Help staying strong with a narcissist.

[Starlightsprite]

Sorry if it sounds robotic, condensing this isn’t easy.

I have been in a relationship with a covert narcissist for more than 12 years. I know the term gets over used but I genuinely believe he is a narc, I only really realised about 3-4 years ago, prior to that I just couldn’t understand why we couldn’t get along a lot of the time, or work things out when we had argued. I spent so much time saying to myself ‘I can’t possibly be wrong here.’ And asking on forums anonymously if I was wrong about a particular situation and some people could see it was a small part of a huge issue but I was so focussed on the individual things) Invariably I would be told by 90% of people that he was wrong and that I had to get rid but I still wondered if I had explained things in a way that was biased towards me etc. I spent years completely confused about why he couldn’t see things that were as plain as day to me. I could literally have had a recording of him saying something and he would claim he hadn’t said it (that’s an exaggeration but not far off) so I think I was probably a bit confused for the longest time. We have two children under 10 and I have two children from a previous relationship - one is mid 20’s and settled in own home. One is 20 and stays with their partner 100% of the time for the last 3 months or so and before that stayed there about 70% of the time for roughly a year. I will explain that a little more later. I didn’t recognise any of this before we had children, I thought that I was incapable of a calm relationship to be honest, I thought it was me (and accept some if it maybe is) it’s only as I’ve read more about narcissism that I realise that I never stood a chance. I’m upset with myself for not getting out of this relationship when it would have been easier. To defend myself slightly, my parents had an awful relationship so I never saw what a healthy relationship should look like, I left home at 19 and had a baby and when that relationship ended 13 years later that ex was very angry and caused me quite a lot of distress which went on for years so I was always dealing with that as well which I think clouded my judgement (I know I should have done better, I know better really, I’m not an uneducated person).

When I entered the relationship I had a home that was paid for so no rent or mortgage payments. Since then we have moved to a larger house and again, it was paid for by me and it is my name on the deeds with no rent or mortgage payments. So my OH has never had to pay rent or mortgage (straight from his Mums to me - I know, stupid!) The problem is that I want to leave this relationship and have wanted to for quite some time. We kind of keep muddling through and making up after we’ve fallen out and I hate myself for it because it’s often me that just starts speaking normally, I don’t want to live in a home where I am having to ignore someone or be rude etc. And then he’ll start acting as if we are still together and it just sort of starts the cycle over again. Our biggest problem is that he cannot afford to buy or rent. He is quite a low earner (average for round here) but has no savings. He has parents that he claims to hate (although he hasn’t cut them off for some reason and they visit us weekly, I don’t mind them at all) so he says he can’t go there. I have pushed him to leave before and he stayed in his car or stuck hotel rooms on his credit card so I know he won’t go there even if he’s desperate and most if the time he’s just asked to come and stay in the sofa and then when I relent it all starts again. I have basically told him I don’t want to be in a relationship with him but it’s just the same pattern over and over again. I need some help to stay strong this time. I am not going to make him homeless but I need to stop feeling like I have done something wrong. It’s not my fault that he can’t afford to leave, of course our finances have become entangled over the years but surely he has to be responsible for his own decisions to not save money knowing if we split he has no house to go to. I hate living like this, I hate the atmosphere and I hate that he will never ever see that he has been so lucky and hasn’t been fair. I think he has emotionally abused me in a covert and slow manner. He still says things like ‘why should you come out on top?’ Or ‘you’ll not be happy until I’m living in a car and have got nothing.’ But literally all I want is to separate. I don’t actually want to see him with nothing but I don’t feel I owe him financially. I pay the council tax, the TV license, the energy bill, the house insurance, the grocery bill, water rates. He pays the broadband, Netflix and for all our mobile phones. He had something pretty expensive delivered today that he ordered before this recent event and it’s a reminder that he should have been more sensible! This man has watched me get up with our children while he sleeps in for 8 years eve when I’ve been working full time. He’s never done even 10% of the childcare or housework or booking of / taking to appointments. Hes openly racist and homophobic! He hid that well until we were enmeshed. Of course he would never show this at work because narcs are sly. The amount of times I’ve wished he would slip up at work so someone would see what I see but it doesn’t really matter I’ve come to realise. He’s never even been to a kids party with me! I have acted annoyed, angry and explained how all these things are unfair until I’m blue in the face and it’s made no difference. If you asked him if he takes the kids to bed he would say ‘sometimes’ but I have been making notes and he hasn’t since April 2025. If I complained about an imbalance he would say ‘I put the bins out’ but the truth is I bring them back in every single time and also put them out occasionally and he asks
me every week which bin it is so even that isn’t his job. I have to make notes for everything or record him so that I don’t misremember because he tries to gaslight me (I genuinely think he believes what he’s saying). He claims he used to go to the gym twice a week when the kids were small but I started writing down the dates and it was 4 times a week, I could read the dates to him and he would say I’m wrong. He has a classic narc trait of being really loud. I recorded him last night squashing an empty water bottle over and over for about 45 seconds, then singing, whistling, clapping etc bearing in mind we’re not really speaking. He didn’t start work until 10.30 today but instead of getting up to see the children (god forbid he take them to school) he got up after they had left at 8.40am - don’t most people want to do little things like that when they don’t get the chance very often. I’ve mentioned it many times when he’s been able to go to their special assemblies but chosen to stay in bed and he acts remorseful but does the same things when it comes around again. He’s disliked my son so immensely (once he started to look like a man and became messy and well, teenage which isn’t easy) that he doesn’t even feel comfortable in his own home. The irony is that every single thing that’s out of place in our house belongs to him. I looked around earlier and realised it would be like a show home if his stuff wasn’t everywhere. The audacity to be angry at my child for being messy when he is so messy.

