Hey everyone, this is gonna be long but I really need some outside perspective on this situation. I have a bad habit of overanalyzing every little thing when I like someone, so I'm hoping you guys can help me see stuff more clearly.
I'm (21F) someone who deals with social anxiety and other trauma responses. I'm also neurodivergent (I was a gifted kid). Physically and romantically, I'm extremely shy, I get really nervous and awkward, but emotionally, I tend to be very honest and open with my feelings. I have very little romantic experience.
He's (20M) got pretty obvious ADHD, so I feel like part of the connection comes from both of us feeling like outcasts throughout our lives. He's super energetic and outgoing, spontaneous, always cracking jokes, kind of restless and impatient at times, but then he is very direct and honest, and can be very introspective and understanding. From what he's told me, he only had one girlfriend about three years ago.
How everything started (about a month ago):
I was out clubbing with some friends, including our close mutual friend, who knows us both really well. She brought along two guy friends of hers, and one of them was him. Because of my social anxiety, I was pretty reserved that whole night and didn't talk much or open up easily, but even still, he seemed genuinely interested in me and made an effort to chat and interact with me.
Later when I realized I actually liked him, I told our mutual friend and another girl friend. They both separately told me that he'd already mentioned to them that he liked me too, which was exciting to hear. With my permission, our mutual friend let him know that the feeling was mutual.
What struck me was that before he even asked her for my Instagram, he'd already found me himself and sent a follow request. A few days later, when she was hanging out with me, she asked toward the end if it was okay if he joined us for a bit. I said sure, and he did. He flirted with me lightly, and right before leaving he asked, "So now can I actually dm you on Instagram?" I laughed and said "obviously".
The very beginning of texting was actually great, he was the one pushing things forward:
He'd already taken the initiative to find me on Instagram without help. Then he messaged me short time after he had asked me in person, and literally the next day after that hangout, he proposed we go on a proper date.
First date went well: there was definitely chemistry and good vibes between us. And it was pretty clear that we both wanted to have more dates together. Both of us proposed different days to go out the next time.
After that first date, his texting changed. It became more irregular. He's actually told me directly that he much prefers talking in person rather than through messages, he finds texting kind of draining or unnatural. Since then, I've noticed I'm usually the one who has to start conversations and suggest actual "dates." To be honest, it's true that I can get impatient becuase my overthinking and my anxiety drives me down a spiral for a minimal detail. In fact, before scheduling the third date, our mutual friend told me he said to her, that he wanted to see me again and was going to ask, but I got impatient and ended up asking first.
Second date was intense, he was very direct and physically affectionate:
This one felt really charged. He kept telling me throughout that he wanted to kiss me or "eat me up with kisses," and then he actually did, he kissed me on the lips several times. We compared hand sizes and at one point I got brave and interlaced my fingers with his. He immediately responded by holding on tight and playing with my hands constantly after that.
He caressed my face a lot, touched my nose affectionately and said he loved how soft my face and nose felt. He repeated a few times that he "didn't understand why I liked him" in this almost insecure way. He said he really liked my face and then he said "I just don't understand why you're with me" On the metro ride, he put his arm around me, I leaned into his shoulder, he kissed me more on the lips and cheeks, put his hand on my knee, and when I placed mine on top, he took it, held it, and stroked it. There was another moment when he grabbed my hand and kissed it, which I liked a lot and got shy.
There was also this moment where he started saying "I'm here with my future..." and then cut himself off laughing, like he didn't want to sound too serious about it. The chemistry was strong, but because I'm so shy with touch, I got pretty nervous and overwhelmed at times, I just really like him. He definitely noticed, and tried to help me relax. I was on cloud 9 hahaha.
Third date felt different, much less physically bold:
He was still flirty, don't get me wrong:
- When I asked if he wanted to eat, he grinned and said "Yeah, you."
- He made half-joking comments about taking me back to his place and watch movies together or me hosting him at mine.
- He kept finding little excuses to hold my hand and playfully scared me as a joke when he first saw me at our meeting spot.
- There was this one moment where he got really close to my face, I turned away then back toward him, and he teased me and he blew a puff of air at me.
But compared to date two, there was way less intense physical contact overall. I felt like it didn't "flow" quite as naturally, and I started spiraling afterward worrying that maybe he'd lost interest or I wasn't giving the right signals.
I called our mutual friend right after and told her I felt like maybe we weren't connecting as well. She was honestly surprised by that and reminded me it had only been three dates, not to build huge stories out of little details (she admitted she does the same thing and it just makes you miserable). To be honest, she really helped me out and I was able to calm down my worries and non-stop anxious thoughts.
