Tell me that leaving isn’t going to be as horrendous as I think?

[Limpbiscuits]

Utterly miserable relationship. Together 20 years, it’s been shit for the last 5 and utterly unbearable for the last six months, he’s an alcoholic and a gaslighting narcissist to boot.

But I’m too scared to leave. I’m worried about money and how on earth I afford to go it alone. And we’d have to live together until the house sells which could take months or years! I’m worried he might try and claim ownership of my dogs out of spite. I am worried he will make life unbearable and I have nowhere to go (I can’t afford to rent). And I don’t know how I’ll juggle it all anyway, working insane hours and trying to manage the dogs alone on top (we don’t have DC together fortunately).

Please tell me that leaving isn’t as awful as I’m making it out in my head.

That sounds awful. Please speak to women's aid for guidance and a lawyer.

womensaid.org.uk

Yes, shit hot lawyer time.

Start mentioning that the dogs have been unwell and may need treatment you've read is expensive.

Can you get a better paid job?

Endings always feel difficult - even when they're wanted endings.

Have you done a budget? If you set up a spreadsheet and actually write down all the numbers it will be easier to identify exactly where you stand and what changes you can make.

What hours do you work? Why are they "insane"?

Paying a dog walker is one option.

But I’m too scared to leave.
It's fine to be scared but that is when you reach out for support. Women's aid, your GP, Citizens Advice, one off consultation with a solicitor etc. Talk to those who will understand your fear and even if they can't help they can certainly point you to those who can.

I’m worried about money and how on earth I afford to go it alone.
Look up to see if you qualify for UC or other benefits. Citizens Advice would help you with this part. You will also be eligible to single persons discount for council tax, plus you will consume less electric, water, food etc without him. Halved in fact! If he likes sport subscriptions and you don't then that's even less money to find.

And we’d have to live together until the house sells which could take months or years!
Find out your rights from a solicitor so you can shoot down any ridiculous claims by X. If he refuses to sell then a Judge can force the sale. X needs to know that if he tries to be a funny bugger.

I’m worried he might try and claim ownership of my dogs out of spite.
Are they microchipped and whose name is that registered under? See if you can get that sorted before starting the leaving process. Otherwise pp suggestion regarding "future" vet bills is worth a thought, he might be willing to transfer them to you. Or talk about a brilliant pet insurance plan but only if they are under your name. "Ohhhhh what a shame they aren't we could save sooooo much"

I am worried he will make life unbearable and I have nowhere to go (I can’t afford to rent).
UC might be able to help with rental costs. Contact citizens advice. Failing that could you look into being a lodger short term until you are more settled? Cinnamon Trust will help with the dogs during a process of upheaval. Send them an email to find out what they can offer.

And I don’t know how I’ll juggle it all anyway, working insane hours and trying to manage the dogs alone on top (we don’t have DC together fortunately).
Break it down into small steps and deal with it that way. Otherwise it will seem insurmountable and you will freeze. Would a friend help with the dogs? If you become a lodger then maybe the landlady would help. A dog walker or friends dog-mad teenager?

Please tell me that leaving isn’t as awful as I’m making it out in my head.
It is difficult. It can be hard. But my goodness it's wonderful on the other side and so worth it!

He's already making your life unbearable OP - while leaving is hard, finding your freedom on the other side is worth it. As others have said, speak to Women's Aid and Citizens Advice and make a plan - don't say anything to him until you have a plan to leave safely. It will be worth it, I promise. You deserve to live peacefully in a safe place - keep your eyes on that objective.

Someone said if I can be lonely and miserable with him I can be lonely and miserable without him. Just think of the freedom, not walking on eggshells.
Go for it OP it’s absolutely worth it and if you prepare for the worst/hope for the best then you should be ok - just be really really careful how you manage him and his precious feelings - take loads of advice before you do or say anything to him.

we’d have to live together until the house sells

why? Is this normal?

Unknown is always scary.

Current situation is known, if you commit to next 20 years of the same - does that scare you less?

As suggested, break everything down into smaller steps and find out facts about things that worry you.

You might find that once you start the process, hope for better things ahead will give you motivation and energy to carry on.

You’ll have bad days, of course. One advice- don’t try to numb the pain with alcohol or getting into new dubious relationships. That is a waste of time and energy.