving out?

And have you made sure you can sort out your financial position before telling him?

I am sorry that you are in the same circumstances @ByTheHour , I can totally appreciate all that you say. What you said about weighing up the choices for our ND kids is spot on. I literally feel paralysed by this. I really wish you well if you can get out (and you want to).

@WrylyAmused, thanks too. Honestly, I am not sure what he would say since he won't speak to me or even open a whatsapp message (I thought that might work better). Sent way over two days ago, nothing. He very much has his phone on him. Not sorted finances but I do need to think about it. I am the higher earner. His reponse would be take it all, I am shit, it's all my fault ina shouty rage I think (from previous experiences). He would do nothing to sort finances, I sort it all now anyway.

I have a counselling appt tomorrow amazingly but it's a small dent. I need to talk to someone. Friends are busy and outside of the ND arena, they do not get it anyway. So big thanks.

Glad to be helpful. I’m in a similar boat. Just not as far along!!!!!

Best of luck to you.

Just saw this, wishing you well @incognitomummy