I need to separate from my husband

[Icyotter]

I can't find the strength to have the conversation with him. I'm scared of his reaction, he's been under a lot of stress at work lately but I don't see this subsiding anytime soon, I've kept it going through the holidays.

I have posted before about my suspicions he might be gay, although he has denied this. I have found out he watches gay porn. We have a sexless marriage which he has put down to life stresses and me being 'hard work'.
I know he's going to gaslight me when I tell him what I know. I am already feeling bad about breaking up our family and he will say I am the one breaking up the family.
I don't have any family I can rely on for childcare near me so I still need to wait it out a week as I have an important appointment coming up, if he decides to kick off, he might refuse to watch our LG or make life more difficult.
I really don't know how life will look if he does agree to separating, I can't afford the house we're in on my salary alone, whereas he can. Finance is the main reason I've stuck it out but I can't ignore my needs any longer, I feel lost.

I'm sorry, I don't remember your previous post.
So 1 more week before you tell him? What plans do you have if he does tell you to move out?

You don't have to give him a reason for the separation. You can just say it's not working for you any more and you want to separate. There would be nothing for him to gaslight you about. If he says you are breaking up the family, so be it. Just accept that.

You know the reasons. You know you need to do this. You don't need his permission or his agreement and you don't need to explain your reasons to him.

However, you do need to consider where you are going to live. Are you married? Do you own or rent the house? Do you work full time?

I'm so sorry.

Whether he denies anything or not you do not have to stay married to him.

Please speak to a solicitor and find out what your options are.

Before you speak to him, get some legal advice so you have an idea of where you will stand financially. Then make a plan. It's possible he could buy you out of the house and you'd have a lump sum to with use as a deposit or to rent. Remember you don't need his permission to separate so it doesn't matter what he says. If you're afraid his reaction may be violent, don't speak to him about it - speak to Women's Aid and make a plan to leave safely. Good luck OP 💐

Thanks all. Will try to give a bit more context sorry I don't want to drip feed but I'm also exhausted so I have avoiding thinking about this. He knows I have not been happy with our relationship for years, however I have never had the confidence to leave and start over.
The gaslighting and making me believe I was going mad is what has been the final straw.

I work near enough full time minus a few hours which I need to manage the household. I do the bulk of the childcare/housework. We have a joint mortgage so he can't ask me to leave.

I think it may be that we continue to live together until we sell the house, we have already been like roomates for years, but is he going to be unbearable to live with once he sees I want to go through with this, and I am already wobbling in my head thinking if I should wait a few more years, but I have waited and it's made me miserable.

My mum is in another city and because of schooling I wouldn't be able to move in with her at the moment.

I'll add he's not the violent type luckily. But his mood swings and his words have a deep impact on me. His words can make me blame myself as I do have faults too. I then end up in a state but I need to be strong to be a happy mum and carry on.

Don’t say a word to him until you have absolutely everything you need in place. That conversation can be the last thing you do, as it will be incredibly difficult having to still live with him and get everything sorted if he’s angry and uncooperative.

Get your finances in order, make sure you have copies of all important documents and originals of your own stuff. Make note of all financial affairs, get copies of savings, both of your pensions. Start clearing out your things, selling what you don’t need and maybe pack precious items in boxes and ask family or friends to store them. Look into where you will move to (or he will move to) but make sure you get your legal advice first as a previous poster said. Get copies of all your photos including on the cloud, start putting money aside and basically do everything you need now to make a fresh start.

Once you start putting things in motion and can see an end in sight it will be more bearable living with him until you leave.

OP he is abusive. Lets start with that first because then I think you wanting out gets a little easier. What he is doing to you verbally is abusive, calling names, is abuse, and gaslighting is abusive, and this has impacted you to a point you no longer trust yourself, and you doubt your own ability, and you fear he will not look after the kids if you tell him today, that is also abusive, and a form of control. It also sounds like he may withhold financial assistance if you decide to leave him, making you fear him, and fear for your financial future. That is financial abuse, and men do this a lot.

A marriage is a two way thing, not a solo trip. If you think you cannot go any further then you have full right to end it, its not up to your DH to decide, its yours. If he is gay, then he is, and you do not need to tell him that is the reason you want out, you do not need evidence, you just say this is the end of the road for you and no explanation is needed. It is as simple as that. And I say that because you have attempted many, many times to talk things through with him, you have voiced your needs, yet he is still overriding your needs for his own. Stress at work, we all have that. Its an excuse. Life is hard on everyone, he does not get to throw you and your happiness to the side because he is stressed, its not the right time, or whatever reason he may find, you decide. You have a say and you can do it.

I'm going to try and get some legal advice before I speak to him or soon after. I have already started putting some savings aside and I have access to documents. I am hoping he will cooperate will I say we can't go like this anymore, I want us both to be happy.

I have been wondering if what he has been doing is abusive but even writing all this out makes me feel bad for the way I am describing him, he is a very loving dad and almost never raises his voice at the kids whereas I do -out of frustration, he can be a very present father depending on his mood.
Thank you for the moral support, those close to us can see his good qualities and they are not aware of what goes on in the house.

You're right that I am questioning my own mind and wondering if I have been asking for too much, that is why I have almost been relieved I found a 'valid reason' to leave eventhough I know in my head it's ok to leave if you're not happy.

Yes, there is a possibility he will withhold financial support immediately, now that you mention it, it wouldn't be out of character. I didn't consider this but will get some advice if he does.

But he can carry on being a good father without having to remain married to you. Just make sure you have all your plans made, make a list of contingency plans too so you don't get blindsided if he tries to - for example, withdraw all financial support. You might need to open an account just in your name, if you don't already have one, things like that.

He doesn't need to agree to a divorce. You don't even have to give a reason. It's enough that you want a divorce. If he wants to blame you, then let him. Once you are living separate lives, your reasons will become clear to everyone (especially if he is gay and decides to come out when he's single).