Help me break up with boyfriend

[relationshipadvice26]

I’ve been in a relationship for 6 months, it’s a short amount of time but we’ve grown incredibly close in that period and have spent a lot of time together.

for various reasons, I’ve reached the tough decision of knowing that this relationship doesn’t have long term potential. I need to end it, but I REALLY struggle with break ups.

I struggle with them not because of the impact on me, but because I hate the thought of causing someone hurt, especially when it’ll be unexpected as nothing particularly bad has happened recently.

I’ve been talking to a therapist about this and they say all the right things - that continuing the relationship causes more harm long term, that I should consider my own emotional wellbeing rather than being too conscientious about other peoples feelings, yet I STILL CAN’T DO IT.

I’m looking for a handhold or words of advice, I know that to some people it’s black and white - just have the call or send the message and get it done, but the thought of that just fills me with dread and I can’t bring myself to do it.

Perhaps the idea that you have the power to crush someone else to pieces just by breaking up with them after six months is a little narcissistic. Who's to say it will destroy him? He might be feeling unsure too. Either way, you owe him the truth about your feelings and intentions.

Life’s not fair, you win some you lose some. He could be absolutely fine about it and who’s to say he would be devastated anyway. You’re over thinking it and the quicker you learn to put yourself first, regardless the better. Just text him, then get on with your day.

Can you arrange to meet in a cafe and say, ‘I’m so sorry to spring this on you but this isn’t working anymore for me’? Be as honest but kind as possible about the reason if he asks.

Would you rather be nasty, dragging it out for ages when you know there’s no future……. or decent and step up and say sorry this isn’t working. Because not speaking up is worse and will cause more pain then being upfront now.

I don’t think it will crush him, he’s been through much worse - he’s gone through a divorce.

I guess I feel a weight on my shoulders because he’s been saying how happy he is again since he’s met me, I think that’s more to do with the company than me being anything special. I know he can easily meet someone new, I’m just struggling so much with the thought of sending the message. I don’t know if he’s picking up on something, because he’s text me a few times today along the lines of ‘I love you so much’ ‘I miss you’, he apologised for not supporting me with something big so he’s perhaps realising that I’m having doubts, but this feels like even more pressure.

I feel so gutless and pathetic - I know I’m over thinking it. it’s only been 6 months, we don’t live together or even live in the same city so we can have a clean break

To be honest, after 6 months and considering you've said you've become very close, I think you owe him more than a message. I would do it in person, be as honest as you can and make it quick. It's never easy and if you weren't bothered that you're hurting someone, you'd be very unusual. But it is best to do it now rather than string him along. You will both be ok, you've just got to grasp the nettle and do it.

Can you ask to meet but prepare him somehow? So saying something like 'I really think we need to talk and I'd like to do this face to face...' So he's already aware that it's probably bad news and has chance to steel himself. Then you can just say that you've had a great six months, he's a fabulous person and it's nothing personal, but.... and then just tell him what you need to tell him - that you need space for yourself or you aren't in the right place for a relationship or whatever. Give him a hug and leave.

Done.

Dragging out a relationship that you're done with is really unkind. You're letting him get further invested because you are catastrophizing about what could happen when you end a brief relationship of a few months.

You can't control what another person does. It sounds like his messages are intense. That makes it all the more important to end it now.

It's not nice to let someone down, or disappoint them, but it's not like you set out to cause any hurt.
If you're sure it can't work out then maybe have your reasons straight in your mind, so that you can answer any questions he has. If he's keen to try and work through the reasons, think about how you feel about that.
I think a text would be a bit mean after 6 months so a call or meet up whatever you think.
Get it over with though, it's kinder on him and on you.

Don’t ‘have the call or send the message’ (unless there’s risk of physical abuse). That’s avoidance and it’s cruel and cowardly. Woman up and have the in person conversation with him.

Why do you want to end the relationship im the same tbh they go on long term even when im unhappy as just struggle to do it

I’ve got a bad record of staying in relationships that I shouldn’t have, where I’ve noticed red flags early on but I’ve ignored them because I haven’t had the courage to end things and it’s been easier to just continue and plod on.

The reasons I want to end it are:

i don’t think it would work long term due to us living quite far from each other and we’re both settled in our own cities, with family nearby, work, our child’s co parent and schools - so it wouldn’t be easy to merge lives.

He’s quite argumentative after a night out, whilst we get on well and enjoy each others company if we’re at home doing nothing, when we’ve gone out it always ends in a row - he brushes it off the next day, but that’s not the type of relationship I want.

He’s not emotionally supportive, there have been many instances where I’ve been an emotional support to him but when I’ve needed it in return he’s withdrawn.

He’s told some lies about his past that I’ve uncovered, some of them are quite big.

Our idea of how we’d like to spend our free time is different, he’s involved in a lot of sports so I end up fitting in around that. After reflecting, it’s not how I want to spend my childfree day. I knew he played sport when we met, but he told me he was finishing soon - this is now looking unlikely.

I guess fundamentally it’s not the type of relationship I want, but it took a little while of being with him and getting to know him more to see this.

I think things progressed quickly because we both enjoyed the company after being single, with hindsight we should’ve taken things at a much slower pace and re-evaluated when the incompatibilities showed up- the time of year didn’t help, by mid-October we were already planning our first Christmas together so it felt like the wrong time to step away then.

I 100% know that the kindest thing I can do is to end things now, but it’s difficult when he’s being so intense with the calls and ‘love you’ messages. Also my reluctance at doing it face to face is because I’m quite weak in confrontational situations and easily manipulated, I think he’ll have an answer or a promise of change for every point that I bring up. In reality, maybe he would agree with what I say and would accept us finishing - but my anxious brain is catastrophising and imagining the worst.

Sounds like you've really thought it through.

Maybe meet him in a public space, and don't go into the reasons if you think he'll argue back. Say "I'm really sorry, it's just not working for me" and repeat. Then leave.

You can do this, you know it's the right thing

He’s manipulating you with the full on “love you “shit, I think you owe him face to face if that’s safe, but no point in prolonging things

They are all good reasons. Perhaps, if you can, emphasise the practical reasons rather than the personal reasons, as they are facts that just can’t be changed. Also less emotive than some of the more personality based reasons.
It sounds to be like you’re torturing yourself a bit almost living and imaging the break up over and over with your over anxious brain. It’s making it feel far worse than it really is.
Maybe he has an idea this is coming and that’s why he’s being quite intense with the love you messages.
Try and get it sorted soon and you’ll feel so relieved. In person would be best but maybe a call with the offer of meeting if he’d like to would be a compromise?

I think your therapist is being a bit too generous here by suggesting you are not looking after your emotional wellbeing. That's exactly what you are doing by not breaking up with him. You are being incredibly selfish. I know that because once upon a time I also delayed breaking up with someone who I knew I was not compatible with. And we went on to have a six year long relationship which made us both absolutely miserable. Eventually I had to put my big girl's pants on because I realised that I deeply cared about him and he deserved the truth and the chance of being with someone who loved him.
The day I had a conversation with him was one of the worst in my life. To witness someone in pain knowing that you caused it is awful. But doing anything other than have that face to face conversion would be both selfish and cowardly.