How can I help DH

[BronzeHare]

I think this is going to be long but I’ll try and keep it as short as possible! DH and I are both early 40s, together 20 years with 2 kids 11 and 13. He works freelance in a job he says he enjoys, I do literally everything else. This set up was his idea, I did work full time in a job I enjoyed but was constantly burning out from doing all of the housework, childcare etc on top and rather than do his half he decided he would rather make the money and have me take over running our lives. It’s been this way for almost five years. I realise it was a mistake but at the time I was mentally unwell and desperate for anything to change.

The last couple of years have been very rough, his mum died suddenly in 2023 and his dad died almost a year ago, also unexpectedly. Another close family member on my side had a terrible battle with cancer (thankfully now in remission). My dad was diagnosed with a life limiting illness and had a heart attack. Our youngest is autistic and had to leave mainstream school and now attends online school at home, but this can be a struggle sometimes.

DH has struggled since his mum died with depression and general motivation. He has ADHD and while he’s medicated this honestly doesn’t seem to do much for him. This led to him not working as much as he should have been, but instead of talking to me about this he kept it hidden and used credit cards to fund our lives. He only told me when we had literally run out of money and lines of credit and he had nowhere else to hide. The inheritance we received from his dad repaid this so we’re now back on an even keel but I was so disappointed that we ended up in this situation. I would have happily gone back to work to help out financially and asked him several times if we needed me to do so, he kept saying we were fine. He is now working but he admits not as much as he should be.

Aside from this he’s just not participating in our lives. We sit in silence every evening, he sits up at night after I’ve gone to bed and stays asleep in the mornings. We don’t do anything at the weekends, we just sit in the house staring at the walls because everything is too much effort for him. He complains all the time about things that need to be done around the house but doesn’t do anything about them. If I try to do them without him to cheer him up this seems to make things worse because then he feels guilty. Once a month or so things come to a head and he has a day of shouting at everyone, refusing to speak and then outpouring about how bad he feels. After this he says he’s fine and the whole cycle starts again. I’ve tried to get him to talk to me about things but he won’t, I’ve suggested he talks to his best friend but he won’t, he refused grief counselling, went to one meeting for men to speak about their mental health then never went back.

My mum is now in hospital, she’s been in since Christmas and is very poorly. I’m terrified she isn’t going to survive and am obviously spending a lot of time with her. When I come home things are exactly the same, I am doing all the cooking and cleaning, he’s done a bit of washing but that’s really it. I am emotionally and physically drained. Last night he had another breakdown about the pressure that’s on him to make money and his inability to get on top of things and I just ended up sobbing. I can’t cope with all of this at once and childish as it sounds it’s just not fair. I have really struggled with my mental health in the past and when I did he wasn’t interested. When his parents were hospitalised he just disappeared for days on end (and rightly so) and I dealt with everything at home. Now I’m in the same position I feel like I’m having to pour so much into him and keeping things going here that I can’t focus on mum.

I want so badly to help him get better but I just don’t know how I can, and he won’t do anything for himself either so I don’t see how we won’t just be stuck like this forever. I’m also starting to feel really resentful that while I should be focused on my mum he’s making things about him and drawing so much of my energy. I know this is going to be really damaging for our relationship in the long run but I don’t know how to stop it.

I’m desperate and will try anything, if anyone has any suggestions please help me. Thank you if you managed to read this far!

I’m kinda blown away that rather than leaving this man who adds absolutely nothing to yours or your children’s lives, you are still trying to give more and more to help him. Do you ever put yourself first?

This is all too much OP - it would bring any family to its knees.

It sounds like your dh is clinically depressed, and no surprise there if so - I’m not a professional but I think it sound severe enough that he needs to urgently see a GP and ask for ADs. The adhd is only going to make it harder for him to get back on track and he needs help.

One of the comments that struck me was the minor point about listing out things that need fixing in the house but never tackling them. That’s depression for you - overwhelmed with the huge mountain to climb, and zero energy to even put one step forward. You can’t even sit in your house without feeling totally hopeless.

It sounds like he used to cope fine, but life has thrown too much at you all. Therefore if he can fix the depression he can start to tackle life again.

I would approach this one small change per day. Get up and take a walk in fresh air every morning. Make a small list of very simple achievable things with dh - he ticks them off as he goes along. Start with just today; then build up to today & tomorrow; then a list for the week. This starts to get him used to thinking ahead again without panicking. Could be easy things like ironing, or clean out the kitchen drawer or check the car tyre pressure. He needs small practical tasks to get him going.

also one question - If your mum is in hospital and you’re there in the daytime, who overseas your dc home-schooling? Is there a long term solution for that so you could get back to work

This!

