Husband and anxiety

[ImperialGoddess]

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 8. For the first 6-7s of our time together my husband has always been steady and my rock. But these last few years he has become a very emotionally insecure person. I'd say the last year, he seriously over reacts to small things and holds onto them all freaking day long and will all of a sudden talk down on himself, thats he's an a-hole, a pos, a "bad person" and will basically throw a fit.

For example, this evening we tried to have sex (and usually its pretty amazing) but he just really wasn't doing what he normally does and I was not really feeling it and he got a little aggressive.. meaning he just not his usual self. He did not hurt me at all and never has! We all have off days and thats okay. I called him out on it and he flipped out. Like, he suddenly was like.. "I wasn't trying to be! Omg what kind of person am I? I'm such a bad person!" And he started to tear up and fucking LEFT THE HOUSE, got into his car and drove off. He also woke up our 4 year old son when he did it. I was not happy.

When he came back (it is past 12 am at this point) and he came and he talked for like 30 minutes, talking crap about himself and that he was ashamed of his "aggressive" behavior. I didn't understand HIS behavior after the fact because I didn't see the big deal that he was making it out to be. I was pretty mad at this point and still am. I finally explained to him what I meant by him being "aggressive" and he said that he "took it the wrong way." This man is super smart, like genuis level smart. There are many meanings of aggression and he should know that. Or at least he should have said something before he stormed off like some immature child so we could clear the air.

This is not the first time he has over reacted like this over something like this and I am so tired of it. I will mention that I am a mental health therapist and have told him he really needs to talk to someone about it but he won't. I really don't know what to do.

You need to help him he needs to seek support from mental health professionals. Has this really been on for 3 years and ypu haven’t been concerned enough to talk to him about it?

It's odd you don't see that there's some MH problem here and has been for a long time by behaviour change. Classic depression symptoms putting ones self down, or being critical of everything etc, he needs help

As mentioned on that last portion. I have tried to get him to go to a therapist. I am also a mental health therapist. He is in the military and thinks that if they catch Wind of it it will ruin his career. Also he hates the idea of therapy because that means he really has a problem and the therapist is a "last resort." He has gone a couple times but we go to like 2-3 sessions and be like, "See, I'm better!" And then stop going. He is also not very honest with the therapists he has seen. He doesn't share the whole picture, even if I mention it to them prior he will dim it down in session and the therapists he has had do not dig around to get him to talk.

So please don't say I haven't tried, because I have.

ETA: I will also mention that I have tried to work him through his emotions, provide comfort and support but he does not listen to me. I am seriously at a loss because I don't know what else to do.

Sorry I missed that part and the rxtra context is useful.

I’m wondering what you want out of this? I’m not judging but it’s a interesting question to ask yourself.

I think you know that either you accept living this way or you end the relationship which is a big step. But you know you’ve down all you can to encourage him to seek support to change but he isn’t engaging and you can’t do anything else.

I feel for you OP
It's so easy for others to say he's clearly mentally unwell and you need to do something to help him.

But if he's refusing to see the extent of the problem or get any help, dismisses therapy and is in fear of being found out and losing his job it is beyond difficult. I really feel for you.

Make sure you continue to look after yourself. Xxx

You are a mental health therapist, but you are not his mental health therapist, so you need to separate this out in your own mind/approach. I say that as a mental health professional myself.

You will be well aware that you can't make him do anything about what is going on with him. It will either go to crisis point because he won't talk to anyone about it, or make changes that might help him born from his own research or it will just keep ticking along in this stasis, where you are both unhappy.

You could try giving him an ultimatum. You don't have to stay in a relationship where he won't take any steps to take responsibility for his own wellbeing. That's the only bit in your control really. Sounds like a previously good relationship though, so would understand why you wouldn't want to take that approach. So then all you can do is prioritise your own wellbeing and that of your DC. When he starts tearing up and expressing his negative thoughts, you can be empathetic, but also boundaried or it will just continue as a cycle.

Good luck, it's not easy.

Thank you. I do remind myself I am not his therapist, every once in a while I will kind of corner him (figuratively speaking) and push him to break down his thought processes and what he is feeling, but its like the next day he forgets about it.

