Am I overreacting

[Unsure1012]

Posted earlier in AIBU by accident.

Apologies if this is a long one.

21 years together. 11 married, 2 kids 13 & 7.
Long history of my emotional needs not being met, no ‘date nights’ or weekends away unless booked by me. Brought to his attention numerous times, have been in couples counselling twice. I think I believe him when he says he loves me but I think he’s an avoidant personality and emotionally unavailable.

A couple of examples to show this:

1. I struggled with my MH a few years back and spent a day in bed crying and when he asked what was wrong I told him I was struggling and I needed help. He said I think you should talk to your sister about this.
2. The struggle I went through was related to a pregnancy loss, 6 years later and he has never mentioned or discussed it.

In July, while on holiday, I caught him on social media actively searching a co worker on a social media site and watching her videos. 20 odd years younger. I told him I was uncomfortable with this, I was upset and told him he had crossed a line. I was on his phone with him right next to me searching something because mine was either dead or not in the room - totally normal occurrence so I wasn’t snooping. He had been in the bathroom for quite a while before I found this and we weren’t being intimate because I had my period. You can guess what was happening.

Fast forward to a couple of nights ago. I felt something was off. Looked at his phone on the same site, I just had a feeling. And I was right. Not just one search of the same person - I saw two and then felt so sickened I didn’t want to look anymore. Immediately confronted him - all apologies, he loves me so much, he was stupid, it means nothing. This search was at 1.15 in the morning, while I was in the bed next to him.

I know for a fact that the woman in question has zero interest in him and there are no messages or otherwise between them - I am in no doubt about that.

But I feel sick about it. I don’t know if I can move on. Am I overreacting?

Apologies if my punctuation is off or if I’m not making much sense. I’m just blindsided and I don’t know if I am having an appropriate reaction to this. Can anyone advise on how they would feel in this situation?

I’m so embarrassed about this that I can’t talk to anyone in real life.

Hi, I’m really sorry that this happened to you. I have also been in this situation (we are still together). If I’m honest look back I was super angry and hurt, this is not me excusing actions but relationships become mundane and sometimes we do things on impulse, I’m happy to hear there are no messages between them or any contact, I would make it very clear how it makes you feel and that if it was to happen again you may need to think the whole relationship.
it’s very difficult and hurtful, I also have an avoidant partner so I feel you on this, we do nothing unless I book or suggest, I guess I knew he was when we were first together, again not saying this is ok but I wouldn’t say I’m particularly unhappy although he doesn’t suggest or plan he’s happy enough to do stuff as a family and that’s all that matter. I hope you can feel better how ever you decide to proceed. Sending hugs xx

Just to add, I think some men struggle to react to our emotional needs I know my partner definitely does to mine! Men are very logical creatures and us women are emotional. He should have atleast let you speak to him about it, he may be feeling like he’s unable to approach as it’s upsetting, you did say he was an avoidant xx

Well he has an obsession about someone he works with that is sexual so no I don’t think you’re overacting. I think that if by some miracle this woman showed an interest in him that he would be perfectly capable of planning a date for himself and her don’t you? And I think that tells you all you need to know.

I don’t enjoying typing that and I’m sorry.

Thanks for the responses. @Roseypie solidarity to you being in a similar relationship and @Lamentingalways I completely agree. I think the term I used when confronting him about it was ‘you’d be on it like a car bonnet if she gave you the chance’.

I just feel so sick at the thought of it. Going from how dare he to what is wrong with me that he needed to do that.

I’ve had similar and it hasn’t gone away that feeling. There’s nothing wrong with you. Men are just pathetic IMO.

They are absolutely pathetic.

I agree with this OP. I’m so sorry.

I think the reason for the absence of intimate messages and dates is her lack of interest, not his morality.

And he should be comforting you as best he can following a miscarriage. His being male is no excuse.