Old friend getting married

[Sleepingallday]

Would appreciate some advice as I’m not really sure how to handle this. Sorry backstory is a bit long!

I have/had a friend, we were ‘best friends’ at the end of high school and into uni. I moved cities after uni and we lost touch a little bit but she ended up moving to the city too and we were able to keep in touch, not like we had been previously but still we were close.

I got married and had my first child in 2021, it was a small wedding but she was like a sort of bridesmaid/witness there. She met my son and we got together a few times still, with and without him. It was nice.

then she met someone and we lost touch again a bit, didn’t see each other as much which is normal I suppose.

I had my second child in 2023 and this was a turning point. we were due to see each other just before he was born but she cancelled last minute. DS2 was born in distress and there were complications, we were in the hospital for a stint. I had PND. I told her this and she didn’t call or reach out.

my son is now 2 and she’s never met him, I haven’t seen her since before he was born. I was quite hurt for a while that she never really checked in on me during that time as we had been close before and I felt a bit let down but have gotten over it really, just accepted our friendship is not the same and told myself I’d be happy to see her if she made the effort.

there have been a handful of messages in that time, like it’d be so good to meet up, and I say yep you’re welcome here any time or can meet closer to you etc, but then she never takes me up on it.

anyway, she’s just announced in a group chat that she’s engaged. I Sent a message to say congrats etc. she said the wedding would be in October.

im currently pregnant with my third child due end of May. I didn’t share this news because we’re just not really part of each others lives, I’m not big on social media etc so she won’t know.

I’ve just had a message from her to ask if we can have a video call as she has something to ask me. I’m guessing she will ask me to be a bridesmaid or similar at her wedding.

im not sure how I feel about this, I’ll have a 5 month old who I intend to breastfeed. I’m surely overthinking this (don’t even know for sure this is what she wants to ask!) but just looking for advice on how to handle this, I feel like it will be really awkward to tell her this news and basically say no.

i kind of feel like just ignoring the message, but that’s probably unreasonable?

thanks if you made it this far!

Massively overthinking.

Just tell her you're pregnant and you'll have a 5 month old, who don't tend to be conducive to this sort of thing 🤷‍♂️

It's ok to say no if you don't feel able to be a bridesmaid with a baby. Just keep any explanations simple and factual.

I’d go ahead with the video call, congratulate her and tell her that you’re expecting a baby in May. You haven’t been in touch much recently so she’s not going to know details of your life, just as you don’t hers.

If she does ask you to be a bridesmaid, get all the details about the venue and see whether it can work comfortably for you- if not, you can go as a guest. Or if you’d prefer to be a guest, say so now.

Just tell her your pregnant and have two young kids, if your happy to go as a guest then just say that if she askes you.

Ignoring the message - unless you plan to end the friendship- is rude and unreasonable

do the merry, see what she has to share, tell her your happy news and then take it from there

If you choose to ignore the message I think that you have to be prepared for her to take it badly and for it to burn a bridge.

Thank you for all the replies. I am definitely overthinking it I know. Agree that ignoring the message burns a bridge, which i somehow don’t feel ready for. I won’t do that but I also do feel like it might have been nice for her to make an effort to arrange to meet up or something and ask me in person after a proper catch up. For all she knows I could still be really struggling and it just feels like she doesn’t really care how I am at all, just to jump in with this ‘ask a question’ straight away.

Drop in that youre pregnant. Reply and drop in that you're x many months pregnant, something like
"Hi Bride to be we're all fine, exoecting baby number 3 in X month! How is your wedding planning going? We can videochat at x time if you're free."

So if she'd asked you in person you would have said yes?

she could just want to videocall to explain why she was MIA.

You are - understandably - still sore that she didn't respond when you told her about your pnd. She may have just not known what to say, or she may be very self centered. Either way you are not that close anymore.

Yy to @Sausagewoman 's reply above. Let her know before she calls that you are pregnant then if she does ask you, you could decline being MoH, if she asks,, saying you won't know how you are going to feel with 3 littlies, especially after your pnd last time.

This opens up a door, if you want one, to say yes to being a guest, or to explain to her how difficult pnd is, and decline going at all, if that's what you want.

I’m going to go against the grain and say she hasn’t been there when you really needed her and she isn’t much of a friend. Therefore, I’d ignore the message. Two wrongs don’t make a right but she’s never taken you up on any invites! She wants you to make her look popular at her wedding ! X