Is being an adult just accepting a series of slightly less shit versions to stave away really shit ones?
I’m not looking for practical advice or LTB stuff. I’m absolutely certain I won’t be leaving.
I just feel disappointed that once you’ve had children you basically have to put your self on the back burner in every aspect for the rest of your life.
DH is a tricky one. Quite fucked up from boarding school. Issues with stubbornness, can’t and won’t contribute to family-ish things like holidays, Christmasses, friendships, hosting family, gardening, most housework. Stubborn about self care beard cutting teeth brushing regular washing. Addicted yi screens. Quite negative and cynical and difficult to raise issues with as talking isnt his thing.
He is a loving father and our DD adores him. He has many good qualities too.
We started going to couples therapy a while ago due to how bored we had both become of our arguments and initially when we put the tasks into practice we saw great results. Better sex than ever, more safety and closeness it was revelatory that the process of therapy had uncovered that I was married to my best friend. We went on regular dates, we played games together and I finally felt hopeful.
This past year it’s changed.
We quit therapy for a while but the arguments started again and since returning it’s been basically traumatic.
its like he uses the session to prove that he is the rational good one and I am the bad guy, often bringing things up he had overheard me saying in small talk at parties to reinforce his position of winner.
He is very comfortable telling our therapist that the reason he doesn’t ask me how I am, check if he can help etc is because I might get angry but he’s much less comfortable when I express a need. Often this is met with nastiness and lots of invalidation from him.
I’m beginning to dread the therapy sessions because a couple of days before therapy he turns into a different person, apologising, being kind and thoughtful etc so he can report back that everything is fine. If I use the opportunity with the therapist as a safe intermediary to raise an issue with him he acts all blindsided and generally goes silent, then interrupts me and when I point out that he is interrupting me he verbally abuses me and says I do it to him. He often uses tactics like starting to talk about a situation from a long time ago when I am in the middle of trying to address something specific that has happened recently. He just can’t stop himself.
Our therapist then tells us that my DH has dissociated because he is hypo-aroused and that I am angry and hyper-aroused and in that state we can’t hear each other. This is true but I’m sick of this dynamic and am starting to feel it’s all a waste of money.
Our DD would not have a nice life at all if we split up and if I can stay contained in my own non-intimate bubble we tick along okay.
Work is not great. Lots of snakes in the grass and DH doesn’t want to hear about it at all. It’s a lonely relationship. I crave his validation and connection then when, out of the blue he gives it to me, I can’t lean in because he has no ability to repair and address arguments so they’re stuck inside me.
It’s a shame but I’m starting to feel that just accepting my lot for its pros and cons is no different to the pros and cons if I left. It’s, on balance, probably better.
I just wish I was more empowered. I feel marriage is a trap I’ve stupidly fallen into and if I were to have my time again I would just focus on making money.