I also try to be empathetic when he is like this but Its getting really old. He wants me to hug him and tell him everything is alright but I am at the point of not wanting to further enable the behavior. I'm not sure if that's the best way to handle it, I'm just tired of it.

I have given him an ultimatum so to speak, telling him.I can't take this anymore and he NEEDS to go see someone and this is not normal..but it falls on deaf ears.

I don't want to leave him because outside of this stuff he really is a pretty great guy. Before him I have been with some pretty awful men in my life (I have PTSD and GAD from one relationship but I have had a LOT of therapy for it). I just feel like my hands are tied when it comes to this.

You’re describing someone having a fit then playing the victim. That sounds like manipulation not anxiety. And it sounds like something that only started after your son was born.

He’s not a good dad to his child if you and in turn Toya’s his mother are being treated like this. Is your man all sweetness to those in the outside world too because if he is then this treatment is reserved solely for you. He is yet another in a series of poor choice od man. Your boundaries here, perhaps skewed by both poor life experiences and previous abusive relationships, are being further eroded by this man now.

An ultimatum can only be issued once and followed through. It loses all its power otherwise. If you were not prepared to go through with your consequences for his actions this should not have been issued.

Sound travels too op and where is your do when his dad calls himself a pos etc?. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?.

And how is he really a pretty great guy outside of all this too because “all this “ from him in your relationship is all encompassing.

You don't know him so please don't judge. Having anxiety doesn't make him a bad person. He usually doesn't throw fits around his son, but he has a few times and I have checked his behavior hard asking him the same question, what are you teaching our son? There is something causing this behavior and I don't know where it came from. He needs to talk to a therapist to find that out.

He is a provider. He helps out around the house. He helps take care of and plays with our son. He is kind and supportive. He is loving and caring. Which is more than I can say about most men. If you have never had really bad anxiety, its really easy to judge because you just don't understand what anxiety can do to someone.

And someone else ask, what am I looking for? It was 3 am and maybe I just wanted to vent and get some support.

I am not judging him. And I do bloody well know all too sodding well what anxiety does to a person but they sought the necessary help.

No of course I do not know him but he could be doing more here to help his own self rather than act as he does when you are alone with him.

What started this change in him or has this side to him always been there but more hidden?. He is not wanting your help and or support here from you or importantly any other MH professional. Your son and you are in his direct line of fire as a result.

I think his career will be far more impacted by he not telling anybody in a professional capacity than if he was more open about this to a select few.

Do you at all feel he blames you for his self loathing etc?. What starts this cycle?. One of you is ultimately going to have to get off this merry go around and that will more likely be you. In the meantime the cycle continues and there is also your son to consider here in all this.

What if anything do you know about your H's childhood?. That often gives clues. How is he around other people in the outside world or to his colleagues?.

OP

re your comment

"He usually doesn't throw fits around his son, but he has a few times and I have checked his behavior hard asking him the same question, what are you teaching our son?"

And what is his response to that question?.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. You are his wife, not his MH specialist.

Yes, he can help himself..but won't.

Honestly now that I'm thinking about it, it all started when our son got burned by his hot tea. I was not home and it was a terrible accident. My son got immediate treatment and healed from it. He is a very happy and healthy child now but still bares scares.

My husband has PTSD from it and will tear up and cry when seeing my son's scars and will talk about it like happened yesterday. But it has obviously spilled over to other aspects of his life.

The thing is also I can really lay it down but I worry about committing to something drastic. He is very literal and one part of this anxiety is that he dives head first into the deep end and his solution to a lot of things is to get rid of the problem.

For example, I've been telling him for a long time to throw away his foam ear plugs because he will leave them on the floor..well, our new dog ate some that were on the floor (she is fine btw). But his idea of fixing it is throwing ALL of them out including his unused one and "learning to sleep without them" which we have tried before and it doesn't work. Heaven forbid he just put a trashcan right next to his side of the bed or get non disposable ear plugs.

Or if he does something I don't agree with its a, "I'll never do or talk about them again."