Will my husband ever change his mind?

[els1789]

Hi everyone, before I start this I would like to say that I’m so so grateful for what I have now. I’m very lucky and I don’t want this post to come across as anything but worried for us.

I met my now husband 10 years ago and we quickly got married and had children, both in our mid 30’s so ready to settle. He already had a place an hour from me so it naturally happened that I moved in with him then we found a house together nearby too. He was/is the main earner and at the time I was happy for a fresh start, probably naively because it meant I moved from my family and job. But after a year of having a first baby, him working long hours in London and me having to start again making friends etc that I really didn’t like the area we lived in (Dartford). Neither of us have family here both 2 hours away from us now, we can barely get by per month even though he works so so hard, long days and barely take annual leave. It’s taking it toll on both of us. But the problem is, my husband dislikes change, I believe it frightens him and I understand. It’s expensive to move but for example my family live in the midlands, a cheaper area with connections still to London. So I suggested we move there, we would have childcare help so I could work more, family near by, same size house for less money. He’s not willing to look at alternative jobs, he’s been in his job 15 years and doesn’t like change as I’ve said. I’ve even suggested if being by mu family seems too much why not look at new places by your work so you’re not travelling so much (1.5hour journey to work) but there’s no taking about it.

I’m not back at part time work to help with finances but I get not help with the kids in the week so I’m shattered, we both are asleep by 9pm. It just doesn’t seem to be how we should be enjoying life, we don’t have to live here.

Anyone been in this situation? What could be a long term plan for me to try and convince him that it doesn’t have to be this hard and we can look at alternatives? Considering right now he dismisses any chat of moving or job changing. We have 2 children under 6. Sorry needed to get this out.

If he wants you to work more to support finances, several things have to change. Primarily he needs to pull his weight at home (he's not a passenger ....) and he needs to accept that childcare costs money. In the short term you'll not see much saving by you working but in the longer term,you will. You'd probably also all be much happier with less pressure if the dynamics shift.

Where are his family and us a move there feasible instead?

Yes I agree, he’s great when he is home which is seeming less and less but also very tired when he’s here. But I have to say very handsome on when around, can’t fault him on that but it’s all work and no play at the minute. I know it’s hard for all families.

No, his family live in West London and elderly, it’s not feasible and wouldn’t help unfortunately. It’s only my family who could provide hands on help (they are great with my siblings children) and live in a cheaper area.

OP, sometimes men need to be pushed hard.
He is controlling everything whilst YOU DO everything.
Perhaps you need to move with your children and he can continue to make his job the most important thing in your lives.
Some men find change very difficult.
Don't waste your life hoping he will change.
Much better that you move yourself to where you have family, support, less costs and the opportunity to work.

It is the biggest regret I have come across from young mothers that moved far from tgeir families and had children.

Knowing you have caring family near by for support, even just emotionally, is priceless.

My DD1 went to live on the south coast after uni with her partner of 3 years, he missed Lincolnshire so they moved after a couple of years and stayed in that area for about 5 years, having a child and subsequently parting ways, ended up in the midlands with no friends or family and struggled. Luckily for me she came back to 10 mins away from me(home) and it's been great, I can help with childcare as she has to work away sometimes, support with school run etc and GC is nearer to her uncles and aunts etc.
Now have a second GC on the way and looking forward to helping out as much as I can/am allowed. It just makes so much sense both financially and practically to be near your family, live is to short to just exist. 💕

You’re not ungrateful but you sound burnt out and isolated. This is about making life sustainable for a young family.

What may help:

• Reframe it for him from change to risk reduction: less debt pressure, childcare support, shorter commute, healthier parents.
• Ask for a time-limited experiment: “Can we seriously explore options for next 6 months?”
• Be clear about your bottom line: “I’m coping now, but I can’t do this forever.”
• Find ways to get yourself out of this day-to-day stress and into a calmer space.

You’re asking for a shared plan and that’s a reasonable ask.

