Being yourself. What is normal in a committed relationship?

[Whistlingmyrtle]

Interested in what the hive mind thinks about this. I’m ND, married a while, and it’s not the sort of thing you can discuss easily in rl.

Generally speaking, the ideal relationship is characterised as one in which you can “be yourself” and you don’t have to put on an act and you feel comfortable letting it all hang out! And that’s certainly how I feel with my dh. He has seen me at my absolute worse and still is supportive and sticks by me.

In a long term partnership, your partner sees your flaws, you see theirs, and hopefully you still love one another.

But how far do you let this go?

For example, although my dh and I have conversations about his work, which is very stressful, and he does share some of his concerns, I know he also protects me from the worst of it.

Likewise one of my siblings is liked and respected by everyone because she is very selfless and hardly ever complains or shares a worry. She almost always is the one who puts a positive spin on things and encourages others. A lot of people depend on her.

So to what degree are you supposed to be independent and self-contained within a relationship? When should you keep your problems to yourself? Most of the time?Sometimes? Never?

To what extent do you share your inner life, warts and all, or not?

I realise that it’s a bit of a “how long is a piece of string” question?!

My partner and I tell each other if we're looking for comfort or a solution – i.e. if we just want to have a good whinge or if we need help solving a problem. Before we hit on this it used to get frustrating if we didn't know what the other wanted. Generally there's no off limit topics.

That’s a good tip thanks! Definitely hard to tell sometimes! My dh is definitely the “try to fix” type.

There is no “normal” each relationship will be different depending on the preferences of the couple.

My DH and I communicate really well and discuss pretty much everything. I have friends who are happily married who keep things much more closed off.

I think a lot of this comes down to your individual mindset, if you’re an introvert/extrovert, glass half full/empty etc.

I see it play out where in long term relationships, people can become very fixed in their ‘role’ in the relationship, which can lead to resentment and statements of ‘You always do…’

You should be able to express yourself to your partner, communicate and feel supported. You should also do the same in return for them. But when the balance of the scales mean it is constantly one way traffic, one party is continuously seeking support as a default setting, that can become very draining for anyone to live with.

Edited: this is a reply to SmileyMoonset and Itsonlyhobnobs

Thank you. I can see it is very dependent on how each couple interacts and the different personalities involved.

And I can also see that having a good balance is important so no one feels exploited.

I find it interesting because in past relationships I suppose I was the one who offered more support but in my marriage it’s the other way around. I just don’t want to become complacent.

I think as long as you keep limes of communication open and make it clear within the relationship that you can discuss anything you don’t actually have to discuss everything.

Lots of people will work in jobs where they can’t discuss specifics of their day because of confidentiality, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask how was your day? It just means that they might tell you how the day felt not what they actually did.