How does everyone manage?!

[LadyCLS]

Just that, how does everyone manage juggling work, kids, house, general life etc?

3 kids, all primary age one with additional needs so in different school. Cat and puppy. DH works from home 4 days a week, I work 4 days school hours, 1 at home rest in office. I take 2 of dc to school, other dc gets taxi. Morning is walk dog, get dc ready. Watch for taxi and put dc in it, take others to school go to work and then repeat in afternoon.

DH likes cooking but doesn’t really plan eg online shopping account in his name but he never plans meals so I end up having to do another shop. I do all appointments / school stuff for kids. He’s never even been to dc3 school. I do all washing, cleaning etc. I was signed off work just over a year ago due to stress with dc3 and dealing with EHCP process / school issues. I feel like I do it all alone. Clubs the dc do I arrange and take to the majority. Bedtime DH sits on sofa with puppy watching tv whilst I try and do it alone. Youngest dc sleeps with me and won’t go to sleep unless I’m there. This means dc2 is up really late. I feel like I’m doing it all alone and am exhausted. My parents help me when they can but it isn’t down to them.

Half of me thinks I’d be better off alone but I don’t earn much and with dc3 it would be difficult for me to work more as I need to be home for taxi drop off and appointments etc.

I feel like we’re just existing. I’ve been on antidepressants for 2 years it just doesn’t seem any better and it’s hard to see it getting better.

Not sure I’d have added a puppy into that situation.
The obvious thing is what have you said to him and what was his answer ?

If he does the food shopping/online account why on earth cant he meal plan and do it properly?!
Do a 2 week rotating meal plan together, that way your buying the same stuff and you know what's for tea each night. He has no excuse.

Have you asked him to help more? What is his response? Does he see/know yoir struggling and doesnt change?
Does he offer to help with anything?

Id be having a serious sit down with him.

How do people cope? You dont when your carrying a man child. I felt much better than you as a single mum because I had no resentment.

And then when I was ready to meet someone else I had different boundaries and standards and expectations to make sure I wouldn't carry another man again.

My partner isnt the father of my children and he does bedtimes, bathtimes, homework, running around to clubs, school runs, sports days, plays, concerts the lot. He cooks and does the meal planning/food shop. He hoovers the stairs and upstairs. He does the bins.
We had 1 convo about all this early on and since that convo he just does it. No asking/no reminding/no moaning.
When he is tired or unwell I pick up the slack, when I am unwell or tired he does.
We both work, he has his own business which often means some days hes out house at 6.30am and back at 9.30 pm but he still helps. Im a teacher so never at home to do jobs in week.

We manage because were a team. Your husband is choosing to not be in a team. Thats not OK

DH is away about half of every week for work for half the year, and he does considerably more than that -- all the grocery shopping, all the cooking when he's here and leaves a freezer full of meals we can use when he's not, most of the laundry, lots of the logistics. If he's not around to drop DS to a training or match that I can't get him to, he will arrange a lift with another parent. Etc Etc.

Agree with a pp. What have you said to your husband about this, and what did he say in reply? What happens if you say 'You're doing bedtime from now on'?

And honestly, the last thing you need is a puppy. I'd see if the breeder or rescue can take it back.

We are existing too. 2 primary aged DC, husband who is a shift worker, me self employed but at least 35 hours a week (less than I did before kids but still consider FT by most people).

We are not comfortable financially, everything is a bit of a struggle all the time. We spend zero time together apart from maybe one hour of tv before bed 3 nights a week. Our relationship has been totally out on the back burner while we try to survive, and I also carry resentment from doing most of the practical work. We do get a cleaner about once a month to do a deep clean, which helps a bit.

We always had a cleaner but DH and I did really share the load until I retired early. You also need to look at situations dispassionately like the puppy, whose idea was that. It is irrelevant if people want items or situations it’s what they need that counts and has to be done nothing else’s has to be done.

Main issue is your husband, riot act needs reading and just stop doing stuff.

Youngest dc sleeps with me and won’t go to sleep unless I’m there. This means dc2 is up really late.
Why isn't DH getting DC2 to bed? I would be putting a rocket up his backside for that alone. Seriously.

Time to rehome the puppy. You don't have time for the children so you definitely don't have time for a puppy. It's unfair on the animal.

You are not coping because you have 5 beings taking your energy. Three you gave birth to and should be looked after. Jettison the other two.

Half of me thinks I’d be better off alone but I don’t earn much and with dc3 it would be difficult for me to work more as I need to be home for taxi drop off and appointments etc.
Do you get DVA(?) for DC3? Might be worth looking into. Also look at UC to find out what benefits/top ups you might be entitled to as a lone parent, this includes any nursery fees etc. If you do get disability benefits for DC you could claim carers allowance which might help a little. Get an appointment at citizens advice and go through your options.