Am I undateable?

[Throwanon]

I’m 29 and have been single my entire life. It’s not a looks thing, but my mindset. Throughout my life, I have had the attention but just have no desire to pursue anything bar a few dates.

It basically started off as generally being insecure when I was a teenager/not wanting to get hurt - then being independent and career focused after university. I earn about £70k, bought my own house at 24 and regularly travel for work and socially. So I just never really have the time to put energy towards dating even though I don’t have anything against being in a relationship or setting down. There’s always been one thing or another that I wanted to sort out first, like stabilising my living expenses, renovating, getting a promotion, getting degrees etc. and now, I’m probably after someone who has a similar lifestyle to me as opposed to leaving things to chance. like I want to protect myself financially, I wouldn’t want to rush moving in together.

I don’t like dating apps and I don’t really use social media much. I’ve met some people through work but no one I really want to pursue things with as they all tend to be older, plus I don’t want to make things messy at work in case it doesn’t work out. But from reading a few threads here, it seems like my inexperience might be a red flag to some? I guess cause I’ve been single by default, I don’t really crave the companionship or even know how to approach it if I did want someone!

You approach it like any person just starting to date. Create opportunity, get curious and don't worry about outcomes.

I don’t think you’re undatable but more your own choice! because youve prioritised what’s been more important for you, I get it, however I did the reverse and aways put love first (that’s now changed) it’s not easy juggling everything, I admire people that have everything but it rarely all comes together in one go. Perhaps now you’ve achieved your goals, go looking for someone, it won’t come to you though, you need to be out socialising or stepping out of your comfort zone and try apps.

Nice humble brag with mentioning the salary. 😆

I don’t consider it much to brag about as I have my sights set on higher!

But it’s relevant in terms of I earn more than others my age tend to do, but I’d want to date someone who doesn’t earn significantly differently to me. So it reduces the pool in that sense.

See that was my thought process. But I guess I’m just hoping others see me in that way, as opposed to having something wrong with me for not dating previously.

You are treating dating almost like you're recruiting for a role - not saying there is anything wrong with that, but it's not the way most people go about it. Often in their twenties people want fun and the head-over-heels stuff. You sound more earnest than that - again, nothing wrong with it.

If someone earning the same as you is a big priority - sounds like it is - then yes the pool will be smaller, but presumably you are fine with that as it's a red line for you? You're not undateable but you are probably looking for something more serious than many people your age and most won't reach your salary standard.

Yeah I think that’s what it is, I’ve had a fun life outside of being in a relationship and it just hasn’t been a big priority for me. I guess I always felt I needed to get to a certain stage before being ready to date, as opposed to just presenting myself as I am too.

I’m just not into dating apps though, would much rather meet someone organically where possible even if that’s via other social media.

The only thing I see in your post that might make you undateable is you telling yourself that you're undateable. It's still just insecurity manifesting itself, isn't it?

There isn't really a problem, is there? You're not interested in dating, you're happy with your job, salary and achievements. You seem to be still relatively young so no hurry anyway. You're not undateable, just choosy.

I disagree - do you know many people my age? Loads of them have settled down. If anything, I’m looking for something less serious as opposed to more serious, because I’m not looking for kids or marriage yet. I’m not even looking to live together. I think it’s more the default to want those things

Beyond that, I’m not sure how I’m treating dating like recruiting when I haven’t actually dated much yet!

In terms of salary expectations, I’d just want things to be fairly even where there isn’t a huge disparity either way.

This. It’s all rigid and transactional. Love has an element of risk.

When I met DH he was unemployed. You wouldn’t have looked at him. Now he out earns me (and you!).

Try having some fun and see what happens. You don’t have to marry the fun man or have him move in but live a little.

I know plenty of people your age - maybe lots of your acquaintances have settled down, but it's not common for the people in their twenties that I know. That said, if you are approaching your thirties and looking for what most people had in their early twenties then there could definitely be a disparity.

Because you are talking about your dating expectations and focusing on salary sounds like something you'd be asked about at a job interview. I know you haven't much dated but you are setting out criteria now - which sounds to me like recruiting - needs to earn this much, don't want to use OLD, socmed alright but only if organic...

I think you'll find that if you want evenness in income then you'll most likely be looking at people with an age gap between you and them.

The only thing I'd say is that your emphasis is heavy on the lifestyle and what someone will bring materially to the relationship. I'm not disparaging that as it's certainly important and it's fine to want someone who matches your earnings. But meeting someone romantically is more than that - it's about chemistry, connection, what you want sexually (do you know?), and ultimately what you want from a partnership and what life you want to build with that person. Not having all the answers shouldn't stop you from dating but your initial post comes across quite narrow in it's thinking. I get a sense you might be a bit wary of intimacy - do you think that's true?

I sympathise OP. I had a similar issue years ago. I earned 3 x average salary at 24, had my own house, international job etc. Prioritised my career.
I found I had three issues, either men were too interested in my finances, or they wanted someone who was home before them every night cooking their supper and walking the dog, or they were insecure about me travelling by myself. It made it difficult.

Don't settle. Go on dates with an open mind, just looking for fun, don't mention salary or the fact that your house is your own. If they are rude enough to ask, imply that you are house sitting for an elderly relative.

Maybe you will find someone who can take it in their stride.

I'm in my 50s. I can give you the examples of my professional friends with the power of hindsight, although I must say if you're in London, apart from being unusual that you own a home, you're pretty much average
My friends that spent their twenties and early thirties concentrating on careers are all child-free. If they partners, they have SDC and ex-partners to deal with. They essentially say that most men who fit their criteria had left the dating pool years before they began looking.
It does only take one, but that single men seem to (weirdly) be in a default position of power because they're seen as such a catch in comparison to the other single men around (with 'baggage'). Again, I'll reiterate this is just amongst my friends, but they say they wish they had looked much much sooner, although this is mainly based on wanting DC and that time ran out for that, not necessarily for a partner.