I need help, why do I feel the need to avoid this period? Why does it make me so anxious, I know he’s a shit partner and not a very good parent actually (until we have these periods and all of a sudden he’s asking how appointments with the kids went when he usually even forgets they’ve had one) Am I conflict avoidant? How do I stop myself trying to avoid this? I know that actually I need this all to play out in order for him to realise it’s over and that he is the one that needs to leave, even if that is crap for him (and I do feel bad about that) I need to stay a bit angry so that I am not sad or trying to be friendly and go back to the beginning. I untimely want him gone, I want peace. If anyone has ever been through something similar please do help me. I’m struggling.

Oh my goodness OP I feel so sorry for you. You are falling back because you sound kind hearted and he is using that to manipulate you. Let him live in his car. It’s not his only choice. He has his parents, he could’ve saved. It’s just nicer and easier for him to stay in the car a few nights then come back rent free to yours. Wouldn’t have a man a day in my house that didn’t get in with my kids. Haven’t read it myself but was recommended a book “let them theory.” Worth educating yourself on narcs. Zero contact usually recommended and probably worth getting some help as narcs are very manipulative and having been together a long time, he likely knows you well and what works.

Thank you for that. I haven’t read the book but I did remember when I started thinking ‘let him.’ I must have heard it somewhere, it was before I knew he was a narcissist. I had spent a lot of time explaining to him how he should be behaving (ridiculous I know) and then after he had a bit if a wandering eye on social media I just decided I couldn’t be bothered anymore and started following that mantra. I have learnt to grey rock a lot because he used to have me so upset and confused I would react angrily and then he would use that against me, I’m always shouting, he’s walking on eggshells etc. I’ve since realised it’s called reactive abuse. I’ve gotten really good at not reacting but I think the downside of that is that I don’t want the inevitable blow up that has to come because I’ve avoided any strong emotions. I know it’s not healthy to be the way I am. I doubt I would even be able to navigate a normal relationship because the strategies I use to cope are so weird (they’re what the psychologists recommend but they’re not suitable for healthy relationships) I don’t want to hear all those things about myself because I know 95% of them aren’t true or are things he pushed me to 10 years ago and that I worked on when he brought them up. He has everything so warped in his head. He said to me yesterday ‘I’m still trying and you’re not.’ To a normal person I could have said ‘you’re trying to kiss me and tell me you love me, you’re not trying to be a fair or equal partner, there’s a difference.’ But I can’t because it would lead to an awful character assassination when inside I know wanting to break up with someone isn’t the end of the world or cruel. I haven’t cheated. All I’ve done is be in a position where I have had enough and I have somewhere to live and he doesn’t. I will check the book out, thank you.

Edited to add: the situation with my son was hard to navigate because he did something really selfish and lied about it and some of my partners things did get damaged (apparently) so I did understand why my partner was angry as was I. He was also messy to the point things were damages and needed decorating several times (it was bad) I did ask in here at the time and a lot of people thought my son’s behaviour was bad enough to ask him to leave (I didn't but things were sour between us) but yes, I should have been stronger. In some ways I wish my son would come back because my partner (ex) did say last time he was here that he couldn’t cohabit with him, I responded that he should do what he thinks is right and he went out but ended up coming back and barely speaking to me because I hadn’t asked son to leave. If my son came back it may push him to leave but it’s not fair on my son to have that responsibility so if he comes then fine but I won’t be asking him to.