Group hangouts brought my hope back:
This was 2 days after our third date, when I invited the mutual friend for a sleepover at my place, but we were meeting for dinner first in the city. Right before we met up, she asked last-minute if I was okay with him joining us for the dinner part (not the sleepover). I said sure. I found this really cute, because he knew I was going to hang out with her, he had asked me on the third date, so that meant he must've wanted to see me again.
That evening went really well, I felt much more comfortable and relaxed than on the third date. He was flirty again: fed me fries and nuggets (which made me very shy), noticed my hand was cold and held it, and even after I borrowed gloves from our friend, he kept feeding me anyway. When we walked, it naturally ended up being him walking and talking right next to me while our friend walked with another guy who joined in later. I maintained eye contact while he was telling me a childhood story, I could notice that he was getting nervous because he would look at me and away all the time, and he would forget what he was saying and hesitate a bit, there was definite tension. I swear I caught his eyes glancing down then back up a few times. When it was time to say goodbye and head to the station, he came to hug me first before hugging anyone else.
Monday's spontaneous meetup was actually really sweet:
I had a random three-hour gap between my two jobs on Monday, so originally I was going to hang out with our mutual friend at around 1:20pm. She ended up having to cancel because of a family thing. On a whim, I messaged him asking if by any chance he was free around 1:20pm. He said he was finishing class at 2:30pm. I asked if it would even be worth it for him to come hang out for like an hour and a half max. He said he'd see and let me know when he was out.
Then at 2:15pm he messaged "Just finished class, on my way, be there in 30 minutes." We ended up spending about 45 minutes together before I had to head to my second job and he had other things. Honestly, I found that gesture really touching, crossing the city right after class just to hang out for less than an hour felt like genuine effort and interest to me.
Texting pattern that's driving me nuts:
That same night, I messaged him something like: "Forgot to tell you earlier but thank you so much for coming earlier today. It was a short time but I really appreciated you keeping me company."
His reply was: "No problem" "HAHAHA". It just drives me nuts that he is so bad at texting, and he is the type to use humour to hide his vulnerable side.
When I get emotionally honest with him:
Even though I'm shy, I tend to be direct with my feelings:
- On the bus once, he was teasing me that I liked his friend from the first night more. I said no, actually you were the one I liked more. He smiled, looked away kind of like shy and smiling, and joked "That's what they all say, I'm always the second choice." He's not a pick me, but I think he got nervous about what he should answer hahaha.
- Another time I told him honestly, "I'm scared you might lose interest in me." He smiled at that too and gave some half-joking response that I can't remember exactly; either "How could I lose interest in you?" or "I already have" playfully. Either way, after that he actually flirted even more with me
Even though he is very sweet and present in person, texting barely exists and except for the first date, I was the one to propose the other two, even though it's true I think i got impatient too soon. He likes my stories/reels and added me to close friends on IG though. He also remembers the little things about me and that I tell him. His social media activity is very minimal too, it actually does fit in his profile.
Sometimes I've overthought to the point of thinking "what if he's talking to other girls?" "What if he, when out clubbing, has kissed any other girl?". I haven't asked him directly but I honestly highly doubt it. Maybe it's a very basic thing but it makes me happy that he hasn't tried anything with other girls even when we haven't talked explicitly about it. The reason why I'm quite confident this is true is because our mutual friend has promised me that if there's something I need to know about this, she will let me know inmediately. I trust her completely, she's one of my closest friends and is a very sincere person, I know that if she even suspected that he had tried anything with someone else she would've told me. And the thing is that she is one of his closest friends too, so she would definitely know. He has asked me before if I was talking or dating any guys before him and I said no. Sometimes he jokes by wondering if "there's another man" but there's no one else for me, when I like someone I like them very much.
I really like him and I think he likes me too, and I can see potential for something genuinely good between us, but I'm tired of this pattern where I give way more effort in regards to proposing hang outs and dates than I get back. It is true though that if I was assured that his interest in me is growing instead of the opposite, I wouldn't care much if I am the one to take the role of planning more, it's just the small fear that he might be losing interest in me and ghost me or something. I think I would like to have a formal relationship with him and I would like for it to keep building up for that. But I overthink signals all the time so would really appreciate an outsider's view on this
Thanks so much for reading all that. I want to be realistic about this, not delusional, but I also don't want to throw away something that could be really good just because of communication differences. Appreciate any honest takes!