I have name changed but have been here a long time.
TW: sexual assault
My daughter turned 13 over Christmas. Today she is exactly the same age as me when I was sexually assaulted by a 50 year old relative.
I’m not coping well, I knew this day was coming up but thought it was at the weekend, just calculated and it’s today.
I loved this male relative. He gave me attention, I was definitely not getting any attention at home. He made me feel older, and sometimes I wore perfume when I knew he was coming. I thought I’d encouraged him, that I was asking for it, that I was to blame. I look at my daughter now, she’s so innocent, goofy, happy, still lines up her teddies and wants to play and be a kid. How could someone this young been to blame?
We were on a day out together, great to be away from the difficult home life for a few hours. He ran up behind me and forced his hands up my top onto my bare breasts. He pushed me over to the floor and tried to do more, I struggled and got free.
How could this be my fault? I just see my beautiful daughter being attacked and every bit of me wants to rescue her.
I had to pretend this had not happened, no one would care. I scrubbed myself raw in the shower that night.
The next day he came to visit and threw a bucket of cold water over me in the garden, yelling about it being a ‘wet t-shirt competition’. Utterly humiliated. Why would anyone want to sexualise a child like this?
I couldn’t tell my parents but several weeks later I confided in someone at school. It blew up quickly and I went from a fairly confident 13 year old to a terrified, hollow, and depressed shadow of who I was. I felt suicidal.
Some of the things that were said to me by parents / professionals:
You’re making this up.
I’m going to get him here now for you to apologise to him for saying this.
Our business is going to go bankrupt because of this (relative had some power over this)
You’re overreacting.
The police won’t believe you and even if you get to court we will tell them that you are a liar.
This would be a minor event if this had happened to an adult (no it wouldn’t, and I was 13).
You’re making this up for attention.
I was treated like I was a bad person. Rather than love and support I was met with disdain and made to feel like I was wasting their time. Professionals included. Much later found out that my mother was having some sort of relationship with him that continued even after I spoke up.
A kicker was when my mother died, my father said that I had shortened her life due to the stress I’d caused.
This has ruined my life. I have been hospitalised many times due to feeling suicidal. I always feel sad, I’ve tried therapy but it hasn’t worked. I think I was always wanting the therapist to support me and love me and tell me I mattered, not in a patient-therapist relationship but as something more. But of course that could never be.
I was late diagnosed autistic about 10 years ago. This has amplified my depression, I think of all the times I reacted in a certain way or was misunderstood. Maybe I could have been better helped if I and they knew I was autistic at the time and that I could articulate myself better.
I look again at my daughter and can’t imagine not wanting to protect her. How I would be beyond furious that someone had hurt her. I would pursue a conviction to the end of the world. I would hold her, and squeeze her tight and tell her that she is so loved.
I’m just heartbroken for the little girl I was. It’s really hit hard today.