Getting past the past

[redeyedmonster]

When I first met DH 18 years ago he had been married before when he was 23 and it had lasted 6 years.
I had been engaged for 4 years and am 5 years younger.

We met after he was divorced and I had split from my fiancee.

He has never been one to tell me about his uni days and his past in recent years and never wanted to know about my past ,he would rather not know.

But when he had had a few drinks in the early days of our relationship he told me about past relationships in uni and that he had once slept with a prostitute in Amsterdam on a boys night out.

His past relationships always seemed so exciting and he spent a lot of timegoing to fab parties as his parents were well off.

He told me some intimete details all those years ago and as he was drunk at the time he would'nt have realised he had told me.

Also when we first moved in together he had photosand letters from his first marriage which i admit I sneaked a look at and which i had'nt.
He has since thrown them out.

I still feel after all these years and two children later that I am second best and feelboring compared to his past.

How do i stop myself re living all this and just get on with the here and now

Sounds like you are writing him a past he may not have. Bet he embellished the stories of wild parties etc. to impress you (mind you, I wouldn't be that impressed if my partner was telling me about sleeping with prostitutes...).

I think you should talk to him, tell him how you feel, or show him your post if you can't do that. You may find it isn't so exciting as you imagine. After all you've been together 18 years, it can't have been that exciting! If you are so boring, why is he still with you? Tell yourself, every time you think those thoughts, that you are the one he chose, you are the one he is with. Don't dwell on his (imaginary) past.

unhappychick-I must just say the prostitute incident was when he was 18 and was only the once whilst on a boys weekend.

Although I was very shocked as it does'nt seem the sort of thing he would do.

He is quite shy and does'nt like talking to me about our sex life ,he gets embarassed.

Maybe you are right in saying maybe I have imagined his past to be better than it actually was.

He moved around a lot so has lived in different countries and open to more experiences and different people and view points.

I lived in the same place for most of my life so sems dull in comparission.

Funnily enough the prostitute thing did'nt really bother me so much as I just saw it as him being young and trying something different.

The ex wife thing used to really get to me and caused numerous rows in our first few years.
Since having the children I have got over it and having children with DH just over rode all those feelings of jealousy.

I once sat in a bar and timed how long the Amsterdam ladies entertained their customers. On average it was a mere 9 minutes. You have nothing to worry about.

Sometimes when I am mithering about something I try to imagine how I will feel about it (whatever it is) when I'm old and decrepit and lost my health and my kids don't come and see me as often as I'd like them to. And maybe if you think about it with that perspective you'll be better able to see that you are the one he chose and made a life with and you may as well decide that it is going to be a happy one, so you've got something nice to look back on when you're wearing a nappy again.

Although that may be more of an insight into my warped mind than you wanted!

He didn't have a more exciting past. He just made more mistakes than you did before finding the right partner to share his life with.