What to do with this info? (Narc parent)

[princesspadam]

Have previously been on the stately homes thread, narc mother, reduced contact.
she phoned me at work this morning to say she has had vertigo and the GP thinks she may have had a TIA - awaiting an EMERGENCY CT scan

i can’t imagine ever phoning my dcs with this useless information!
I can’t stand all the attention seeking

i just told her to let me know what the scan says

what would you do? Given that I live 4 hrs away, work full time & have dcs at home

Obviously I don't know your background but if my mum was having an emergency CT scan or in fact any type of scan I'd expect her to tell me. I'd ask her to let me know when she had the results, just like you've done.

This seems a fairly typical family communication. I don't see that you're expected to do anything more at this stage

Just ask her to let you know how she get on. If it was a real emergency the scan would be that day (surely?). I suspect it’s a cautionary scan but the narc in her has flowered it up for a bit of an ego boost kibble.

I certainly wouldn’t go to her that’s for sure. To do what? She or someone else has got her to the right help so that’s it for now. Does she want you to go up? Or is it a FYI? Do you think she’s telling the truth even? I have a difficult m who I have a strained relationship with, for background.

I would add all wait and see what a scan reveals. I’d also be wondering if she is telling the whole truth here re tests. Otherwise do nothing more.

I would now further lower all interaction with her down to zero sum. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

Without knowing the backstory I would absolutely expect my mum to tell me this kind of information. I would offer words of encouragement and to let me know how it goes.
this example, on its own, is not attention seeking, it’s a perfectly standard family convo.

I had vertigo a couple of years ago. I doubt that the gps first thought was tia. I’m sure he thought viral ..

Is it possible that she’s exaggerating what the gp said? That would be my first thought.

Yes there is always a lot of exaggeration with medical things which has gone on for the last 30 + years
ive run out of patience of the endless dramas

I would add that a friend had a suspected tia last year. They are generally self correcting and unless seen on an image very quickly it’s often impossible to tell if someone has had one

Obviously, you don't have a good relationship with your mum but this example of her behaviour isn't particularly revealing. If my mum was ill and had possibly had a TIA and needed to have a scan, I would expect her to let me know that so I could offer some sympathy and support. That's pretty normal in most families?

Agree with wait and see. Op its hard to know. My mother suddenly had illnesses just before my sisters holidays.... I still feel it was panic and more drama..

This is a perfectly normal thing to phone your adult child about when you have a normal healthy relationship.

I’m NC with my mum though and no I would not want to hear from her with an update on her health. In fact, I have cancer and she has no idea, no plans ever to inform her.

I think you need to separate out normal healthy parent/adult child behaviour from the reality that you don’t have a normal parent/adult child relationship. It’s fine to not jump when she says jump or engage in any way. I’d just be clear about your boundaries.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Let me know how you get on is an appropriate response.

Thank you for all the replies.
its very difficult in an unhealthy / narc mother daughter relationship to know what is an appropriate response

shes having the scan today, ive told her to let me know and left it at that

Hi,

I understand this type of dynamic, I saw it all the time with people escaping violence and abusive relationships when I worked in the field.

Firstly, its more of the same isn't it, but tinged with 'you've GOT to help me because I might DIE' and added to 'people will think you're HEARTLESS if you don't come to my aid!!'

In your position I would -

Deal with today's crisis by taking the info when it comes, being grey rock and getting away asap.
Then ignore as much as you can.

Then -
Longer term what do you want? To cut contact or minimise it?
When you know that, you can start to work to it.
It will mean 'they know' - you will have to behave differently and they will know that, so get used to the idea.
Get support if you can, even if it is writing in your journal about how anxious and guilty you feel, in the first few weeks of doing it.

Low contact looks like replying less and later, avoiding contact by ignoring calls and texting little back, not going to meet ups etc, and just letting weeks and months lapse.

No contact means ignoring absolutely everything, no matter what and from whom. If you take control by never ever responding, you will win in the end.

I chose no contact and it was the making of me. I did no contact for twenty years and now I have contact with certain family members and not others and it works for us.

I did a lot of self help to get me through BUT it was surprising how easy life then became, how low stress, much nicer and better all round, and no one else ever treated me like my mother did so it wasn't me.

There isn’t anything you can do if you’re 4 minutes away or 4 hours. Thanks for letter know, let me know when you get the results