Hi all, really need some advice asap please, this weekend has been awful and it’s affected my mental health really bad. Want to know if the way I feel is valid and just some support as I feel like I’m destroying my relationship. It’s a long one but please read 😔
Bit of an insight. I’ve been with my current partner for a year and a half, it’s a long distance relationship and we don’t live together but he comes and stays at mine some weekends. I was recently diagnosed with bpd and also suffer with stuff like anxiety etc and have trust issues due to past relationships. Bad combo as it means I need a lot of reassurance, attention, over analyse things and can over react to little things making me seem “emotional”…I feel like I’m going crazy and that I only feel the way I do because of my bpd and that I should brush things under the carpet, or maybe the way I feel is valid? 😕 the things I’m going to mention happened over the weekend but have also been happening for a while.
This weekend me and my partner went to a hotel for his birthday…something I picked up on was that I always want to take loads of pictures of us together or even of my partner but he never really takes pictures of the both of us, instead he’ll ask me to take pictures of just him or he’ll take solo selfies, on the odd occasion he may take one of me…I then glanced over at my partners phone while he was on ‘Snapchat’ and saw he’s subscribed to a lot of girls…I’ve told him before I don’t like it as he’s basically added them but they’ve not added him back and he’s now “subscribed”, which to me feels like fan behaviour, he can only view the pictures or stories they post. I don’t understand the need for it, if you’re in a relationship why do you need to subscribe to a load of attractive girls and view their posts I find it off putting (not sure if I feel like this due to bpd or if it’s valid). He previously told me he’d remove them but he’s clearly not, when I confronted him about it he started nervously smiling and told me that one of them was his cousin and that most of them are from ages ago but I still feel off about it.
After our stay at the hotel we went back to mine, we ordered food and when it came he went downstairs to collect it, his phone was on the bed but it was locked. I’ve never looked at his phone or had access to it and it may be bad but something was telling me to look, as I’ve done so in a previous relationship and found out they were cheating on me. I tapped the screen and saw loads of notifications and messages from his friends and two from girls. One was just a suggestion for a girl he may know on social media but the other one was a message from a girl. Just another insight he wanted to know the password to my phone and goes on it sometimes when I’m out the room to check my social media etc or even uses my phone for things, but he doesn't give me access to his phone and he doesn’t let me on it. When he came back upstairs I was physically shaking and couldn’t hide that something was wrong I genuinely felt like I was going to throw up, so I confronted him about it. Once again he started nervously smiling, he was more bothered about the fact I looked at his Lock Screen (baring in mind what I said about how he sometimes looks at my phone) he was really irritated that I had checked his notifications and said he can’t believe I did that and not to do it again. I mentioned how he has access to my phone and looks on it but he said it’s different because he’s a man so he’s allowed. He said the girl who messaged him is another one of his cousins. This probably is true, he has a large family and tons of cousins, I don’t want to think the worst but I’m anxious as I’ve been through something like this before. He told me the message his “cousin” sent is from days ago and it was them saying happy birthday I asked him to show me the time of the notification, by this point he was really irritated and I practically begged him to show me, in that moment I just really needed reassurance as I was overthinking. The time of the notification was Saturday morning (not long before he arrived at my house to go to the hotel) rather then a few days ago like he’d said, looking back I was probably over thinking but the timing made it seem like he was messaging them up until he came to see me. He told me they must’ve messaged him again on Saturday but he didn’t see.
It probably is his cousin, it’s really difficult when you have bpd as my minds constantly thinking the worst and I don’t know if I’m over analysing everything or if it’s a general concern. It’s not usually this bad but I feel like all the little things that have bothered me have suddenly blown up. I feel horrible, like I’ve ruined his birthday weekend, I made the whole mood go down and I got upset and cried. Once he left to go home I felt even worse as I overthink everything and wish I just didn’t say anything, I didn’t want him to leave as now I feel even more anxious like I’ve ruined our relationship.
