Spouse diagnosed with bipolar in middle of divorce

[WorthyHelper]

Hi, please csn ibget some advice because my husband has been just diagnosed with bipolar disorder but we are in the middle of a divorce.

Were 35 and known esch other for 4 years and married for 1 year and separated for 1 year. At the start of the realtionship he was absolutelt amazing and ticked every single one of my boxes. We lived in different cities and bought a house 6 months into the marriage and we lasted 3 months there due intense arguments.

Hr has a very controlling mother and extreme financial anxiety so wouldnt file the divorce papers himself instesd making me do it even though ive always wanted to try and look for options to make us work.

He has for the last 9 months been intermittently coming back to the marital home to try and make things work but goes back to his mums after a few days even when we say we are giving things a go for another month. He ignores my solicitor who says the divorce is likely going to court.

He had a couple of paranoia espiodes just before our wedsing but the majkr trigger has been buying a house and moving in with me. He has now told me he cant handle a mortgage and cant handle living somewhere that is 1.5 hours from his work as he has a hybrid job. He proposed to me yesterday that either we continue with the divorce and be friends aftereards or we sell the house at a loss then rent somewhere else and his reasoning for wanting to rent rsther than live in the marital home is because he doesnt know if we will still be together in 1 3 5 or 10 years time and woukd rather lose 2 months rent in the situation where we split rather than lose another 50k on a house.

He is unrepresented, tells me he really doesnt wsnt to lose me and the reason he hasnt got a solicitor is because he still deep down loves me and wants to be with me. But wont live in the marital home with me because of his worries over financial anxiety with the mortgage (he grew up in poverty) and the location of the house. We are tied to this area because of my work for 2 years more after which i offered to move but he is still unsure and reluctant because he feels the safety in the marriage has gone.

Every time i try to move forward and get strong I get left with a huge void and indescribable grief. My life is worse off without him and I miss him dearly. Apart from the trouble with his mental health there is a lot of good about him but I really struggle with his inconsistency which makes me feel less secure and more anxious in the relationship. I need stable security but cant get over the grief of this man who is my family and i feel at 35 ill never meet anyone again that ticks the initial boxes the way he did or match me in the way that he did.

I want a future where i can focus on my csreer, have children and have a happy srbale marriage. For the longest timw it has been kmagined with him but im in a bit of shoco over his diagnosis and now dont know what tondo with the divorce and financial negotiations. Weve previously tried couples counselling last january for 3 hours and it didnt work and his mum told me in the past he has suffered with depression and didnt respond well to therapy.

Over rhe last 9 motnhs he has put me through hell tbh. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. My own mental health has suffered severely and my self esteem. I dont knkw if i can withstand a lifetime of the push and pull and feel ill lose my career if i carry on in the push pull cycle as well as lost finances as he doesnt contribute proportionally.

Can anyone please give any advice as to whether from the outside in it is worth giving it a final go befote the divorce court orders or calling it a day because above all this is the man who was the centre of my life the love of my life but he is unwell. I desperately want to stay with him but I dont know how to make it work but he is now commiting to taking tablets and therapy but i dont knkw how long therapy will last when hes prebiosuly had issues with it...

Same advice as on your yesterday's thread.

Thank you. Its just very apinful as i thought the tablets snd the therapy would help our relatuonship issues and amke this more stable so i could find a waynforward. It just feels so terrifiyinf to be ledt in this position really.

You got married after 2yrs to a man you hadn’t lived with before? That’s how I’m reading the timeline? Then bought a house 90mins away from his work because of your job?

Is this his first time on antipsychotic medication? If so it can take a while to work properly and he may not have found the right formula for him.

I completely understand that. I just think you are looking for us to support your decision to stay and we are probably not going to do that. From the outside this all looks rather grim and if you want to go ahead and stay with him, sell your house and hope for meds to fix your marriage then you don't need our permission to do so.

Get out get out get out. You cannot be contemplating having a baby with this man. Do not do that to your child.

With respect three hours of therapy isn't going to work for anyone, like medication it can take months and months to start being effective. If "well we tried for three hours and it didn't work" is his attitude to couples therapy I don't see how his attitude to medical intervention and therapy for his bipolar disorder is going to be any different. You can't just take tablets for a few weeks, do a couple of therapy sessions and you're cured - it's a lifelong disorder that needs lifelong management and commitment.

You also can't entirely blame his disorder for his behaviour. The way he's treated you and behaved is abysmal. This isn't "the love of your life" this is someone that you rushed into commitment with while the rose coloured glasses were firmly on. If the moment you moved in together your relationship started falling apart due to arguments, there's nothing to save.

Yes it is a cultural thing rhst cohabitation is not tje norm before marriage which i woll mkst definitelt never repeat in mt life again. He had a hybrid job in his city where hed travel an hour to work esch eay but we bought the house in my hometown which is 1.5 hours each way. As a compromise i supported him staying at hisnmums for the firsr half of the week so he didnt do much of the commute at all in the months we lived together

It s not going to get better.
You maybe met him.on his high but have seen the down.
He may or may not get stable on meds.
But you barely know him.
Just leave.

Personally I would put things in standby mode for the moment while he gets the dosage of his medication right and sign up for couples counselling.

I think you have many big issues that you need to work through together but you also have some big decisions to make. One big question is do you want kids? What would home life for kids be with a father suffering from anxiety, bipolar and prone to verbal and emotional abuse. Often times these things can pass on to the children - my father and his siblings all have mental health issues as did their mother and as does one of my brothers. It may be medication helps these issues, I think they do for the majority but they also may not. I've also found within my own family that people sometimes take themselves off medication when they feel better and then the issues reoccur and health care professionals need to get involved. My dad was hospitalised when he took himself off medication and also when the dosage and type of medication was wrong.

If I was you and I was seriously consider staying with this man I would speak to a therapist together and on your own. Personally having grown up with a father with mental health issues I have decided that I am selfishly not strong enough to get on that rollercoaster and give my life to caring for someone else.

Ignoring your own feelings the fact is your husband is not in a place of good enough and stable mental health to make significant decisions.

He needs to commit to getting well and that will take months - maybe years to accomplish.

This needs to be his priority and the pressure of maintaining a relationship, a move and mortgage is precisely the opposite of what is helpful right now.

I'd proceed with the divorce as it will separate you financially from him as well as make you not responsible for any debts or other problems he may incur. If you want to continue a relationship with him after the divorce, that's up to you. We have friends who divorced because of the husband's financial irresponsibility but have always lived together and 'hold out' as husband and wife. She just didn't want to end up in debt because of his idiocy like she did before.

I dated a man with bipolar back in my youth. When it was good it was great, when it was bad it was awful. His lows were so low and he became so needy that it completely drained me. And his highs were so high that I was often left exhausted by his need for constant activity. I ended it after about a year. I daresay that medication has improved since the late 70s though so perhaps the swings can be controlled better than back then.