Relationship

[GreatPearlOrca]

Hey I just felt as if I need someone to talk too about this as I feel I am alone, my partner is 3 and a half years in recovery , but I feel nothing has changed yeah they are clean and behaviour changed abit but I still feel the same way as I felt when they were using , I feel alone, I feel like everything is left to me to do, I’m so tired all the time from just doing everything and that I have no time for myself , but he is always out the house going to meetings , meeting up with people enjoying life and I feel so miserable when we are at home he is always tired or will sit on his phone then just want to goto bed , I feel we have nothing to talk about as he can’t speak about his day because of animenty because he is with other addicts, sometimes I feel what is the point in me staying , I support him in every way possible and stuck by through it all but finding it more difficult and feel I’m still in that same situation, am I being selfish by feeling this way, I’ve tried speaking to him but he is just like I know but I need to do all this to keep at my recovery and saying I don’t understand, I feel he is addicted to going to them , he did mention a while back he needs to cut down on things and spend more time with his family he did for a week but it didn’t last , I feel I’m being a moan but also feel I’m worth more than this , maybe I need to speak to him again but I feel he doesn’t take it in or listen to me properly and just agrees at times, as before trying to tell him what was going on wasn’t right etc would just turn into an argument as he would feel that I’m just moaning about everything , I’m really hoping things can work out , is anyone else in similar situation or been there x

You are worth far more than this. His primary relationship is with his addiction, not you and it’s never been with you either. You are likely to be codependent and that state is doing you no favours either. No more taking but plan your exit.

Addicts are very good at not taking responsibility. Look up dry drunk - it applies equally to drug addicts.

Addicts don't really recover - they may stop using but they are still addicts. Often they just find new 'healthier' obsessions - my closest friend's husband is an ex drinker and now clean and is an obsessive runner. Much better than drinking but it still takes up all his time and attention and family life revolves around his hobby.

Only you can know if you're prepared to carry on with this relationship. It sounds like you have worn yourself out supporting him and now have nothing more to give. Who is caring for you, supporting you, when do you get to do what you want? Maybe it's time you put your own needs first for a change?

“YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS”

Well, it turns out his addiction isn’t to blame for all his selfish behaviour.

You are allowed to seek a life where your happiness and your needs matter.

You don’t have to sacrifice your life supporting someone who doesn’t make you happy. Leaving won’t make you a horrible person

Hi yeah , I’ve spoken to him again and told him things need to change or we are going separate ways as I can no longer go in like this , we have a child too so in his addiction I felt as if I was a single mum bringing up my child and I’m starting to feel like this again, he is already missed out in so much of my child’s life and I’ve says its like he is still missing out, and I have says this to him again over weekend , he come home other night and says someone was talking to him saying he needs to cut down on things and spend more time with family as he will end up loosing his family and I think that cause someone else has says this it has given him a fright , I know he should listen to me and not others but I hope this is a start , if not I will make the changes

You have already sacrificed a lot due to his addiction. My biggest fear would be that he will relapse at some point in the future and you will have sacrificed even more time with no positive outcome in the end.

Unfortunately relapse rates are pretty high so that is a real possibility.

How old is your child and have they been affected by all of this? They would inevitable have been. You also need to think about what is best for them, subjecting them to more of the behaviours and situation might not be the best course of action.

Living with an addict is like sitting on a time bomb unfortunately, you never know when it all blows up again. Perhaps leaving and ensuring that you and your child have stability in your life is best. He can always have a relationship with them and be a parent if he sticks to recovery. But if he doesn’t, that would affect you less and would be less close to home.

You don’t owe him anything, not even now that he is recovering. You are allowed to have a healthy and stable life away from him.

I agree. And recovery is lifelong - it’s not something that happens and then is done and dusted. It’s a day after day decision. It’s hard. You don’t have to stay. His recovery is not your responsibility. If he cannot manage life without you taking on lots of his responsibilities then he is a long way from recovered.