Does this post end?

It’s long because my mental health is in the toilet, sorry that offends you. You can just scroll on you know?

Yeah just scroll on, that’s unnecessary

I totally understand you. Your post is long and there is so much because living with a narcissist makes you cycle and remain confused about things others would see clearly. Look into narcissistic abuse. Really learn. The more you read the better you understand. This will help with the confusion. They are committed to misunderstanding you and ensuring you believe you just don't explain yourself properly. Resolution and repair is not their aim. Keeping you confused and ensuring communication is entirely centred around you being held up like you're in a court of law and defending yourself is the rules of the game. And if they can't be right they won't be wrong. There is no reality for them, there is what they can deny, twist or evade and your empathy and kindness allows them to succeed. The only way you escape this is to refuse to play the game. And as healthy honest communication, reality and repair are not their aim, the only escape is no contact or communication. Which is why this is always advised.
They cause trauma bonds, cognitive dissonance and actual chemical impacts which we become addicted to, physiologically.
Think of this, every thing is a tactic to extract what they want and control the narrative and environment. So, kind acts, tactic, intimacy, tactic, cruelty, tactic, lies, tactic. And most of all, promises to change, normally come when you have finally decided to leave. Why, because this regains control and extracts your empathy and desire to believe in them. Then the cycle starts again. Don't see this person as a relationship and lover and partner. See a cycle and your place in that cycle. It is brutal and outside the realms of what humans can understand. So it is like understanding infinity and then organising your life around it and making life changing decisions around that.
Just trust in your intuition. Not what they have planted and manipulated. Think of yourself as the little girl you were. What would you do to protect her? What decisions would you make to keep her safe and happy? Then do that. Forget what they said, see what they do. Compare, do you feel this confused with others. I used to feel driven to record him arguing because he made me feel crazy. I used to wish there was a neutral party their to mediate. Why, because i knew someone else would believe me and I would make sense. But you are dealing with someone who doesn't want to deal in sense and logic.
Anyway, I am here if you need to talk. I am 2 months into no contact and have been managing the grief and confusion that this type of abuse causes. It is multi layered and complex. There is a mental and bodily process of leaving. But I will stop now, but hope this makes sense and helps you.

It makes perfect sense to me. When the penny dropped that this is what he is it made me feel slightly better because I couldn’t get my head around how I could be a person with what some would call a successful life before him. A responsible job where communication has to be good, a family that care about me and people who would describe me as fun and want to be around me. Yet, to him I am forgetful and cruel and turn his kids against him (I’m none of those things) I have read a lot but every day I see traits that I don’t know about so I’m still learning. There no option to go no contact I’m afraid because of our children and I don’t even know if he’ll leave, I need to stay strong enough to say I don’t want him to see if he realises he needs to do something. I feel the exact same - I wish someone was there to hear him. So that they can say ‘what are you talking about you idiot?’ But then I tell myself I don’t need anyone to validate me. I’ve dropped hints with his family because I’ve got sick of hiding it, his Mum did say that he’ll never change so I wonder if he’s shown signs of this all his life. He calls her a narcissist! I have considered walking away from my home, if this weren’t my house I would be gone. Last year I almost moved into my Mums empty house (she’s sold it now) and left him in my house because that’s how desperate I am to be out. But I can’t afford rent or a mortgage on my own and why should I have to? I own a bloody home! He convinced me not to, said he would leave and he did for about 2 weeks and then the ‘can I please stay on the sofa I’ve run out of money.’ started and I just am not strong enough to make someone homeless and hear all the things about me. I think I might need some therapy, have you had any? I wish I didn’t exist sometimes but then I remember I have a disabled child that needs me. I’m half you’re out, I’m proud of you. I wish I had more money so I could just give it to him and get rid but even when I offered him £10,000 he said it wouldn’t even help once he had run out! His entitlement is unreal and I won’t qualify for any support before I have this home. I don’t think most people understand what a narc is like.

Don't be an absolute dick.

OP, counseling is really important. You get convinced you're insane by these arse holes. There will be many challenges navigating things after a divorce with someone like this. When they're covert, people also don't believe you which is another blow.

I have counseling and within a few minutes it was obvious to the counselor what I'm dealing with. People in typical life don't get it.

You've been brainwashed so you doubt everything. That takes a long time to overcome especially if you are in contact with them still.

Thank you. I’m going to ring a counsellor tomorrow. I need to speak to someone. I used to tell my Sister about it but it’s too much for someone else to hear really and not fair when I haven’t managed to get rid of him. How many times can you expect someone to listen?