Before he left we started to have what felt like an argument but it was just me trying to express how I feel and seek reassurance. When I first started seeing him he had girls he’s friends with that he’d sometimes speak to, he also admitted he’d compliment them, if they posted a picture then he’d sometimes reply to it and say they look good. I told him from the start I don’t like that as he doesn’t even compliment me, yet he compliments girls he’s friends with, even if the girls aren’t single I still feel funny about it and i personally don’t like the thought of my partner having female friends. To this current day my partner honestly doesn't compliment me even if we go out and I dress up or if I was to post a picture of myself I get zero compliments, yet he admitted to complimenting girls he’s friends with which makes me feel incredibly insecure and unappreciated (is this valid?). He told me previously he doesn't talk to them anymore but today when I bought it up he said he still has friends that are girls and can talk to them here and there and he’s adamant that because he’s a “man” it’s okay and that it would be wrong if it was the other way round and I had guy friends. I really don’t like the thought of him having girl friends especially as he may compliment them sometimes. I asked him if he’d be okay with his sisters husband messaging girl friends and complimenting them sometimes and he said no, yet he does it to me.
I also believe I'm not my partners typical type, I told him this today and he said he finds me attractive. I’m generally very insecure as I’ve unintentionally lost a lot of weight and become quite skinny and I’m terrible at doing my makeup, I don’t post pictures of myself as I’m not photogenic. Maybe me not receiving compliments from him doesn't help but I also see him looking at girls that are his “type” quite a lot…I know everyone looks at people of the opposite gender that they may find attractive but there’s a difference between taking a glance and fully looking at them up and down, staring at them until they’re no longer in your view. There’s been times where my partners been driving around or we’ve been out, I’ve seen a girl that’s his “type” and I know he’s going to stare at her before he even does, the minute he spots them he won’t take his eyes off them until we’ve driven/walked past, I may overthink but there’s no denying he’s eyeing them up. This obviously makes me feel more insecure and kinda makes me feel like I’m not good enough, feel like I need to look more like his “type”.
I’ve also realised that he doesn’t really go out of his way to message me, it seems like it’s always me messaging first. You may say he’s busy and I know he’s working most the time but the minute I message him to say how are you etc he’ll respond straight away or there’s even days where I’ve messaged first and thought he was sleeping as I’ve not heard from him and he says he’s just chilling in bed, so it genuinely feels like he’s just sitting waiting for me to message first. When we message the conversation can be rather flat and he doesn't give me much to work with I feel like I’m the one trying to come up with more conversation.
To sum it up my bpd and anxiety is really starting to take a toll but then again I think I have valid reasons to feel some kinda way? I think I'm more into him than he is to me, when I love someone I tend to love them extremely hard anyway. I’m not sure if I’m asking for too much but I’m starting to feel like…I’m not good enough, he’s not fully attracted to me, he doesn't love me, he may not be serious, basically feel signs of rejection. Don’t get me wrong we genuinely get on extremely well, honestly never dated anyone where I’ve had a connection like this before and that feelings mutual. We can be goofy around each other and do things other people may find “cringe”, we have the same banter and mindset to the point we say things that the other ones thinking or message each other the same thing at the same time, we can talk about stuff most couples would find awkward talking about. Our sex life is really really good as well and when I’m with him in person it’s always good vibes, it’s just these little things I’ve started realising that’s putting me down and ended up causing an argument today and I’m terrible at dealing with the aftermath of arguments.
Ngl one thing I do HATE is how he thinks because he’s a man certain things are okay for him to do but aren’t okay for me (women ) to do such as him having friends of opposite genders, him having access to my phone, him being allowed to be out with his friends late (not that I have friends or go out anyway) and a few more things I can’t think of right now. I’ve tried talking sense into him but it’s something he strongly believes in and he mentioned how if a guy has sex with a girl they get praised but the girl will get called names for it, I guess trying to show how certain things are ok for men and not women. I told him it gives me Andrew Tate vibes and he got offended and said he’s not saying women belong in the kitchen but there’s certain things that are only ok for men. A relationship is about respect, boundaries and it works two ways…if he thinks it’s wrong if I have guy friends then how am I supposed to like him having girl friends, he doesn't understand…I even told him I had a guy I use to be friends with try to add me on social media but I declined, he said good, yet he’s still got girls he’s friends with.
If you made it this far thank you, ended up being way longer then I thought but as you can see there’s a few issues that are starting to effect me and trigger my bpd/anxiety in my relationship and after our argument last night (we don’t really argue) I’m left feeling on edge and anxious I’ve messed things up and he may leave me. The points I made are they valid or is it really just my mental issues?