I’ll try not to write a novel here, but I’m hoping to get some support, or words of guidance if possible.
I was with my ex husband for 12+ years. It was generally a happy marriage, I stood by him through a lot and we adored each other. He couldn’t have children naturally so we went through IVF. I had numerous miscarriages including one late into pregnancy and we eventually had a success on our 9th cycle.
Within weeks of giving birth, it turned out he had been unfaithful and this had been happening for years (not one single person, just him using chance encounters including at events where I was, dating apps and escorts). We split when I was 7 months post partum. However hard it was, I knew I’d never feel the same about him again. I dont miss him, but miss what we have and feel resentment that I’m carrying the load now of looking after our children, keeping a roof over our heads, working full time in a stressful job… while he just gets on with his life. (Though I do appreciate the joy and privilege I have in being able to shut my own door every night, and not answer to anybody)
I took a year to find my feet and focus on being a Mum. I then was pursued by a man I knew through work, who was relentless. I guess I was lonely and I felt he was a “known” entity… so I gave it a go. This started an 18 month cycle of him pushing, pulling back, cheating, lying and basically driving my self esteem into the ground. The only good thing was that the sex was incredible.
At the beginning of last year, I decided enough was enough after discovering another of his indiscretions. I haven’t spoken to him since the day I left his house.
Last year, I took time for myself and dated in between. I can’t say I’ve had any horrible experiences but of all the dates I’ve been on (possibly 10 first dates in total) I’ve never felt that feeling of “wow”. Yet all of them have wanted a second date with me… I don’t know if my guard is up, or whether I just don’t know how to feel affection anymore?
I am attractive (so I’m told!), have a good job, good income, own home etc… but honestly I feel completely unlovable. But I yearn to feel and give love, I want to feel the safety I felt in my marriage (before it was destroyed) and I know that being in that setup suits me… but I don’t believe I’ll ever get there.
I’ve had therapy and am currently awaiting an appointment with a new therapist which I hope will help, any words of support right now would be gratefully received 🩷