Long marriage/relationship and getting the love back - can you?

[lilyrosemary]

Namechanged.

I would love some advice. Been with my DH a very long time, we are now in our late 40s.

On the face of it, we have lovely teenage kids and what would appear to many as a happy home. We have lots to be thankful for - but it's been a tough few years for various reasons, and during the rocky patch we had quite a few big rows and stressful times.

Fortunately, things have been better for a few months now, but I just feel a bit flat about 'us'. I am struggling to lose the resentment over how he behaved over certain things, and I suspect it might be the same for him tbh. We are generally irritable with each other, and I find myself closing myself off from him in so many ways.

Nothing terrible happened - no infidelity or anything like that - and I want to work on letting the resentment go and move forwards. But how?!

If you both resent some past resentments with each other, then talking them through together might help. Marriages go through patches.

But, it really depends oh how you feel about each other now.

I would say try counselling.

Resentment doesn't go away on its own and it will gnaw away and undermine forever if you don't address it. If you find you cant move past it, then it may be time to move on, but it sounds like you are keen to give it a try and at least you'll know you tried.

Ultimately do you want the marriage to continue? And does he? If the answer is no on either side you have a set of decisions. If the answer is yes, then maybe you both need to commit to counselling? Talk it all through and see where you are? Can you let certain resentments go? Can he? A third party who is impartial can really help tease this stuff out.

If you still love one another then yes I think you can but I also think it takes work. Dh and I married 26 years, dc left home and we now actively plan things to do. So we have a bucket list of places to go, near and far, go out to eat etc and it helps remind us of who we are now without dc around. It is so easy to become lazy with each other but although we are no longer loved up we are still loving, can have fun and enjoy being together. You have to just find these moments. We also support each other to do our own things and I enjoy time alone and then hearing about his adventures and vice versa. But long relationships really do take work i think.

Thanks for thoughts.

With counselling, I have had therapy myself in the past and know how enormously valuable it is. However, DH wouldn't be so comfortable with it - and I'm almost inclined to think we'd just be re-visiting all the stress.

We've spoken to each other about what we've found problematic in the past, so it's not really a case of needing to understand each other's perspectives more, if that makes sense. I'm more curious as to how we get past this flatness - it feels like we are both a bit burnt out and I am not sure how to recover it.

@mumonthehill - thanks. This is exactly the kind of advice I'm looking for. We have planned holidays and I try to plan nice things on a more day to day basis. But often, his grumpy mood will immediately make me think 'oh, sod this...' and I am back to square one in how I feel.

Think we are in the same boat tbh. Married 26 years. Some resentment, some boredom, unsure what we actually talk about now kids have flown. I don’t have answers, just sympathy.

"I am struggling to lose the resentment over how he behaved over certain things, and I suspect it might be the same for him tbh."

Do you want to forgive each other?

Sometimes, it's easier to blame the other for problems within a relationship and we just don't/can't acknowledge our own role, which may, even have been, a contributing factor.

If you have really strong foundations, you can most definitely overcome and heal, you'll both have to seriously commit to that though @lilyrosemary

It may depend on how committed, you both are, for re-energising and re-connecting, within your relationship.

If, however, you're both done and dusted and it's not worth the effort, then other decisions are necessary.

@rainandshine38 - it's hard, isn't it? I think we do still have a deep love for each other, and it would be crazy to throw all these years away.

But yes, I often do feel a little bored as well, and like I don't get a huge amount out of the relationship in terms of emotional support.

It depends how deep seated the resentments are and what they were about. Are they things you can get over or not? Are you the type to move on and let the past be the past?

If you've both been through big stressors, the flatness could be the aftereffects of burnout.

I understand your dislike of dredging up old issues in counseling but it sounds like you haven't moved past them and they're still impacting you now so it might be worth a revisit and see if you can reframe those incidents or just give your husband some grace that he fell short in some ways and so did you (unless we're talking something major like infidelity).

Get physicals and screening for depression. Spend time together doing things you both enjoy. Look at your shared goals. Do some of those need reevaluation and revision? Look at where you need changes. The big thing is communicate. That's why counseling can be so valuable, they can facilitate communication.

Don’t know but I am following as could have written your posts myself! (Except we’re early 50s).
my DP would want want therapy and would hate couples counselling.

@Alicorn1707 and @outerspacepotato - I do think we have strong foundations. I think it's more that there was a time where we were both stressed (a crap combination of work/financial/health/family issues over the course of a few years) and it took its toll on both of us.

I am not perfect, none of us are - but he would be the first to admit, he is far less capable with handling stress, and often takes his bad moods out on the rest of us. He certainly did over that time period.

Like I said, things are better... but I just can't seem to let it go and get back to where we were...

"Like I said, things are better... but I just can't seem to let it go"

It sounds as if, you've been angered, frustrated and disappointed, all rolled into one, by how he has reacted to the difficulties you were both facing.

It also seems as though you may have lost respect for him?

Do you want to let it go @lilyrosemary or do you really think you'll be unable to get past your feelings?

If you truly believe your marriage is salvageable, then it would be worth having a serious conversation about how you felt about his reactions/behaviour without attacking him directly.

It does, sometimes, feel like tip-toeing round the issues but words are powerful @lilyrosemary and diplomacy is far more effective in achieving your aims than a full on attack of someone's shortcomings.

I could have written your post too! I guess this is very common in long term marriages but whilst they need working at, there also has to be enough to look forward to together going forward.

Agree completely with a pp it's about making plans and making sure your longer term goals are still shared ones. Your foundations are strong and I wonder if you can start being gentle with eachother that it will become normal again for you both? It's sooo easy to get into a pattern of irritability with eachother when life is stressful 😔

For me, I know there's a strong desire for independence and my own space from thinking about other people. I also think menopause/manopause really comes into play at this stage in marriages - not wanting to put up with someone else's stresses, bad moods and habits any more!