Help me detach 😢

[Bengal233]

Hi all,
has anyone been on a position where they’ve found themselves I a situationship.
one minute he’s full on, sending lots of messages and saying all the right things. The next he leaves me on read or my messages deliver and he takes hours and hours to reply.
If I ever message and say is everything ok or are you ignoring me he flips it and says I haven’t got the energy for this.
I know It’s time to walk away, as I know he’s not genuine, he cancels plans all the time or the day we have plans he doesn’t answer my message about times etc till a lot later where there’s some sort of excuse why he can’t come.
I know I sound silly and I should just walk away but I do really like him and I just need some proven ways to detach and stay strong so I stop reaching out.
thank you for reading x

Also I might add that I’m 35 and split with my ex husband 13 month ago as he cheated on me. I was with him for 16 years so I know I have a lot of trust issues with men

The fact that he is playing you and being manipulative should be enough to call it a day. Raise your bar. You're too good for him.

@Nicecatneighbour thank you for being so kind. I think because I was cheated on by my ex husband I just feel I’m not good enough and I know I sound pathetic

Work on your self esteem, Bengal. It's not something that just happens, you have to work it like a muscle. There are probably a million books on the subject, you owe it to yourself to be happy. Make it a project, and don't sell yourself short. Instead of describing yourself as pathetic, give yourself a boost. Repeat after me, "I am my own woman, and I am enough". 💐

Absolutely this - find some hobbies and things that give you your own self worth away from men. Start with you and have a break from dating. It is no time at all to recover from a break up. The guy sounds like a bad energy person.

If you want to detach stop sleeping with him.

Don't see him unless he arranges something nice.

Practise leaving him on read.

Say "I'll let you know"

He sounds like a toxic tosspot.

Ask yourself… what he does to show he cares about you, how does he meet your emotional needs and make you feel safe. I suspect it’s a very short list.

The easiest way to stop reaching out is to block and delete his number. Today

He is entirely in control here and calling all the shots. If you don't play along nicely then he hasn't got the energy for it. You're a toy to pick up and put down.

I think you've got to ask yourself why you really like him when he plays so hot and cold. It's coming from your low self esteem and just wanting to be loved. As long as your self esteem is low and you don't believe you're good enough you will be very vulnerable to being abused - and abusers can sense it a mile off.

I think it would be much better for you to be working on your self esteem until you are only interested in people who add to your life. You could be getting a bit into emotional dependence here as well and that can be quite addictive - because why else would you really like someone who often isn't very nice to you?

Get out of this and work on yourself OP, don't rely on his crumbs for your self esteem. You've had years of being treated badly, don't repeat the same pattern. You deserve so much better.

Also reward yourself for not contacting him and then focus on the reward and not him. Make lots of plans for yourself, do nice things for yourself and get some support around you if you can.

This. Please, please just disengage. There is lots of joy to be found in being single.

A friend advised me to 'detach' when my exH left and although I knew her advise was well meaning, I didn't find it helpful. There is not a switch you can just flip and go 'great, I'll just detach.'

Having written that, there are 2 things involved, here. Your brain and your devices. I would start with your devices. Take a deep breath, message him to say sorry, you have met someone else as it wasn't working for you. Thank him for the good times etc. then block him - everywhere. Don't think about the aftermath, just do it.

Obviously you will then need to deal with your brain and emotions but I suspect that standing up to him will give you a confidence boost and you may be surprised at how good and powerful it makes you feel.

Then find ways to make yourself to feel really good before thinking about dating again. You will find that people notice when you feel good and people will then gravitate to you rather than you needing to find them. Trust me on that.

OP there are so many men who do this sort of fishing.

What he is doing is just that, fishing. He baits you by sending you a message saying "hi my gorgeous, what does your day look like, I have a ticket to so and so, are you in? And you have not heard from him in 10 days, nada communication from him. And you are like YES of course Steven, I am in. All in.

Then the evening approaches, you have put on your makeup, best new outfit, your fave perfume, and are all ready. You send a message to say you are. No reply. Then you send another asking if he is alright, with no reply to that either, then you realise what is going on, you take of your shoes, put on your comfy pj and plant yourself in front of the TV. Again.

Then two days go by, and again he is like nothing happened, while it leaves you completely lost, as he gives no explanation, nothing, just Hi, just wondering if you are gong to take my bate again, oh and him basically sitting at a cafe, with someone else he does this to too, while sat in front of her, he blatently texts you as he is both bored, but also amused by the fact he has this control over you.

See what kind of man you are dealing with is never going to put you first, its a game, its you flattering him by responding, and then when you want him to explain himself you are too much.

I know my reply is long, but I want you to know your worth. He is tugging at you, but the question is where will you draw the line? At what point will you see him for what he is? At what point do you value you more than some dude who just wants a shag. He is disrespectful, man child that has zero intention of making a thing with you. Zero respect for your time, and zero respect for how YOU feel.

Do not engage further. Even if he begs, or pulls you in with is charm, its a game.

Your husband was awful to you. Be kind to yourself- don’t allow anyone else to treat you poorly. Why do you like him - he’s being very mediocre towards you (even if he turns the charm on now and again). There is so much better out there, even if it takes awhile to find. Dump him and be proud of yourself. You could even use his line -that you haven’t got the energy for this. Because you really shouldn’t be wasting energy on him!

And OP, your value does not lie in these men or how they chose to behave within your relationship, it says alot about them though.

You are worthy of love, respect and care.

These men chose to betray you, and then left you questioning yourself and your worth, when in fact you should be question their behaviour and halt any further communication at the first indication of disrespect. Yes you are allowed to do that.

What your ex did was horrid, and no wonder your confidence is a bit jittey. You are not faulty goods, so find your worth and realise your wantings in life are totally normal, wanting a healthy relationship is normal, its these types dont go for the bitches, they go for us kind, generous, vulnerable women who have their every day shit together, but they want fun at any cost, and for however long you will tolerate their shit, and go for us lovely women, selling us a sunset but delivering a nightmare.

When I split from my ex I stayed single for 2 years and worked on myself and I look back now it was the best two years of my life, being single and focusing on making me a better person.
I also knew and still know if I was being treated like that I’d walk away and deal with my feelings , I’d stop texting, stop replying and be busy, he’s playing you because he knows your not in the right place right now and will accept anything.
stop it now and work on you for the next six months , take a break and go back to dating after that.

Thank you so much to you all for all your lovely comments, advice and kind words.
I do definitely need to work on my self esteem and find a hobby. I work two jobs as I’m trying to take over a mortgage on my own and I have two children who are with me 90% of the time as their dad, who was a wonderful dad until he left doesn’t have them as much as he should. I need to try and find some time to concentrate on myself.
I think because he gave me attention and made me feel wanted that I just let myself get sucked in to the games. I have a wonderful support network of family and friends so I am very lucky.