ExH - is this grooming?

[Angrybird76]

Posted in 30 days but mispelled the title and got no traffic!

This is complex and I dont know whether my feelings are over riding things. Essentially: five years ago my ExH left me for someone else. it was not a very happy marriage, lots of gas lighting and suspected infidelity. he had one known affair but his modus operandi was to contact women on facebook/dating websites and have emotional affairs. When he had an actual affair, I stayed in the house for 4 weeks but was so toxic (he was having phone sex for me to hear and going out on dates) that I left with my DD against advice. The subsequent divorce was awful with him being difficult at every turn. He moved the new woman in very quickly, and thre were lots of lovely posts around how happy they were etc. Despite all that, DD and I got a lovely rented flat and then once the settlement came in, bought a fab house in a different town (we had only lived at the other town for 8 months following my ExH leaving the military so there were no ties). i have done my best to facilitate DD and ExH relationship, driving her to his, waiting in the car for her as she refused to go into the house for ages etc. DD and ExH dont have much contact now, she doesn't see him and as she is 17 now I dont push it. I have always kind of felt though that I was replaced and been waiting for him to get his 'comeuppance' so to speak. He was living his life, being the perfect partner and this rankled. At a certain point i put it behind me and moved on. I have a new partner and we are all pretty happy. Two weeks ago DD came to me in tears saying that one friend had contacted her to say her dad had been messaging them on facebook. She is 17. it then transpired that he had messaged two other friends but they hadnt responded. this friend is a bit troubled, and is in assisted living. DD doesnt know her very well, but they stayed in touch. The contact i have seen is exH calling her 'darling' and just other inappropriate things for a 50 year old man. Not overtly sexual but sickening. She hasnt told her dad and I have very little contact. I spoke to DDs old school and they have said they would take it forwards. Not sure what I want from this. He is still with new partner who has an 18 year old daughter, which genuinely worries me as the messages feel like grooming. i wonder whether I should contact her (the mother) or whether that is just me wanting to get the comeuppance. I could contact exH but he is very toxic and not sure what that would achieve. I just feel sick about it all and DD is very angry. What does everyone think about this old mess?

He sounds awful. Glad you got out (even if he left you first). Sounds like it was the best thing he could have done for you.

It’s a tricky situation. Because whatever you do to raise the alarm will sound like sour grapes. His history shows he was clearly contacting her friend to form some sort of inappropriate relationship. But I don’t think it’s illegal, so I don’t think there is much you can do. It’s really up to your daughter to decide how to handle it. I would hope she calls him out on it and informs his partner so she can protect her daughter, but ultimately your daughter is old enough to decide how she wants to navigate her relationship with her Dad. I wouldn’t get involved just support her and allow her to talk it through with you.

I think you need to take a step back and be supportive of your daughter but don't get involved. You've reported to the school so I would leave it at that.

I would tell your DD's friends mum. You can't just leave him to it if she's vulnerable!

Uugh yuk,

You're right to be concerned. Someone with these incredibly bad boundaries while in a relationship (cheating) and worse boundaries with who they flirt with (vulnerable teenagers) sounds predatory.

Personally who cares if you get accused of sour grapes, I would inform everyone I possibly could. If he gets his comeuppance in the process, bonus.

It really trouble me that he's deliberately gone for a girl who is only just 'legal'. Fucking pig. I hope if nothing else, this convinces you that he hasn't been living a happy life as a perfect partner. He's still the empty cheating scumbag you escaped from. You can pity his current partner.

One thing I would certainly do it be really open about all this with you new partner. I'm sure he may not be happy you are involving yourself with your ex in anyway, but absolutely frame it as protecting your daughter and her friend. I would be looking to somehow tell the mother of the 18 year old too.

Is your daughter still in touch with her dad? Could she/you do a Clares law/Sarah's law?

Thanks everyone. I agree that at the very least this has given me a bit of 'satisfaction' that it wasn't me! As strange as it sounds i did have weird thoughts that he cheated on me because i wasn't enough or something. Although the fact that he is targeting a 17 year old makes me feel ill. My current partner knows the situation and I will discuss contacting the 18 year olds mum but I suspect he will say stay out of it. i am really torn as that's how men get away with this behaviour, but at the same time I am not sure my motives are entirely just about protection and I am reticent about being dragged into something that will make life worse for DD. She rarely sees him now, calls him 'pathetic', something i have never encouraged but of course that's harder now when he is acting like this. I dont think i could do a Clares law as he has never been convicted of anything. The 17 year old is in social services care hence contacting the school. Her mum has passed away when she was young and Dad not on the scene, only a grandmother who struggled to look after her. I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

If this girl is in assisted living contact social services.

I have via the school. I think that's all I can do for now.

Just to pick up, Claire’s law isn’t just about convictions; if there’s a record of complaints and investigation that might be shared depending on how the puzzle pieces fit together

You can report anonymously to social services, I wouldn't necessarily rely on the school.

Sorry you have had to deal with this. How awful for you and DD.

I think the way to unpick this from your own ‘motivation - is to do whatever needs to be done to show/teach/support your own Dd and the other young girls about predatory/entitlement/etc from men.

Try to be the reason they start young recognising this sort of behaviour and feeling empowered to call it out. Be the reason that as they get older they start going the extra mile on behalf of other women.

So in fact do this for all the young girls out there.

Thanks all for the helpful advice. i have submitted a concern via the local authority website and through childline and will tell DD when she comes home from college. I will be clear again that this behaviour is neither acceptable nor normal and I support her decision to not have contact with him. She feels embarrassed by his behaviour (which she absolutely shouldnt), so I will encourage again that we get some counselling support for her. I dont think I will contact ExHs partner though I think that will cause major issues.