Age gap relationship advice

[FTMaz]

This is a long one so I will try and keep it brief. I am 35 and my partner is 48. We have been together 6 years and have a son who is 2. When we got together I had a series of failed relationships, I was (am?) ambitious, strong willed you get the picture and felt an older man would be better suited to me. My partner was well established, solid financially etc. However as time is going on I am finding myself less attracted to him. I kind of feel like that part where you ‘grow’ together has been skipped because he had already done that before he met me. I look at my friends who are the same age as me and have partners the same age, they have family members with kids who will grow up together, they’re saving for a house, planning their life etc and I feel like mine is done. My partner talks about retirement plans, wills etc and at the moment it just makes me feel depressed and old before my time. He is a good (not great) dad to our son and my son adores him (he’s very much a fun rather than the daily boring stuff kind of dad) and of course my son is the most important person in all of this. But part of me feels like I want my life as a 35 year old back. I know I’m not young but I am not old. I would just be really interesting to hear other people’s views, am I just romanticising others relationships?

Firstly, being together for 6 years and having a 2 year old, I'm not surprised you feel less attracted to him. That's totally normal as relationships go on over time and mature from the exciting start to the long haul.

Apart from that, it seems to me like you need to choose between 2 options, but really it's just one choice. Either end the relationship, you'll be single and start following your aspirations / planning an exciting future again, or... stay together and start following your aspirations again.

I'm a similar age to you and my partner is older. Similarly, I had many failed relationships before him and was attracted to his ambition, financial success, etc. Now he seems to have slowed down/run out of steam, so I'm the one going for my career now.

I'm hoping that him seeing me succeed will inspire him too, but if not it doesn't matter because I'm making myself fulfilled living the exciting life/career for myself, which doesn't depend on him. Crucially, this means I no longer feel like I need him to make me feel happy/successful, and this lack of "needing" him in that respect allows me to enjoy everything else he brings to the table.

But if you allow his lack of ambition to be your excuse for not being ambitious yourself this is an error, I think, as you are the only person who can make yourself happy and fulfilled in terms of career.

Does it make sense?

You won’t get your single 35 year old life back as you have a child. A split will be a nightmare to unpick. Have you spoken to your husband and had some couple counselling? 48 isn’t old at all.

48 is not old. To be honest the age gap is not really that great either. Sorting out wills and retirement plans is sensible thing to do. So there will be money for retirement and there will be not problems with inheritance when the time comes. All part of growing older. Its a bit like washing up. No one really wants to do it but it has to be done.

This shows that is wants the best for you and your child. I have known colleagues that have had to work way past 60 as they did not plan for the future.

Talking about wills and retirement plans is a good idea at any age. What do you plan to do with your 35 year old self if you leave him? I would have an honest conversation with him about working together to nurture your relationship (it’s hard with a 2 year old around).

Relationships are like flowers, you need to water them and feed them for them to blossom, it doesn’t matter what the age gap is.

It's really not that much of an age gap and you were 29ish when you met, so not some juvenile innocent. You have always had agency.
I suspect the 2yo is and will be the hardest part of your life for a very long time.
If you split you'd be (unless you plan to leave DC) a 35yo single mum. It would be far easier to forge a career for yourself with DH's stability.

You are romanticising other peoples relationships.

You’re mid 30s with a child, you should be thinking about wills and saving for retirement! You were 29 when you got together, what part of “growing” did you expect to do? Because most of what you’re describing to me sounds like couples in their 20s, not in their mid 30s. I’m unsure what fun life you think other people at 35 are having? Splitting up and being a single parent mid 30s isn’t going to find you someone to “grow” with, because again anyone in your age bracket will already have done that - so I’d be cautious if that’s what you want to go and seek.

My DP is six years older than me, I am in my 20s and him in his 30s. He had already bought a house, travelled extensively and had built a career before we met, so I do a certain extent I resonate with the 'he's been there done that' but we travel together and have also recently bought a house together, and I feel we are growing together. Several of his mates have families, while mine are still clubbing and live in flat shares. Probably because of his age I was the first to settle down out of my friend group, he was in his late 20s when we met and he didn't want to arse about with commitment issues, non exclusive etc but I still go out drinking with my mates, girls weekends etc.

Why can't you harness your own ambitions and start making your dreams come true?
Work longer hours and say YES to promotions.

Why not save for a deposit on a holiday home, a university fund for DC?
You are not bound by your DH's age.
The more successful you are, the better retirement you will both have.