I just keep going back to old patterns

[KeenBlueBalonz]

I need some advice on how to change behaviour patterns for good. I desperately want to change my 'it will be ok' attitude for one that foresees a problem and actually actions it. My husband is absolutely in despair at me for never organising dates for us to do together. He has asked me many times and I promise I will and because we have argued about it, I seem to back away, without good reason, to actually sort this out. I do want to. We have 2 children still at primary schoo. Both work fulltime. I don't want excuses for my behaviour. It would be quite easy to fix but this has been an issue for a decade. Why can't I just action what I want to do? It's like we have a crisis argument, I say beg that it will be different, then by the time things have got back to a good rhythm between us again, I am so focussed on that and wanting it to stay like that, I don't do the thing he (and I) really want, which is dates and time together. What can I do to fix this? I don't even know if he will give me another chance, but if he does, it needs to work. I have made a small schedule of small things we can do that don't require childcare but he isn't interested at the moment as it is only as it reached a crisis that I have done something about it. Any advise please.

You mentioned a list of things that don't need childcare. Do have childcare resources?

When you say dates and time together, does this mean children included?

Does your OH make plans for you both/all? Or is it just on you?

So what is stopping you from sitting down and booking some things to do together right now?

We do have childcare only on my side of the family as his family do not live in the same country. He will make plans that involve us going out - usually linked to his friend circle and i arrange relevant childcare etc as on my side and ask my family etc. Or we will all go. He will also spontaneously say lets go to dinner ( all of us) etc. His issue is that I rarely just organise. He doesn't think family gatherings are included in this and he doesn't really get on well woth them anyway. Also, I don't have many friends. I just don't instigate things until it is too late. The thing that's stopping sitting down now and planning in dates is he will reject it because we have argued over it and he thinks I am doing it just to fix something rather than meaning it.

So is he sulking? As it sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong now.

Is it setting the actual date that you have problems with? Are you too worried that it won't be good so it's easier not to try?

It sounds like it's lack of spontaneity on your part. In theory you are contributing to making plans by arranging childcare.

I don't think anybody can advise how you change this about yourself unless you do some soul searching and figure out why you struggle to action what your partner asks of you.

Do you enjoy going out? Are you afraid he won't like what you plan? Do you struggle to make plans and action in other parts of your life? Are you demand avoidant? Does pressure overwhelm you which then ignites your freeze mode?

I haven’t looked at anything financial since I met my DH. He has organised mortgages, loans etc in spite of me being the higher earner by a significant margin.

I have ADHD, forms are a nightmare for me so my husband fills the gap. I fill plenty of other gaps because we are a team and our family is a team.

You sound like you are walking on eggshells with your husband. Honestly to me his behaviour borders if not crosses over into being abusive towards you.

I think your DH has made you believe you are the problem, but he sounds awful. He’s manipulating you so even when you do organise something, he messes it up deliberately.

He is the issue here, not your organisation skills. You have family close by, talk to them openly. I bet they have strong views on your husband.

I think the first step to resolving a problem is recognising it so well done for that. I once dated someone like you and he was avoidantly attached. I think the issue comes from a fear of rejection (childhood wound). Its infuriating to deal with because it makes the relationship non-reciprocal. Unlike other PPs i don't see that your husband is at fault. He plans dates, you promise to do that and never follow through. You need to get to the bottom of why you cant do such a basic thing and i suspect for that you need therapy.

I think the first thing to ask yourself is whether you want to arrange dates together. If dh organises the date and you sort childcare that seems like a fair split to me but I'm not in your relationship. I'd be saying fine but I expect you to do everything when you organise something from now on. What type of night out are you thinking? Will it be a hassle to sort?

OP, first try to work out why you haven't been able to stick to plans in the past. Is it because you really don't want to go out on dates so that things don't get sorted, or that you fail to confirm or follow through at the last minute due to panic? Are you an introvert or socially anxious? These things can cause you to self sabotage for a number of reasons so try to look at the root cause of why this might be happening.

The real question is why you don’t do it.

Is it a logistics issue, sorting out childcare, picking a place/activity, worry you will get it wrong/won’t be good enough , remembering at the end of a busy day/ week etc?

Or is it that it’s something that doesn’t actually cross your mind ?