Expressing feelings: Brutal honesty and a gentle start-up

[Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum]

The situation: My partner and I are stuck in a cycle where our communication breaks down at "Stage 0." I am someone who values a bit of preamble and a gentle delivery. I really care how words land. I want to hear his uncomfortable truths, but I’ve explained that I need a soft start-up when he starts being aggressively expressing

He feels that asking for "delivery" or "preamble" is a way of asking him not to feel his feelings. He says this is why men don't share emotions and that he’ll end up a "quiet, disgruntled old man" if he has to filter himself. He values raw honestly with no filters. And I am not asking him to walk on eggshells or to coddle but just gentle paraphrasing goes along way. Example:

Last week, I declined staying over at his place after seeing a friend because I preferred to be around my own things/makeup/routine for the night. I told him I’d see him early the next morning as planned. I sensed his discomfort and tried to reassure him by saying, "I know I'm always welcome at yours and I appreciate it, I'm just tired this week and want to spend time at home ."

He corrected me welcome "only sometimes." He then followed up with: "I’m going to stop asking you to stay. If you feel this way, maybe we aren’t in a real relationship and are just dating and having sex. From now on, we should just meet outside."

I felt hit by a ton of bricks. I told him that if he felt rejected or disconnected, he should just say that, rather than making grand, blunt statements that question the entire relationship. He argued that he was just "expressing his feelings" and that I’m too focused on his delivery. And that I should be able to sit with his emotions. I can sit with his emotions, he can tell me he's annoyed, feels disconnected, feels like he's been asking a few times and i keep saying no so he is frustrated, there's so many ways, but reducing our long-term relationship to casual dating and sex when we have discussed that we're working towards marriage just made me feel sad.

I feel like we can never get to the "solution phase" (like getting a drawer at his place or scheduling days) because I am too busy reeling from the "boytoy" or "just sex" comments and asking to be gentler. He thinks I’m tone policing; I think I’m asking for basic emotional safety so we can actually solve the problem.I don't expect all our communication to be perfect, I know I am not, but I operate on it should be net gentle.

Specific advice requested: How do I navigate this dynamic with someone who equates "gentle delivery" with "dishonesty"? How can I explain that I'm not trying to silence his feelings? Is there a middle ground? Am I being unreasonable?

It sounds like you’re asking for someone to process their emotions and respond rather than react, something that most adults in healthy relationships do

he sounds like he has the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon

I think you need to meet in the middle - I think asking him to totally change how he expresses himself and pad it out to your preference when he feels things possibly will lead to him not wanting to express feelings.

However he could make a more concerted effort to try and understand your communication preferences and stay totally honest but perhaps explain it further? And you could make an effort to understand that’s how he expresses feelings and not overtly focus on one or two words he chooses to express himself with?

Gosh you're hard work. You are not compatible.

He sounds like a bit of knob to me who is not interested in trying to communicate. He just wants his own way and will say nasty things to get you in line. A normal man would think that staying at your own place after a night out without him is a normal thing to do.

I think he is throwing the ‘just expressing my feelings’ at you in the same way that people say, ‘it was just banter’ when they’ve said something that is totally out of line.

But you do sound a bit as though you have to analyse everything deeply from an emotional point of view, which can be a bit wearing for everyone else.

Theres a lot of fluff here dressing up the obvious, which is he gets nasty when he doesn’t get his own way.

The way he reacted to you not wanting to stay is not a problem to solve, it’s information about his character. He doesn’t just want to express his feelings, he wants his feelings to have consequencesfor you.

Marry this man at your peril.

Yes,it does sound as though he just gets nasty and lashes out when he doesn't get his own way! How old is this man? He's unlikely to change and communicate in the way you would like.

First post nails it
He sounds like a bellend.

You are working like an ox and he wants to be parented

He’s a twat.

And expecting you to manage his mantrums. This will not get better

Dump him.

You’re not allowed any boundaries

Gosh, that’s a lot of overanalysing and trying to justify the behaviour of a man who just sounds like a complete bellend. It’s good to try and improve communication, but not to the point where someone can behave like a dick and justify it as ‘different communication styles’. Maybe take a step back and look at his behaviour without trying to find reasons for it, and then ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

From the example you give, he sounds like a bully. As in, if you don't do what he wants, he kicks off. And is not shy about it.

That, I think, is your real problem.

That wasn't just blunt communication, it was punishment because you didn't do what he wanted.

Signed, a blunt communicator.

You don't with him, incompatible

Please type your own posts on mumsnet, putting them through ChatGPT doesn't
make them better to read.

Totally this.

I would ignore his expression of feelings and super focus on the words that he said.
Take what he said fully at face value, and expect him to own it.

Perhaps only meet him outside for a while, and remind him that that was what he seemed to want.

The other thing I would say is “When you started on your rant the other day I asked myself how I could possibly be in a relationship with someone who is so crap at communication, so happy to be thoughtless about the feelings of others, and who is so ridiculous is his passive aggression. Is this why all your other relationships have ended? Aren’t you embarrassed at the thought of how you carry on, or have you got to forty not knowing that the pathetic stunt you pulled the other night is “carrying on”.”

This is not a communication problem. It’s an abuse problem. Threatening the relationship because you won’t do what he wants is emotionally abusive.

When someone is abusing you, you don’t negotiate tone or ask them to be gentler, you just get the hell away from them.

The problem is not caused by what he says. It’s caused by his beliefs, entitlement and disrespect. If like you suggested, he had said he felt “disconnected and rejected” that’s still emotionally manipulative.

You are at real risk here of teaching him to abuse you in a covert way. It doesn’t really matter how he is expressing his entitlement, the problem is that he has those thoughts in the first place.

God he sounds exhausting. I want to dump him and I'm not even with him.

Sounds like he was hoping for sex and didn't get it as you wanted to stay at your place so he got moody. 🙄 I personally haven't got energy for this sort of behaviour.

This. He's punishing you as you aren't behaving I.e. doing what he wants, when he wants it

And, why can't he just clear a drawer for your feminine needs if he wants you to stop over with work the next day? What's his answer to that?

he's exhausting. you would honestly enjoy life more without him in it

He’s not expressing his feelings. He is lashing out and punishing you.

He is not communicating to resolve the issue. He is having a tantrum.
However, if someone told me unprompted "I know I'm always welcome at yours and I appreciate it" I'd burst out laughing. You need to cut a bit of fluff and not run to rescue someone who is emotionally dysregulated and he needs to grow up.
You can't fix it, I don't think.

He is emotionally manipulating you.

Wot @SwanLake35 said

he doesn’t like it when you say no

honestly. this won’t get better. It it really how you want live. Find someone who genuinely enjoys your company.

Op you say you’re someone who cares how words land. But you have put considerable effort into avoiding naming what’s actually happening. For instance you didn’t sense his discomfort, he went into a mood.

Avoidance and the ability to gaslight yourself are the requirements of any abusive relationship. Start saying what is really happening, if only to yourself.