I think you need to sit him down and get him to understand something HAS to change ; but if he doesn’t like change give him a list of options with all the details and ask him to think about the options and he can decide which one in a week he is the most ok with looking into
for example

a) moving closer to your family - benefits and cons m
b) moving closer to his work
benefits and cons

c) a reality if nothing changes is it will destroy your marriage as exhaustion and resentment will grow

He may not like change but he needs to understand that deciding to not make a change will incur a giant change in your relationship and family life - so there is no option of putting his head in the sand as that is a clear option of him not choosing you and your kids

thank you for your message. But I have to take responsibility too, he didn’t force me here, I made a decision at 30 years old to move here but obviously things change over the years and now I’m at a point of where I’d like to move to a nicer area or closer to family. I believe in marriage whole heartedly, he is a man who likes to provide for me and his kids and I feel equal, monetary or not. BUT I feel it’s time that things change for us to make things easier. My question is how do I approach the subject with him and when? Do I find suitable places first then approach it, keep going on or bring it up then give it time. No one likes being pushed in a corner. We are a team but it’s his anxiety around change I need to address too.

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas that's a really helpful comment thank you, I will definitely take this and work towards talking to him.

he does gets extremely defensive. It’s very hard to talk to him but unfortunately for him he has met his match and I am more than happy to keep broaching the subject until his heads pops up from the sand again.

Tbf Dartford is a bit shit to live in, why is his commute to work 90 mins , could you look at Ebbsfleet where high speed train to work .
Also make him take his annual leave , so he can help out and have the rest he needs from work .
And, take your little ones home to the midlands to family for help for a week if possible before they start school/ nursery

Dartford is a shit hole - I used to live there. It was okay for me at that time, but it's not the best town to raise a family in

Is he particularly attached to the place or is it the idea of moving that phases him?

@GraceMyers This is so so helpful. Thank you so much. I am absolutely burnt out and isolated again, I blame myself and it’s a big regret moving without knowing how hard it’s going to be. I’ve made lovely friends here. Another problem is my first is in year 1 now and loves her school. I have one day a week without the kids and I’m so grateful for that. I use it gym/unwind for my mental help which seems to keep it at bay. I do need to give him a timeline, there’s only so long one can do it.

I’d researching into the options so you can show him in detail what sort of house you could have and what it would cost. Also look at jobs available if you moved near your parents or explore commuting times from there - fast train may make the commute equivalent to where you are now. That way when you discuss he’s not having to imagine what he’d be dealing with but can choose between different actual scenarios.

I’m on the fence here tbh.

You chose to move in with him, he works hard to allow you to only work PT and now you’re ‘moaning’ that you don’t like the lifestyle that you signed up to.
He is happy and he’s not made any changes to what he promised you in the beginning - so I can see his point.

I’d be a bit miffed if a man moved in with me and then got fed up and wanted me to uproot my whole life, job, friends, child’s school etc. I think if I started a thread saying so then the majority of posters would be on my side.

However, I also see where you’re coming from.
People change and after having a child it has perhaps made you think of things you hadn’t before.

I think first of all, you need to decide what you want.
Is it that you want to be closer to your family or is it that you want to just have more disposable income.

Moving slightly further away but him being able to keep his job and lifestyle would still mean you are away from your family.

When you know exactly what it is that you want, you can discuss it with DH.

I definitely wouldn’t look for homes to buy first as that would likely make him not want to move at all.

Present him with a budget that will show you you are really very near not having sufficient money. Then show him options that could help - you working, his decreased commute, free childcare (assuming your parents are willing). He can't really argue with figures that show very little left over each month. I would give him a date and say "I think that this shows by X date we simply won't have enough money on your salary". Then provide the possible solutions.

@Uhghg yes I see your point too. He is a very hardworking man and I always thank him for his efforts, I acknowledge what he’s doing for us. I would like to stick up for myself slightly here and say that I gave up my job, family, friends and the place I grew up for him so why is it so harsh for him to now even have a conversation about our other choices as this one currently is NOT working. Finances, tiredness, family time. It means a lot and I would hate to think we miss out because he is sceptical to change. It’s not exactly like I’ve given it a go, it’s been 8 years living here! I also think he’s very lucky I did up and leave for love….some women wouldn’t.