Im in love with someone

[KookyFinch]

Hi I dont know what to do. My lifes a mess. I. Am in a relationship of 7 years . Im 40 and have fallen for someone who 20 years older than me. We both really love each other to the point im crying al the time. We both have partners we don't want to hurt and cant leave . But we want to be together.

Well, good luck.

I'm sure it will all go swimmingly.

Any children?

Ignore it, it’ll go away. Honestly. You’re in a 7 year itch combined with mid life crisis. This will pass but your regret won’t if you act on it.

Get a grip!

Grow up, you’re 40 years old for crying out loud

I think you will find you are 'in lust' with each other.

I knew someone in a similar situation. They were both adamant they were definitely going to be together because they were in love so they ruined other people’s lives and destroyed both their families then she found someone else to fall in love with and started shagging him instead. And they all lived unhappily ever after. The end.

If it's true.
Op you know full well no matter how this goes someone will be getting hurt.
Your 40s hes 20 years older you will be his nurse.
Good luck.

But is this really happening 🤔 or is it a made up thread.

Something happens when you’re 40, I swear! The hormones make you like a teenager again!

Why can’t you leave? Money?

Life is full of inrequited love stories.

You can't leave - you said so yourself.
You don't want to hurt others - so don't. And don't share anything about this longing.

Stop the communication and stop crying.
Start putting the same energy and time into your current family. Be someone you respect. Life is often hard.

Reassess in twenty years time.

As tempting as it may be at 40 & 60, you really notice the difference at 55 & 75. Then 60 & 80. So I'd say even if you were both single you shouldn't go there.

it's much easier to fall in love with someone who only needs yi give yoh their best side, but if you were to leave your partners & get together, you'd soon get all the crap bits too!

right now he's a dopamine hit! You need to go cold turkey & find your dopamine hit with your partner or separate cleanly. Not like this.

Apart from anyone else, you owe yourself more!

I’ve been in a similar situation OP and it won’t be all it’s cracked up to be! If you did leave and were together, I’m sure the novelty would wear off pretty quick and he wouldn’t be that amazing after all.

it will hurt more the longer you prolong it. I would try and cold turkey, cut him out of your life. Sounds brutal but the only way.

It always feels amazing in the beginning. You can’t replicate that intensity in a long term relationship. An affair occurs in a bubble of secrecy in which you do not know the “real” other person. You don’t see them in their own social context, with their family, children, friends. You just see the best version of themself they present to you in the limited stolen time you can spend together. Wait till you’re both dealing with angry ex-partners, distressed children (which can include adult children) and disappointed friends and family. That’ll take the shine off faster than your clothes fall off with each other currently. I’ve seen it happen plenty of times.

I would go cold turkey on this one and focus hard kn your marriage. If that still feels shit after a year of putting all your effort into it, then leave calmly, knowing that you properly tried.

Grow up, your 40 not 14.

We both really love each other to the point im crying al the time.

If you are crying all the time I doubt it is love. Infatuation, lust - maybe. But not love.

Ok lots of different issues going on here.

1. Why can't you leave your partner of seven years? Do you love him? Because that is different to not wanting to hurt someone? Or is it more practical like you'd have less money/nowhere to live?

1. Any children? If not, stop crying, and just instigate your break up with current partner. If you do have DC, you need to have a really good think about how you move forward and you can't do that whilst you're mooning over this other guy.

1. Is 60yo a colleague? Your boss? Are you about to fuck your career right up too?

1. Age gap relationship - never been in one myself, but listen to other posters about what the future might hold.

1. Are you in perimenopause/mental health difficulties because that really fucks with your decisions.

1. You can't both really love each other if your only experience of each other is in this situation. So any 'romeo and juliet' notions about how you could be together and happy forever if only x,y,z are based on pure fantasies. That's not to say you can't choose to pursue a relationship in the future, but you need to sort out your current situation first. Feeling like you are in love is just your brain being overidden by what's in your pants.

Good luck OP.

Edit- Mumsnet list formatting turns everything to 1!