Seeing NC in laws

[PeterJay]

Have funeral of DH's family member (who was lovely) soon.

I do not speak to DH's sister/ brother in law and my husband is very LC. They did some really despicable things and the anger and stress I used to feel around them was really bad for my MH. They have numerous other people who have cut them out and I have no one else like this.

Have just found out the wake is at a family house (not a pub as previously said) and that there will only be about 20 people there. I have only met these other family members once as they all live in Spain, but all seems nice (I just don't know them at all). I had hoped there would be a lot of people there so many I could chat to people I didn't know, and when I thought it was in a pub it was much more neutral.

I don't know how I'm going to get through it, even thinking about it making me upset. I know it's about DH not me, but I can't help my feelings. The problem is that they probably won't ignore me, they will try and talk to me/us. They are unhinged. We bought a house and they turned up on the doorstep asking how much we'd paid for it (already NC then, this was years ago). Added complication is that I don't think the Spain family know that we don't talk.

Any tips for getting through it? I had hoped to sit quietly with a G&T but now I'm dreading it even more.

I should have said, we need to travel to Spain, so it's not like we are near home (we do have a hotel).

How does your Dh feel?. What is his suggestion?. He is key here.

I would attend the funeral service but not the wake.

You don't have to go to the wake. DH can go and see his relatives if he wants to. I'd go to the funeral service and then get him to drop you back to your hotel before he goes to the wake - he can make an excuse, you're feeling unwell/migraine etc.

I'd go to the funeral but not the wake...
your dh can go to that solo his family will be there for him and you'll be there when he comes back to the hotel or wherever.

I’d go for the family but keep out of their way and make it a short stay getting back to hotel asap

Even if they try to talk to you or corner you in any way you don't have to respond to them. Remain calm and dignified, don't react, turn away or walk away, just keep doing that without a word no matter what. If you find it unbearable then say your goodbyes to the rest of the family & leave.

I completely agree. This is not about them or you it is about paying your respects to the deceased and supporting your husband. Your imagination is going into overdrive and it’s clouding your thinking. As my mum would say ‘rise above it’. Be polite, make polite conversation, pay your respects to the family and then leave with your dignity intact. If you feel you can’t do that then perhaps your DH should go on his own so he’s not worrying about how you’re feeling.

Do what I did in a similar situation last year, go for your dh be smile be polite then once the day was over I went home never to see them till the next funeral probably lol

Thanks for the advice everyone.

My husband isn't looking forward to seeing them either, but he knows all the other people so he has more options. I will take the advice, and try to avoid them as much as possible. For a few years I would see them at parties and gatherings (not family ones) but they were quite big so could easily avoid them, but then they fell out with everyone else so haven't seen either of them for a number of years. I am probably building it up more than I need to, I'll try and remember that.

Hi everyone.

I'm home now and it went ok. Luckily they stayed in another room and basically didn't acknowledge us. We were talking in hushed voices when it was just the two of us to be polite and I could hear them through the door like a fog horn. Won't have to see them for years now I hope!