Crushing on someone else😪

[BoundaryWithLipstick]

Not sure if 'relationship' is the correct category to post this, as there's no real relationship going on, except in my head🙈

To tell something about my background - woman from a conservative background, career woman, married and a mum of a toddler..

Married for almost 8 years, husband is a great guy, a very happy and bright child.. marriage is kind of great too, except the normal regular fights, arguments, making up etc..

DH has a really good friend.. he himself is married and father of a teen.. we have all met a couple of times, like family meets.. not one to one.. This guy is cool, very smart, very intelligent - profession wise ( intelligent guys are my type- that was the beginning point of chemistry with my DH too) and a great listener👀

Everytime he talks, it's like he actually talks to me, like he is really interested to talk to me, to know my views and opinions.. I knew (or may be I might've imagined) that he did steal some glances towards me while having an animated discussion last time we met a couple of weeks ago..

It's been weeks after this incident but he is living rent free in my mind😵😵 I keep thinking about him like I am a teenager..

This behaviour of mine is causing me distress and I am struggling as this is very antagonistic to the values I was brought up with..I feel like I am cheating.. irl I would never do anything to harm my marriage, but these thoughts.. exhilarating and distressing at the same time!

Has anyone gone through anything similar? How did you cope?😪

Hi OP, I can relate to your post so much. Been borderline obsessed with this bloody man for almost a year now with no end in sight. The guilt has driven me back to confession for the first time in many years; if it makes you feel any better, the priest tells me the guilt is good sign that my conscience is working. Please be kind to yourself.

I have received all the usual advice - avoid crush man if possible, at the minimum take care not to be alone with him, and look at your relationship to see areas where you might be unhappy (guessing the whole attentive listening/ interest in your opinion thing?).

Crushes are apparently very common in perimenopause, could this be the case for you?
Definitely is mine!

I am awake going through the same thing. I think im suffering with limerence. Gosh it's awful. I'm also married with DC's

I get that. When I found myself on the brink of an affair the crush backed off completely because I wasn't single.
PHEW! It really would have ended badly.

I think this is just a sign of something missing, hows your marriage? I had this (still do) DH is a good man, kind, considerate, not lazy in any way, but not very affectionate, like you I married DH because he’s extremely intelligent but I find myself mooning over someone who beams at me when I see them, not intelligence, just warmth. I think I’m missing that.

@BoundaryWithLipstick my long term relationship of the time didn't work. I felt incomplete.

For me it wasn’t about the person, it was about feeling seen and mentally stimulated. The thoughts felt exciting but also guilty, even though I’d never act on them. What helped was not judging myself, creating distance, and grounding back into my real life. Crushes happen actions matter.

I think this would be normal in most LTR's. Takes effort and honest communication from both sides to stop things becoming mundane. It happened to me and my LH at different times in the past. Neither of us acted on it, but the crushes do happen. Each time we realised it was because the shine in our relationship was dulling. Just general life stuff getting in the way, plus lack of variety in routine. We also realised because of this, we were neglecting each other a bit. Less frequent cuddling, romantic gestures, sex etc.
All it took was open and honest conversations about how we were losing the vibe and to change it up a bit (weekend away, road trip, day with friends) to reinvigorate our relationship.

I am a good bit older than you at 65 and I can honestly remember this phase very well . Its definitely a perimenopausal thing . I feel embarrassed now remembering a ridiculous crush I had at your age . I think its just the same as for teenagers . You have alot of hormones rushing through you to change your body and this causes the crushes . Dont be too hard on yourself .

Hi OP. No advice I’m afraid but I hear you. I wasn’t married at the time (had recently divorced) but the object of my then affection (ahem - obsession) was a Dad of a DC who used the same childminder as me - he was married and his DW was lovely.

We all became friends and to me he was the most handsome/ lovely man I had come across in a very long time. He’s all I thought about and we would constantly be bumping into each other at drop offs, in the local area etc. I didn’t enjoy bumping into him when we were alone (although obviously I did!) for all of the reasons you describe. We’d always have great chats.

It didn’t matter that I wasn’t married because he was and I would be never have considered anything happening even if he had shown signs (but he was such a lovely man of course he wouldn’t anyway - but he was so attentive) .

The worst point was when I broke down and his lovely wife sent her lovely husband out to pick me up! Of course he only went up in my estimation then. I had dreams about him!

The only way this stopped is my DCs finishing at the childminder and them moving house around the same time. I was almost relieved though a bit gutted at the same time.

In your shoes I guess the only thing you can do it make sure you are not alone with him and busy yourself when he’s around. Try and convince yourself he was only listening to you and being attentive as you are his good friend’s DW and he was just being polite.
Easier said than done. Good luck!!

I had a crush like that I was in my 20s with a toddler so not perimenopausal. I was flattered to be seen as me and not the mum of. At the time my relationship was strained with lack of sleep and parenting so having a good looking successful man be so nice to me made me feel seen, like pp said. I advise you to avoid this friend and do more things as a couple and for yourself to restore your identity and develop it beyond motherhood. Exercise as well really helps with racing thoughts. So i think the crush is escapism and an outlet from a boring and stressful life.