Your partner is an emotional terrorist op.

He lost his mum and has been through a lot but enough is enough. It's 2026, 3 years on and he's doing nothing.

Tell him enough is enough already.

Id tell him that this is it, step up or leave. I would do nothing for him for the foreseeable.

I want so badly to help him get better but I just don’t know how I can, and he won’t do anything for himself either

Then you're not going to be able to help him. End of story.

Bluntly you're either going to need to just live like this or leave him (coming from someone who has been exactly where you are and left).

You’re with a selfish man child - who is using ADHD as an excuse.

You need to be asking what you can do for you and your children, not for him - he’s a grown up who can’t get his shit together and expects everyone to scaffold him.

You can only help your own self ultimately but you keep on pouring yourself into an empty cup. Unless he wants to help his own self there is nothing you can yourself do to influence that process.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is the point of you and he being together?. Something is going to give and it is most likely going to be you if this carries on; your whole family life situation is untenable.

Your youngest is being home schooled and that also puts strain on you.
And what about your eldest child in all this; what is that young person seeing at home?. What is that person going to remember the most about their childhood?. He or she is watching their entire family falling apart at the seams. Put you and your kids now front and centre in your thoughts going forward.

My Dh has adhd. When he’s depressed he has no motivation. It’s horrible. Feels like the house is stuck in stasis. Nothing gets done and he moans about how much he as to do.

When he’s better he’s fine.

Depression like this is overwhelming. At my worst I couldn't even get up from the sofa to pick something up from the floor. Taking a shower for example had to be broken down into tiny manageable steps. Complete each one before tackling the next. Step one - walk to the bathroom - tick. Clothes off - tick. And so on.

Calling a doctor for help was way beyond my capability but thankfully my DH eventually did so ( after months) . Anti depressants brought me back to life.

So, yes, I agree with pp that a (very) short list of 'do today' tasks might help but they must be manageable tasks or the overwhelm will kick in and you will both be back to square one. Also he might need to try different anti depressants.
I wish you both well. It's incredibly tough on both of you.

This sounds really hard OP and I’m so sorry, especially about your mum.

For now I’d focus on your mum as you don’t know how long she’s got left (and I really hope she recovers). Deal with your husband later, if you even want to. He’s not going to change or get better and I think you know that, so focus your energies where you know they are useful for now

Regardless of ADHD your husband is thoroughly selfish and doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Stop trying to help him. It’s one-sided.

• edited to add that I’m not bashing ADHD - my son and husband both have it and I suspect I do too (I’m already diagnosed autistic). Also not bashing depression - been there, taken the medicine. But this situation is too one-sided and OP is always the one who has to step up, at huge personal cost and without any acknowledgement or thanks from her husband, and that is not fair on her.

This all sounds lovely on paper but I don't agree that OP needs to add this to her list of ever-growing responsibilities. Where is she supposed to find time and emotional energy to make helpful lists for a man who doesn't want to help himself? All while her mum is dying.

No, never. I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for so long that I wouldn’t even know what putting myself first would look like, I’m forever just focused on what needs to be done.

My husband is working from home and overseeing our son’s school. It is not going well and he is falling behind on his work but any mention of this has DH throwing his hands in the air so at the moment I’m just trying to not stress too much. He’s 11, it’s not a crucial time education wise and anything he’s doing is more than he was getting when he wasn’t able to attend school at all. He’s bright enough to catch up where he needs to once things have settled a bit. Until he’s old enough and settled enough to get through a school day on his own I don’t think this would be a viable long term solution with things as they are, unfortunately.

You need to start now putting yourself first because he won’t and no one else will. Be tired of being the last one who matters here.

Such as well likely started in your own childhood. Did you for instance have to put a difficult parent first at your emotional expense?.

re your son and if you are specifically in England I would look into getting him back into a school with an EHCP plan behind him. He’s not far from secondary school education.

Your man clearly cannot cope with your youngest son being home schooled but you are somehow supposed to. You don’t have the luxury of throwing your hands up in the air like he does.

What is the point of you and he being together at all?.

Then maybe you should op. What do you want? He isn’t doing anything to help himself and that’s where his help comes from. All you can do is help yourself. I’d be spending my time with my mum if I were you, and if that means his washing and cooking for him doesn’t happen, that’s his problem.

Put yourself first OP - I’m sorry he’s depressed but that really doesn’t help you , he needs to acknowledge it, seek medication or therapy and accept he’s making life hard for you too - in the meantime if finances are one of the triggers I think as someone else said you need to look at other options for your child and sort out some employment - even if part time initially . If you end up splitting because he can’t sort himself out you would be in a better place to build on things -